More Like “The Sexiest Coffee in Town!”

24 May

So I was driving to work this morning, listening to the Hill-Man Morning Show on WAAF as I do most days, and they were talking about MaryLou’s Coffee being investigated by the feds for discrimination. Apparently they are looking into the South Shore based coffee chain because of allegations that management only hires young attractive women to serve their coffee. Vice President, Ronnie Sandry, told the Herald that MaryLou’s hires from a pool of applicants who tend to be from the South Shore. The whole investigation started after The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission saw the catchy MaryLou’s jingle and commercial on TV, which includes pretty, young baristas prancing around singing about coffee. I’ve seen this commercial probably a million and one times, but couldn’t find it on Youtube. Unless you live under a rock, I’m sure you’ve all see it, but in case you haven’t, here are a couple of other MaryLou’s commercials I found…

….You get the gist. Anyways though, the owner of MaryLou’s, um, you know, Mary Lou herself, has said that the EEOC is on a witch hunt. And I couldn’t agree more with her. What a waste of time and money it is to investigate MaryLou’s Coffee for discrimination. I’m about to go into some shit that people might not want to hear, but no one will be able to dispute it. Regardless of if the hiring process is deliberate at ML’s, you have to admit, whatever ML’s is doing is good for the business. A sad but true fact of life is that people want to look at attractive people in their day to day life. Guys go into MaryLou’s because they like the coffee and they like what they see. Think of female meteorologists and reporters that you see on the news. Now tell me, how often is it that you see a heinous looking chick giving us the weather? It’s probably a safe bet that your answer is rarely. And I’m not talking about weather MEN (sorry Harvey Leonard!). And like Mary Lou told a reporter, there are a certain type of people that apply for certain positions when businesses are hiring. Mary Lou’s applicants probably come from the South Shore, and therefore, I’m assuming, are predominantly white. Mary Lou’s is big among the younger generation. That appeals to younger applicants. The dress code at Mary Lou’s is a cute, little, pink T-shirt. I’m sure that attire appeals to young girls, and not young men. Well, maybe appeals to young men as customers, but I doubt appeals to them as potential employees. And of course I am speaking in my opinion for the majority, not everyone. And like I said, this kind of employee is convenient because they are the “type” that are applying for the open positions. This kind of employee happens to be a good image for the business, and results show because we all know how popular MaryLou’s is.

Can there really be anything done to change the applicant pool at MaryLou’s? I don’t see how they could change something like that. Coffee shops are a good place for college kids to work. And when school is out for the summer, the state encourages businesses to hire young people for summer jobs. Why is it any different for MaryLou’s? They can’t help it that young girls are applying. As for attractiveness, well…attractiveness is a touchy subject. No one likes to hear that attractive people have the upper hand in life. Sad but true. And you know when most girls will have either an easy or difficult lesson in this, depending on their level of attractiveness? When they find themselves on the side of the road with a flat fucking tire. Because God knows that the chick who looks like Jessica Alba is going to receive help faster than the chick who looks like Charlize Theron in the movie “Monster”. As human beings, can anyone do anything to change this? Realistically, probably not. Studies I am too lazy to cite have shown that human beings are more attracted so symmetrical faces. So if your face isn’t symmetrical, then sorry, but you’re not as easy to look at. Don’t worry, I think one of my eyes is bigger than the other, you are not alone. My point is that human beings, by nature, are shallow.Can’t argue that.

A few years ago when I was going to Bridgewater State, I went on an interview for MaryLou’s. I applied because I had barista experience and there was a MaryLou’s up the street from my dorm. At the interview, the female hiring manager saw that I had all the right experience and she told me that if I wanted to work for ML’s, I would have to work at the shop down the Cape. Fuck that, too far. I declined and moved on with my stupid life. But never once during that interview did I feel judged based on looks. I will also point out that this was my sophomore year, and I was drinking a lot, and making the shittiest choices in the cafeteria. In other words, I wasn’t in my prime. I got the job, even though it was in the Cape. Or maybe that was management’s nice way of telling me to take a hike, literally. Who fucking knows. But it wasn’t a big deal and I didn’t feel judged. Young girls probably just tend to be a little more bubblier than old women who are working part time at coffee shop with no one their own age. Mary Lou’s is just a fun atmosphere with young college aged girls behind that counter, who probably aren’t taking life too seriously at the moment. It’s really not that serious. The EEOC needs to cut the shit and focus more on getting women equal pay.

