In life, we watch a lot of Oprah. And by “watch a lot of Oprah”, I mean the bitch uses subliminal messaging and ninja manipulation to force herself into our brains. Like a parasite. I guess. And Oprah, so full of wisdom and life classes and feel good stories about crack babies turning out “okay”, throws her “Aha!” moments at us whenever we accidentally peruse her magazine while we wait for our prescriptions at CVS. (PS does anyone else feel like they are stealing when they read magazines at the pharmacy and don’t buy them? Or am I the only honest psycho out there?). Oprah’s Aha! moments usually pertain to those defining moments in her life when she reads a Maya Angelou quote, or sees her network’s ratings, etc.
But let’s talk about non-Oprah Aha moments because those are more relatable.
In my opinion, possibly the biggest Aha! moment you can have occurs after two glasses of wine (maybe 5), and you are feeling calm, just kicking it with friends, then BOOM! A chick bounces past your table with a pack of Newport’s casually wedged in between her boobs. First of all: Newport’s. Second of all: in between her BOOBS. Aha! Ripping white trash! Is this girl out for cocktails in the city, or is she drinking a party pack of Smirnoff Ice at one o’clock in the afternoon during a low income birthday party for a neighbor’s child? Are the cigarettes now warm? Because that makes the act even more deplorable.
Because let’s talk about the girl who keeps her cigarette pack in her cleavage. Let’s judge her for a moment. Ahem…
The girl with the cigarettes in her boobs is usually the same girl as the one with camel toe on purpose, and a Metro PCS in the back of her jeggings. She is always too loud and tells inappropriate, awkward sex jokes, and sloppily tries to twerk on the bar side of a TGIFridays. She wears a fedora with a Hawaiian style maxi dress that doesn’t quite fit, and dirty white Old Navy flip flops that have a slight wedge that she bought in 2006. She is also really into being the recipient of body shots on a Wednesday night at establishments that are not body shot appropriate. She is the girl whose profile picture is her doing a keg stand in the disgusting kitchen of a house party in 2009 she was not invited to. Is the picture getting clearer? SHE IS THE GIRL WHOSE RINGTONE IS THE NEWEST “HIP” PARODY SONG THAT IS OUT ON THE INTERNET (IE: SELFIE). SHE IS THE GIRL WITH A NICKNAME SHE RECEIVED FROM A BAD STORY ABOUT HER AND FELLATIO. SHE IS THE GIRL WHO LOVES THE BAND BUCKCHERRY. SHE IS THE GIRL WHO YOU DON’T REALLY KNOW, BUT SAY HI TO JUST TO BE POLITE ONLY FOR YOU TO THEN REGRET BEING POLITE WHEN SHE ASKS YOU TO GO TO THE BATHROOM WITH HER TO WHICH YOU OBLIGE ONLY FOR YOU TO BE HORRIFIED WHEN SHE ALSO MAKES YOU GO INTO THE STALL WITH HER AND CONFIDES IN YOU THAT SHE WAS DRINKING TO CELEBRATE NOT BEING PREGNANT. SHE IS THE GIRL WHO DOESN’T SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT SONS OF ANARCHY. STILL. SHE CALLS EVERY ONE “HUN” AND YOU WOULDN’T BE SURPRISED IF SHE UNCAPPED HER MEDIUM ICED COFFEE FROM DUNKIN DONUTS AND DRANK IT WITH NO LID/NO STRAW. BECAUSE THE GIRL WHO KEEPS HER CIGARETTES IN HER BOOBS IS A FUCKING ANIMAL.
I guess my point is that no female should ever put cigarette packs between their boobs. It’s about as clear cut a sign of ripping white trash as doing coke in the bathroom at Peggy O’s, then checking into Facebook three hours later from the parking lot of a diner in Weymouth that isn’t even open.