There is no worse way to start a day than getting a shitty coffee. Well, I’m sure there are worse things, like stepping on a Lego, but getting a shitty coffee still sucks and isn’t a good way to start off the day. I don’t know if anyone else pays attention to the person making their coffee, but I can tell from the second they put the ice in the cup if the coffee is going to suck or not. You see, there is an art to making a coffee. It’s called the ice to sweetener to cream to coffee ratio. And if you can’t get this made up ratio down, then you probably shouldn’t be working at Dunkin Donuts. Maybe try working at Starbucks, where customers put in their own cream/milk/sweetener/booze/whatever helps them get through their morning. Or maybe, just don’t work at any coffee shops and you can go home and watch Maury all day from your bed while you eat Bagel Bites. Fuck it. But anyways, I watch the person making my coffee like a creepy hawk. I let them finish making it, and if it looks good, I’m happy. But if it doesn’t look good, I make my annoyed face. Which is basically, I flare one nostril, and try to raise one eyebrow without looking like a complete weirdo but fail. Then while I pay, I take a sip of the coffee (if I see the I.S.C.C. ratio is compromised, I get my straw out of the wrapper and ready to stick in the cup, so I can complain immediately after the hand-off). I’ll tell the shitty coffee maker that the coffee needs more or less of whatever, then when they take it back, I continue to watch. If the coffee maker isn’t a complete douche, they’ll just start over. Because once a coffee has been diagnosed shitty, there is no fixing it. Sorry if that offends you, but I speak the truth. If the person making your coffee is a talentless ass clown, they’ll definitely try to fix it by pouring out like 10-17% of it, then adding ice or more coffee or more cream or whatever. And if you are anything like me, when you see this happening, you’ll make your annoyed face the duration of this adjustment to your coffee. You will then proceed to puss out, thank the coffee maker, and walk away pissed off more at yourself than at the coffee maker. Because you allowed it to happen. And now you have a shitty, twice-made coffee that you’re just going to throw out when you get to work. You suck. But there is ONE way to ensure this shit doesn’t happen. What you can do to avoid a shittily made coffee, is watch the coffee makers make the iced coffees for the customers ahead of you. After they’ve added all the crap to the coffee, they’ll need to mix it all together. If they are a confident and skilled coffee maker, they will cap off the coffee, then tip it completely upside-down, doing a 180 and shake the shit out of that thing. If they are not confident, they’ll slightly and slowly tip the cup, leaving the cream or milk in one place. They might even have such low self esteem when it comes to coffee making that they will put a paper fucking towel over the lid as they shake it. A skilled coffee maker doesn’t need a paper towel safety net. So you need to go with the coffee maker who is confident in their shaking, unless you want to dig your own grave with a hot cup. One time I asked someone to completely remake my coconut iced coffee, and when I got the finished product, I noticed that the word “CUNT” was written on the cup. Did they mean to write “CNUT” for coconut, or did I offend the coffee maker? I don’t really know. But you need to trust your maker…your coffee maker. They have the power to make or break your morning. And they also have the power to give you the decaf treatment. Because I made damn sure to “accidentally” give asshole customers decaf instead of regular back when I worked at a coffee shop. So your best bet is to become a regular somewhere. Or you can just be like me and get fed up at what a pussbag you are because you can’t ask them to remake the entire coffee without feeling like a TOTAL “CNUT”, and get a Red Bull instead. Whatever you want to do. I don’t really care. Have a great day. PS: If you’re a coffee maker, don’t be a offended by this entry. It’s called constructive criticism. I worked at Dunkin Donuts in high school, it’s not something to cry about.
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