Things That Piss Me Off
by Shaun Maloof (seriously one of the funniest and best people I’ve ever met)
- Waking up. One of the worst/best feelings of the day. I love my sleep. Who doesn’t? Waking up sucks because, lets face it now you have to do stuff like go to work. Or if you’re unemployed make your way from bed to the couch. On the other hand it’s a great feeling because it lets you know you’re alive which is always good. But enough of that happy shit. Lets stick to the script. Add some extra anger if I have to shave that morning. That could be another 15 minutes of sleep.
- The mornings commute to work. When will science invent teleportation? I ask myself this every fucking morning. Everyone sucks at driving in the morning except me. That’s an attitude I’ve been forced to adopt since I’m usually late for work. I need to beat that yellow light and I don’t care if I need to cause a 3 car crash to make it happen. Like I said, no one matters on the morning commute except me. Fuck off short bus.
- Salesmen. Working at a dealership for a good chunk of time now I’ve seen many a breed of salesmen. Don’t get me wrong, few are good genuine people, but there are always those ones that need to feed his pill/heroin/crack/alcohol/porn/gambling addiction. No you can’t “borrow” $10 because your kids need money for lunch for the rest of the week. That’s 2 Budweiser’s at s6, screw you. Some of the worst prioritizers ever.
- Chicken salad/tuna sandwiches from Dunkin Donuts. Who the fuck thought this was a good idea? Now I’ve noticed you can get them with cheese to make them extra disgusting. Stick to coffee and normal breakfast foods dunks. Where’s Fred the baker when you need him?
- People who order chicken salad/tuna sandwiches from dunkin donuts. It’s bad enough someone thought of this idea but now you’re going to eat one? What the fuck are you thinking? These are the same people who would order lobster from burger king if they had it. Some clown actually ordered one of these when I was standing next to him in line. I immediately felt the need to shower because I felt disgusting. If you know someone who has indulged in one of these vile sandwiches never ask them for advice. EVER. They obviously make terrible decisions. Don’t forget the cheese.
- Lady Gaga. Look we get it gaga. You’re a dude. Or a transvestite. Or a woman who wants to be a dude. Or a dude who wants to be a woman. No one knows anymore and no one cares either. What the fuck were you doing at the vma’s this year? It took me almost the whole two hours to figure out who you were. I literally missed the entire show and I was watching it. Thanks bitch. Or son of a bitch?
If you don’t know me that well and you’ve read this, then you probably think I walk around angry and never in a good mood. Well that’s not the fucking case you judgmental asshole. Speaking of judgmental assholes.
- Judgmental assholes. Kick rocks guy, no one cares about your opinion.