*For more on this story go to: http://www.bostonherald.com/news/regional/view.bg?&articleid=1061133896&format=&page=1&listingType=Loc#articleFull

*Pictures taken off of the MaryLou’s website: http://www.marylous.com/

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Cubicle Etiquette

23 May

Anyone who works in an office knows that there is something called “office etiquette”, and if they don’t know about it, then  that means they are probably the person in the office who everyone fucking hates. Though I no longer work in an office, I did work in one for 4 years, so that makes me an expert. Office etiquette is some serious shit. So, let me inform you about it so that you are not the office douchebag.

1. Cubicles: If you are new to the office, and you are given a cubicle, you should be fucking grateful. Some people have to share cubicles. Probably the smuggest thing in the world that you could do as a newbie, is bring all your shit to your cubicle on the first day of the job. I’ve seen people come in on day 1 or day 2, with a box filled with their cubicle knickknacks and proceed to decorate with pictures of their boyfriends, or cats, or bastard children. Fuck that, you need to earn your right for cubicle paraphernalia/apparatuses! You don’t just come in with your Pez dispenser collection and mass cards from your great grandma’s wake and pin it up next to your list of extensions. You add shit to your cubicle decor one thing at a time. I don’t care if it takes months to accumulate. If you go into your new office acting like you own that cubicle, you need to remind yourself that you are just renting it…bitch.

2. Shitting Where You Eat: Don’t shit where you eat. If you don’t get it, then let me rephrase that for you: don’t dip your pen in company ink. Because when you end things, it will make everything awkward and work will suck. Work sucks enough without opposite sex drama.

3. Literally Shitting Where You Work: If you’re going to literally take a shit while you’re at work, at least use some Febreze. And don’t try to get away with spraying the area down with Bath & Body Works body spray. It will just smell like “Moonlight Path to a Shitty Toilet”. You’re not foolin’ anyone. You might think your shit don’t stank, but it does.  And your coworkers are judging you for it.

4. Beware of Good Job Charts: They only cause insane competition throughout the office. My office had one once, and it was anarchy. You would go into work and see that one of your coworkers got a sticker on the chart for a job well done, and you would start to question it…“Oh so she filed ONCE in her life and SHE gets a sticker?! I file every Goddamn day, where are my 79 stickers!”. A Good Job Chart can turn friends into enemies. 5. Change the fucking toner: Don’t be “that guy” who doesn’t change the toner due to “not knowing how”. If the toner is low, fucking change it you lazy slob. If you don’t know how, then read the directions and stop being an idiot. Your like 26 now. It’s time to learn how to change the ink in the printer. Also, don’t be “that guy” who calls IT  for a paper jam. Open the copier up and pull that shit out yourself. This is America. And we utilize copiers. A lot.

6. Don’t wear the same outfit you wore to your interview the first day of your new job: No, we don’t want no scrubs. 7. Offer everyone coffee: When you announce that you are running out for coffee, ask everyone if they want a coffee or don’t announce it at all. It’s like pulling out a pack of gum in front of If only one or two people asks you to get them one, don’t accept money from them. Just say “Hit me back next time you get coffee”. Coffee is like $2.00. Don’t be cheap. On the flip side, if you are the person who is given the coffee, make sure you return the favor at some point. Don’t be a mooch. No one likes mooches. No one likes Boxes of Joe either. Just get individual coffees. It will make your coworkers feel special. Like their coffee choice is unique to them.

8. Office gossip: Don’t ever gossip about coworkers via email. It’s physical evidence!!!

9. Leave my rubber band ball the fuck alone: And don’t try to take credit for how big it is. You didn’t build it. You didn’t feed it. You didn’t provide it shelter from the storm. So put it down and make your own rubber band ball. Asshole.

10. I’m not your fucking secretary: Don’t leave the tedious shit for me to do. Do work, son! Unless you’re my boss, in which case, I’m on it. Yay! Now people won’t hate you!

*Thanks to NM & AF for the inspiration via working with me in an office.

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Masterpiece Theater: “I Remember Southie”…Khed.

