Fall is one of my favorite seasons. Mostly because:
F) I’m sick of sweating for 3 months with no weight loss because of the calories I drank.
A) I get to be *cozy.
L) I’m a basic Caucasian woman who enjoys all pumpkin products (but not actual pumpkin, because pumpkin guts are fucking gross).
L) It’s fun to be fat when we are of comfortable temperatures.
But those are the obvious Fall-ish things that every white bitch blogs about. I’m over Ugg talk. I’m over hoody weather chatter. What about the small things in Fall life that everyone tends to forget? Facebook statuses telling us every single time that ABC Family is playing the overplayed children’s classic, Hocus Pocus (you can thank them later!!!!!). I put a spell on you, and now you can DIE! lolz.
How about that smell of fake leaves and raffia in October when we walk past the threshold into Michaels or AC Moore to pick up some cranberry harvest wax and twine for our candle line inspired by some shit we saw on Pinterest (also known as Prevention Magazine).
And to all the moms out there reading: is there anything better than borderline stalking coworkers until they are guilted into spending their parking fare on their 4th XXL sized tub of your 8 year old’s Otis Spunkyfuck’s cookie dough for $20 bucks? Tulips in the Spring just die, but it takes a lot of freezer burn to fuck up a good cookie. Maybe it’s the presence of the Thanksgiving season that makes forced-buying useless trinkets from obscure fundraising magazines and raw dough that goes bad in the refridge so rewarding!
Some moms might smile at the memories of piling a rake of leaves into fun pumpkin trash bags with their children! Only to find out an hour later that the leaves contained Poison Oak. Moms beware of screaming patients, while they sip their extra cream extra sugar (melted) Pumpkin Spiced iced coffees in the ER of South Shore hospital while their kids are prescribed steroids.
When I said “the smalls things” of Fall, I truly meant the small things, because the only greater relief to our compulsions than the sound of a tennis ball off a brick schoolhouse wall is crunching a dead, un-photosynthesized leaf underneath our boot. So long as the next leaf crunches beneath our left boot with the exact amount of satisfaction, pressure, oomph, velocity, and harmony. Because if not, something bad CAN AND WILL happen to an immediate family member. And no one wants to experience tragedy during such a brilliant season.
Happy Fall to all, is what I say!