Lame Quotes

I don’t like to read people’s “info” section on Facebook due to lame quotes. People, please understand that your quotes define you. Don’t think that because you visit your grandma or promote random acts of kindness that you are a good person. Because you are wrong. It is your quotes that define who you are. Forget what you heard with that “actions speak louder than words” bullshit, it’s malarkey. Your Facebook information section defines you. For example, my Facebook informational section quote is “The best revenge is massive success” by Frank Sinatra because:

1. I am classic and timeless.

2. I am massively successful at life.

3. I am vengeful, so don’t fuck with me.

There you have it. That quote is just who I am. Fabulous. Thanks Frankie Blue Eyes. If everyone could just use good quotes instead of bad ones, that would be great. Instead people are using lame, bullshit ass quotes that are so corny they make Lifetime Original Movies look like they were directed by Tarantino. Below are some of the lamest/suckiest quotes I’ve ever read from AIM profiles to Myspace to Facebook info sections. Enjoy becoming increasingly dumber as you read them all.

“A friend is someone who will come bail you out of jail, but a best friend will be sitting next to you in the jail cell saying ‘that was freakin’ awesome.” You know what this quote reminds me of? It reminds me of how my ex boyfriend was constantly calling me to bail him out of the drunk tank at obscene hours of the night. I was fucking pissed. Especially because his best friend sitting next to him in jail was a moron who tried to talk shit to Quincy police.

“Friends are like stars. You can’t always see them, but you always know they’re there.” That would be a negative considering my friends are pretty gone when they’re drinking.

“Life isn’t measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.” The moments that take my breath away are the moments when the elevators at work take way too long and I have to take the stairs. So corny.

“A guy and a girl can be just friends, but at one point they will fall for each other…maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever.” Um…I hangout with Barney. There’s never a right time to fall in love with Barney. Sorry Dave Matthews, but you’re wrong.

“There’s three things in life every girl needs: love to make her weak, alcohol to make her strong, and best friends when both things make her hit the floor.” Is this quote encouraging girls to behave like Bridget Jones before she learned to respect herself? Also, is this girl dating Chris Brown? Why is her boyfriend making her hit the floor? Corny/lame. “Dance as though no one is watching you. Love as though you have never been hurt before. Sing as though no one can hear you. Live as though heaven is on earth.” If you dance like no one is watching, please know: I am watching and judging you. And I am also embarrassed for you. We all know second hand embarrassment is the worst kind of embarrassment. “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.” Be careful you don’t get electrocuted while you’re dancing in the storm you douche.

“All you have to do in life is go out with your friends, party hard, and look twice as good as the bitch next to you.” Who gives a shit if you’re not an heiress, the ONLY thing you need to do in life is go out. And if you want to show off that brain of yours, quote Paris Hilton while you standing next to an ugly girl. Great advice. PS: I hate you.

I have some really good advice for girls who want to express their individuality/reiterate that they are high maintenance and entitled: Quote Marilyn Monroe. No one does it enough. People will like you if you quote a fallen starlet. If you want to go completely balls to the wall with girly quotes, quote Audrey Hepburn.

Okay, so I don’t feel like trying to recall anymore awful, corny, stupid quotes. Just try to remember that you’re not a 14 year old girl decorating her Myspace page by copy and pasting fancy images with lame quotes into her HTML. Be all that you can be by stealing a worthwhile quote that defines who you are. Don’t be a cornball. Good luck. I’ll help get you started by allowing you to copy and paste this meaningful quote onto your Facebook:

“I didn’t grow up in the ocean — as a matter of fact — near the ocean — I grew up in the desert. Therefore, it was a pleasant contrast to see the ocean. And I particularly like it when I’m fishing.” –George W. Bush