22 May

Barney read some literature aloud this evening, some excerpts from “I Remember Southie“, by Leo P. Dauwer. I hope you enjoy. And also, learn something. Because we are all from Southie. Or our mom or dad is. Or we are from fahkin’ Dawwchestahhh, guy. Dude. Whatevah. You don’t know me. Go Red Sox. Bawwhhston.

Also, check out our outtakes!:

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Advice to a girl who is stuck in the middle of a bitch and a hard place.

21 May

So I got an email last week asking for some advice from this girl who is stuck in the middle of two friends. It was kind of long to copy and paste so I will just summarize this real quick for you. This girl (we will call her “Britney Spears” so that I don’t sound redundant) has two friends who she has known for a good amount of her life, friend A longer than friend B. Friend A and friend B are not friends, they just have Britney Spears in common. Friend A is recently single after a long and shitty relationship with a guy who was not so nice to her. She has a history of guy problems and only just recently started hanging out with Britney Spears again because she is single. Friend B is a newer friend who Britney Spears has been hanging out with a lot lately, because she is chill and likes to go out drama free. Friend B is now dating Friend A’s ex boyfriend’s brother. This causes a shit ton of drama when friend A wants to hangout with Britney Spears. Friend A cannot handle being around friend B’s boyfriend, because he reminds her of her ex. So she flips the fuck out every time all three girls hangout as a group and causes fights and tells Britney Spears that she shouldn’t hangout with friend B. Britney Spears has told friend A to cut the shit, but friend A does shut the fuck up about it. This has been going on for months. Britney Spears doesn’t want to say good bye to friend A because they have been friends for a long time, but she doesn’t know how to make friend A stop behaving like such a psycho. Britney asked me what she should do to make friend A shut the fuck up once and for all and move on from her ex.

So here’s my advice to Britney Spears:

You already told friend A that she needs to cut the shit and she hasn’t followed suit. Girls (and guys!) can be pretty psychotic after a bad breakup. But it seems like this has been an ongoing problem for friend A. She is taking it too far. She’s gone from acting psycho to being psycho. You are only allowed to act psycho for about 3 weeks after a breakup, after that, you’ve become a psycho. I could kind of understand her being upset if friend B were dating her ex. But friend B isn’t dating her ex, she is dating her ex’s BROTHER. Who fucking cares? Regardless of who friend B is dating, she owes friend A nothing because they are not friends. Friend A has absolutely no right to tell you who you can and cannot hangout with. If she can’t handle going out with you and friend B, then she can just sit indoors all summer with a pint of Chunky Monkey, watch the Oprah network, and get a prescription pill addiction. Seriously though, real friends don’t give you ultimatums like that. I don’t think you need to tell friend A you don’t want to be friends anymore, you aren’t in kindergarten. Plus you already told her to stop behaving like a crazy person, and it didn’t work. Just distance yourself. Don’t let her bitch at you for the distance, she did it to herself. The only person allowed to bitch at you is your mom, and friend A is not your mom. She is just a psycho who is hung up on her ex. Maybe when she notices that you haven’t been as close she will come to her senses. As a realist, my guess is she will not (past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior, according to Phil McGraw). If she responds poorly to your lack of communication, in your best British accent tell her if she calls you again then you will command Siri to call the cops. Then shave your head and beat up the paparazzi with an umbrella. I would tell you to try bullying her, but society is being so touchy about that lately. Not sure why…I was a bully and I turned out COMPLETELY FINE. Side note: Maybe it’s bitchy of me to say this, but I don’t know if I blame her ex for giving her the boot. She sounds like a stage 5 weirdo. Remember, you are Britney Spears. And people need to leave you the fuck alone. 

The Perfect Man

18 May

So according to a new poll by this dude Austin Reed, the traits of the ‘Perfect Man’ have been revealed followed by a study including 2,000 women. Ladies and gents, here he is:

  1. 6 feet tall
  2. Toned and athletic
  3. Brown eyes
  4. Short dark hair
  5. Smart dress sense
  6. Beer drinker
  7. Non-smoker
  8. Wears smart jeans, shirt and a V-neck jumper
  9. Gets ready in 17 minutes
  10. Stylish
  11. Wants a family
  12. Earns $77,000 a year
  13. Loves shopping
  14. Eats meat
  15. Clean shaven
  16. Smooth chest
  17. Watches soaps
  18. Enjoys watching football
  19. Drives an Audi
  20. Educated to degree level
  21. Earns more than his other half
  22. Jokes around and has a laugh
  23. Sensitive when his wife/girlfriend is upset
  24. Says ‘I love you’ only when he means it
  25. Admits it when he looks at other women
  26. Has a driver’s license
  27. Can swim
  28. Can ride a bike
  29. Can change a tire
  30. Calls mom regularly

