Lately I’ve been cheating on Facebook with Twitter. I never thought this day would come, but I started noticing that tweets are just funnier than status updates. I’m not sure why or when people started treating Facebook statuses like journal entries, but it’s happening more and more frequently. And no matter how many times you clean up your Facebook friends list, there is always someone on your newsfeed who is guilty of writing batshit crazy statuses. Right now, I could name about 5 people who do it on mine, but I won’t delete them because: 1. they are nice enough people in real life 2. I’m a pussy 3. When I’m in bad mood, their statuses make me feel better about my own life & 4. Sometimes these statuses are entertaining (but mostly just sad). People, I know it’s the internet and you have this sense of anonymity but please, get some tact and stop doing the following shit:
- Listing your daily routine: “Such a gorg day out! Taking the kiddies to the playground for an hour, then taking a much needed nap, then cooking mac & cheese with hotdogs thrown in because I’m like Emeril! BAM! lol, then giving the kiddies some Benadryl so I can catch up on Sons of Anarchy with the hubby. Life is SO good!!!!” Really? Life doesn’t sound that good…maybe you need to polish off the rest of the Benadryl. Another thing about these people is that they usually don’t know what commas are. Run on sentences are underrated in their eyes…
- Talking about your kids constantly: Don’t take it personally, kids are awesome and I love to hear funny things my friends kids are saying & doing. But if you are always letting us know that your baby just puked up strained carrots, or is acting like a little bastard while your trying to watch Maury, then maybe you should just sign off Facebook and call your mom for help…maybe she’ll give a shit (but probably not).
- Telling the world about your baby daddy/mama drama: Okay, even though I think this is the trashiest thing in the cyber world to do, I also think it’s hilariously entertaining. Especially when baby mama and baby daddy go back and forth in a comment thread. Sorry girls, but you are usually the guilty party in posting this kind of shit: “So nervous for family court in the AM. I’m scared he’s going to lie and tell the judge I smoke butts and watch Maury while the kids are running around breaking all my nice shit, well my mom’s nice shit but whatevs. When it rains it pours =(…well off to get my nails done! Hit me up!” –Like…what?! I haven’t gotten my nails did since prom 2005 (but at least I’m over tips)! Then you have all these chicks underneath the status writing feel good comments like, “You are so above that piece of shit, move on and live your life!” Yeah, get back to your life of daytime television and having Sue Ling glue your french tips on. Maybe fit some tanning in, too. You deserve it, girl! Stay classy.
- Posting chain status updates about causes: Nothing more annoying than this: “The girl you just called fat? She has a serious medical condition called Big Mac Addiction. The boy you just said was smelly? He likes the smell of his own farts. The red head you just called a ginger? He cuts himself to episodes of Pete & Pete. The crackhead you just called a crackhead? He’s on crack. Next time think before you bully someone. Not many people will have the courage, but re-post this if you are anti-bullying.” If you are trying to stand up for a certain cause, go out and volunteer, or donate some money or something. Don’t try to raise awareness by taking up space on my newsfeed and encouraging others to do the same. No wonder you were probably bullied. Cut the shit.
- Preaching about sobriety: This is something I am very passionate about and have talked about in previous entries. Stop screaming about how sober you are. Put the serenity prayer on your refrigerator and let that be enough. The more you preach, the more we think you relapsed when you aren’t preaching. Call your mentor. Or invest in this shirt:
- Posting quiz results: You are way too big of a whore to be born during the 1920′s, sorry the quiz gave you the wrong era. You also took the quiz “Which Drug Are You?” and got weed, but you’re definitely not chill. I’d say you’re more like meth. Also, you could never pull off Jasmin’s outfit, so even if your quiz told you that you which Disney Princess you are, don’t bother sharing it with all of Facebook. The results are in and they state that you need a full time job.
That’s about all I can remember at the moment. I hope you will abide by this list of things not to post (except for the occasional white trash fight that I can read while I’m bored on the Red Line). If you don’t think you have the power in you to stop, then no wonder you have a daily quota to meet of the number of times you need to recite the serenity prayer. Get some self control, mang! And don’t ruin Twitter for everyone else with your bullshit (I’m sure you can’t fit all the bullshit you have to tweet anyways). If you can’t cut the shit, then sign offline and buy one of these bad boys: *special thank you to A*