Probably one of the biggest stress relievers for females, besides pills and therapy, is an old fashioned girl’s night. Pop open a bottle of wine, or crack several beers, and just talk about girl shit. Boys always think girls talk about sex when they participate in girl talk. But that’s just not true. We also like to psychoanalyze fictional characters from the 90’s cartoon, Doug. Weird? Fuck you. If this is where my Bachelor’s in Psychology brought me, then so be it. It’s funny, so try it yourself. For best results, consume alcohol.
Ladies and gentlemen, a behind the scenes look at our socially awkward non-hero and his melting pot of friends:
- Doug: Our protagonist is your everyday average kid at first glance. But 3 minutes into an episode of this show, Doug shows classic symptoms of a severe anxiety disorder with early onset Schizophrenia. Doug is constantly worried about shit that doesn’t even matter. Remember when he got a zit and was so consumed by this zit that he almost missed Beebee’s party? Crazy! You know how many parties I would have missed in middle school due to my acne if I was that terrified of leaving the house? The answer is: numerous parties…because my complexion was stuff nightmares are made of. Doug’s anxiety was intense. Imagine what a buzz kill he would be if YOU were at Beebee’s party with him? And why was his zit TALKING?! Because Doug is a schitzo, that’s why. Don’t believe it? Then also recall Doug’s hallucinations and alter egos. There were a number of them, Quailman, Smash Adams, among others I don’t feel like Googling. He was the fucking Sybil of the Nickelodeon line up. There was also that episode that Doug makes a kite with his Dad that he is ashamed of because it’s too “simple”. An entire 15 minute episode based on Doug’s concerns about this kite. It’s a fucking kite. Anxiety up the ASS.
- Patty Mayonnaise: Ahh, Doug’s love interest! They made such a cute non-couple, and we all rooted for them through the years. Doug and Patty were like Kevin Arnold and Winnie Cooper, but not alivel. Patty Mayonnaise doesn’t have a mental disorder. But I’ll give you an update on her life. After graduating from The Beebe Bluff school, she became a lesbian. That’s why she was really into sports, chopped off all her hair, and switched from skirt to pants. Maybe you think that’s ignorant/sexist of me and my girlfriends to come up with, but consider this: did she ever end up with Doug? Life is not a fairy tale, Doug…Peter Pan.
- Skeeter Valentine: Skeeter was Doug’s zany best friend who was blue (black equivalent in real life?). Skeeter made crazy, silly sound effects quite often that were all fun and games on the show. But behind the scenes, Skeeter had Tourette’s Syndrome, and the sounds you were hearing, are actually called “tics”. Skeeter hid behind his goofy demeanor to make light of his medical condition. I like to think of Skeeter as an everyday hero.
- Mr. Dink: Bad news, guys. Mr. Dink was a pedophile. Yeah. But does that really surprise anyone? Someone on Jumbo Street tipped off the cops after the show went off the air. His house was raided and hundreds of taped over VHS ‘s were confiscated from Dink’s basement. His computer history was also telling. While searching his house, the cops also found stolen electronic parts. How else did you think the guy came up with the dough for his new gadgets? Good riddance from Jumbo St., Dink. Pervert.
- Roger Klotz: Remember Doug’s bully? I do. He was a real dick. He was also a bipolar, sadist who wore his mother’s lipstick while she was out in Downtown Bluffinton visiting the local watering holes. A lot to take in, I know. Roger took extreme pleasure in making the life of his classmates miserable. He tortured Doug, only enflaming Doug’s anxiety levels to an all time high. There was one episode when Roger enters Doug into a talent contest, just to watch Doug suffer. But then there are those episodes that show Roger’s softer side, like when he falls in love a little too hard with Judy and sports roller skates. Kind of manic, right? These extreme mood swings point to a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. And taking pleasure in Doug’s suffering for his own satisfaction, was just fucking saddistic. And one more irrelevant thing: did anyone else get a Latino vibe from Roger?
- Connie Benge: Yeah, I didn’t remember that last name, I’ll admit it. I credit Google. I also credit my best friend Jess who pointed out something I forgot about Connie. Connie was fat on the old episodes of Doug. Then she went away for the summer or something, and was really skinny. Which got Jess’s brain wondering if Connie had a bad addiction to cocaine. Connie claimed that she went to “makeover camp” the summer she got skinny, but really? She was the fattest chick in the class, I don’t buy the fat camp bullshit. Connie’s behavior became a bit more risk-taking, and deviant as she got skinnier. In the newer episodes of Doug, Connie got wicked into heavy metal and developed a crush on bad boy, Roger Klotz. Pair the newfound bad girl attitude with the excessive weight loss over a short period of time, and I’d say: cokehead. Maybe someone can draw Dr. Drew & Connie on a piece of paper and get the bitch some help.
- Chalky Studebaker: The typical jock who was friendly to just about everyone in Bluffington. Except when he was on the field and filled with testosterone that made him aggressive. Chalky was overly competitive. There’s nothing to say about Chalky other than he was trying to compensate for his small you-know-whatsky by being a great athlete.
- Beebee Bluff: Beebe Bluff was a snotty, rich, little biatch. Luckily, my friend Jess nailed it with Beebe’s diagnosis. What I’m about to tell you might make you feel sorry for Beebe. You see, Beebe Bluff was a shopaholic because she was trying to use material possessions to compensate for the lack of love she got from her father, a prominent (and busy) Bluffington politician (I think?). Sad isn’t it? You know what else is sad? This blog entry…as well as the fact that the lady who voiced Beebe died this past June. I found out when I was Googling just now.
- Chad Mayonnaise (Patty’s dad): Chad Mayonnaise is a paraplegic, you heartless assholes. That’s not a mental disorder, but I bet as soon as you saw his name after Beebe’s picture you had already started judging him. Chad is a great guy, and he lost his wife (didn’t he?), so leave him alone! Fun fact: this thumbnail below is LITERALLY the only Google-able picture I could find of Chad Mayonnaise. But I guess I didn’t really look hard. Doesn’t it look like an AIM icon? Remember those?
Well that’s the list me and my girlfriends came up with. Pretty fucking accurate, right? If you disagree with us, then maybe you should go buy the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition and study it hard. Because I think me and my girlfriends are geniuses. And I think you are full of shit.
*Cred to Jess & Alison for those weird nights fulled with lots of laugh. Love you bitches to the moon and back.
*DISCLAIMER: This post should under no circumstances be taken seriously. And if you take offense, you’re either a stiff or my grandmother.