I don’t know about other ladies who have read this list, but I disagree with some of this. So I did a new study, including one female. And that female is me. Because after getting my undergraduate degree in Psychology, I just don’t have fucking time to conduct studies anymore. So here is the new list of traits that the ‘Perfect Man’ has (some traits will remain the same):

1. 5’9 ft tall with allowance for a few more inches. Only a few.

2.  Toned and athletic. But not a juicehead. There is such a thing as too big.

3. Brown eyes.

4. Dark hair. Doesn’t have to be short all the time. But no man should have the option to be able to pull his hair back in a ponytail. Ever. No Fabio’s.

5. Isn’t a metro, but dresses appropriately. Really, I just need my man in jeans and a white T. No Abercrombie or Hollister after the age of 18. Grow the fuck up.

6. Beer drinker. Aww hell yes. Not knocking sobriety, but I like to drink beer. And I like someone to enjoy that experience with me.

7. Non smoker. My boyfriend quit recently which is great. I don’t like the whole cancer thing, not a turn on. I also really don’t like that when he would smoke, he didn’t seem to smell like it, but the smoke would get in my hair and I would smell like Britney Spears circa 2007, with a hint of Lindsey Lohan the night of her 34th mugshot.

8. Wears jeans and a shirt sans a v-neck jumper. Nothing against v-neck jumpers. I just think it looks more manly when men stick to jeans a t-shirt. But they must NEVER wear Ed Hardy or Affliction. Ever.

9. Gets ready in 17 minutes. Or less. As long as they aren’t smelly, I don’t give a fuck. Don’t make me wait.

10. Not overly stylish – why did so many of these traits involve style? I don’t want my boyfriend to be an man Ugg-wearing fashionista.

11. Wants a family. But not in the way that Kody Brown wants a family.

12. Earns $77,000 a year without having to sell drugs (minimum, once they hit 30). Is okay with me earning more than that because I’m a motherfucking HUSTLER.

13. Hates shopping but will shut the fuck up and go with me once in awhile.

14. Eats meat. I need someone to be eating wings with me while we drink beers.

15. Clean shaven most of the time but switches it up and allows some facial stubble maybe once or 4 times a month.

16. Doesn’t shave chest – you can’t cuddle with stubble.

17. Doesn’t watch soaps. Ever. (How could he make over 77k a year and still watch soaps?)

18. Enjoys watching football.

19. Drives a lamborghini (a girl can dream). But I guess I could settle for a sedan or truck. Although, I have heard that men who drive GIANT trucks are trying to compensate for something smaller.

20. Educated in street smarts. I don’t care about the degree as much as I care about the actual intellect. Really, anyone can have a degree if they have the money. It’s all a matter of plagiarizing shit that you Google for 2-4 years. But you can’t purchase common sense and overall smartness. I want to be able to have a interesting conversation in which I can learn something from someone.Thank God for Ryan. Without him I would know NOTHING about aliens, conspiracy theories, or random facts about good musicians.

21. Earns enough that he can contribute to the family and we can afford our cell phone bills. Because things can get pretty bad in life when it comes to money, but they don’t get much worse when you can’t afford a cell phone bill.

22. Jokes around and has a laugh. Preferably makes me laugh 78 times a day. On average.

23. Sensitive when his girlfriend/wife is upset. I hope my boyfriend will console his wife when she cries, just like Kody Brown does for all 4 of his wives.

24. Says ‘I love you’ only when  he means it. Don’t be a douche and lie about this. Because I will stick your head in an oven if you’re lying.

25. Admits it when he looks at Pornhub.com.

26. Has a driver’s license.

27. Can swim. I mean, I guess this is important. Who doesn’t know how to swim after the age of 7? I will never understand how some grown adults can’t swim.

28. Doesn’t ride a bike anymore, but used to have a Dyno back when he was 12.

29. Has AAA so that someone can change a tire if need be.

30. Treats his mom like a queen.

Okay, so…who agrees that my list is better?

Sorry Ken, but blonde hair and blue eyes just ain’t cuttin’ it these days.

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The First Few Minutes of the Disney Movie “UP” Makes Me Want to Die.

16 May

 

Have you guys ever seen the Disney Pixar movie UP? If so, did it make you want to stick your head in an oven and die? Because that’s how it made me feel. Let me spoil it for you in case you’ve never seen it. It’s about a  kid who falls in love with the little tomboy girl in his neighborhood and they grow old together. The first few minutes shows how they go on these make believe adventures together, and start a collection for a real trip to beautiful Paradise Falls. But life’s bullshit gets in the way, and they need the money for house repairs and other crap. And throughout this montage of their life flashing before our eyes, it shows how happy and in love these two people were, frolicking up hills and what not. But it also shows this insanely sad stuff. Like how the wife couldn’t have babies. Um, isn’t this a kids movie? What the fuck!? Despite the fact that their dreams of children is gone, they carry on and have an amazing life together. Then the wife gets some terminal illness or something. And suddenly she can’t climb up those happy hills without her husband carrying her up it. And then she dies, causing the old man to be bitter and pissed off. And we all want to kill ourselves.

I will ask again:  Disney…what the FUCK was THAT!? I want to be happy while I watch Disney movies. I mean, don’t you think that Mufasa’s death by wilderbeast stampede was bad enough? Or when Copper tells Tod that he can’t be friends anymore in the Fox & the Hound? Of when Bambi’s mom died? Or when Quasimodo is humiliated and abused and tortured at the Feast of Fools in The Hunchback of Notre Dame? Or when all the toys in Toy Story 3 are almost incinerated before the aliens save them? Like…fuck! Thanks Disney, for reminding us that we are all pieces of shit who neglect our stuffed animals and toys and that our parents are going to die when our dickhead uncle Scar pushes them off cliffs. Also thanks for reminding us that our crowd mentality makes us complete assholes who bully ugly people and make them hide in towers their entire lives. If you didn’t notice, I’m being sarcastic. Because we already knew all this shit! Disney just had to rub it in our faces. So let me remind Disney that they are the creepers who draw subliminal pictures of dicks in King Triton’s castle.

SICKOS!

Okay, fuck it. Just watch this and let it ruin your day on your own accord:

Enjoy.

 

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The Blockbuster Guy: Where Is He Now?

14 May

So you guys might have no idea what the fuck I’m talking about in this blog because most people stopped going to Blockbuster after the 90′s, but not me. The Quincy Center Blockbuster closed like however long ago and I am wondering, what happened to the dude that worked there? The critic. There were a couple all star staff members in there, but you would know who I’m talking about if you ever met this dude. He was the ultimate movie nerd. The only way I can describe him is by saying he looked like the comic book guy in the Simpsons. He also looked like he lives in his mom’s basement. Basically he was a fat dude, always sweating, with reddish hair and a beard. This guy knew every single movie ever made. Like legit, loves film. During checkout he would give customers unasked for and honest reviews on the movies they were renting. And after the unwanted babbling about the cinematography in Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead  and fun fact about Richard Gere sticking a gerbil up his ass during the filming of Pretty Woman, without fail this guy would list the movies and their due dates, followed up by “And the Swedish Fish and Snow Caps are due back next Friday” in the most monotone voice ever. Pretty good joke, guy. It got to the point that I wouldn’t rent anything without asking for this guy’s opinion first. I would walk up to the counter like 76 times with different movies and ask him which was better and he LOVED it. There was also another Blockbuster employee that only had a couple fingers and whenever the movie nerd would speak, the finger dude would have a look on his face like he was thinking “Fuck my life”. Anyways though, when I saw that the store was closed, my heart just broke for this guy. Like, what is he doing now that Blockbuster is closed? Blockbuster was his LIFE. My best bet is that he is sitting atop a broken down cardboard box next to a Red Box panhandling and rambling. All disheveled. Sour Patch Kid debris in his straggly beard. Or maybe he’s in his mom’s basement plotting ways to kill off Netflix. Maybe he is planning to make Human Centipede a trilogy with Netflix employees. Yikes. Too bad West Coast Video is closed, too. It could have prevented an incident. Now he has nowhere to apply. Poor dude.

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