It’s Friday. Fuck yeah. And the unseasonably warm weather is reminding me of Summer and the apocalypse. Now, take a minute at your desk, or your couch (mute Maury for a second), close your eyes, and envision the most relaxing place you can imagine. Is it Castle Island on a warm summer day, no clouds in sight? Is it on a canoe in the middle of the fucking sea? Is it on a hammock somewhere in India for whatever reason you fancy? I can tell you where it’s not: Nantasket beach. I get it baby boomers, Nanny beach is your first love. You had summer romances with Hull locals before Hull was considered the armpit of the South Shore (Weymouth: You are the B.O.). You rode a roller coaster that made you shit your pants because screws were falling out with every steep dip the rickety cart took. You ate fried dough and laughed and sun bathed. I’m so happy for you. You got Nantasket in it’s glory days. But look at the above picture and realize that the American dream ended a long time ago at this beach. It’s an overpopulated, polluted, trash-fest nowadays. And every girl from the South Shore you see beyond the wall isn’t drinking Kool-Aid in those cups. They are drinking the warm beers that were in their back seat from the night before. At 11 AM. I remember as a child, my mom, along with 5 million other South Shore moms, packing up our ’87 Chevy Celebrity station wagon (leather in the way back trunk seats that burned your tiny behind), tangy lemonade in a jug, and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. We would hit 3A and be on our way. Upon arrival you need to find a parking space. This is half of your Nanny beach experience…finding parking. Nowadays you can find prime parking if you want to PAY 17 DOLLARS! Like, what?! No! No, no no! The beach is so crowded that you see nothing but rainbows as you look into the miles long stretch of umbrellas. Good luck finding your whiny 5 year old brat a place to build a castle. You can’t even fit a fucking shovel and pale between the millions of towels that overlap each other. Want to go into the water? That’s all well and fun, but be aware that you are tossing a football around in pee. Don’t try to give me that, “Oh, the water is warm due to the heat wave this week!”, it’s pee. And moms, be aware that when your kids go out too deep, that there are 17 billion other kids out in that urine that look exactly like your little satan spawn. Good luck.I don’t want to be too mean to Nantasket, since I spent much of my childhood there (and I kind of like Barefoot Bob’s). I loved that carousel. The positive part of your beach day is that you can stop at a t-shirt store and pick up a classy and beautiful sarong that has “NANTASKET BEACH HULL, MA” embroidered over the Hawaiian flowers. You go girl. I always knew you were the stylish broad I thought you were. At Nanny beach you also get to look at the high class locals, chain smoking on the wall with giant chains hanging from their chests and “IRISH PRIDE” inked on their bacne. You know you love bad boys. For those who REALLY want to submerge themselves into the Nantasket beach culture, remember that the Arbor Inn Motor Lodge is also on 3A. Make it a romantic night for you and your babe. Wink, wink. And remember: there is nothing like laying in the sand that NEVER comes out of your towels because it’s the molasses of sand, while eating your greasy fisherman’s platter from Joseph’s, sucking down a Del’s Lemonade and having 800 seagulls attack you and shit all over you and your Sun-In drenched hair. Why even bother trying to get up out of your chair? This is TOO relaxing. Nanny beach is the most un-relaxing beach I have ever experienced and I wish everyone would move on and just give it time to recover from the years of abuse it has received. I understand that people don’t like change. I understand that people are accustomed to Nantasket. It is the Quincy Center bars of beaches. But please, take an extra 20 minutes out of your day (the amount of time you find looking for parking anyways), and go to Marshfield or something. Stop being lazy. And baby boomers: Paragon Park is demolished and so are your dreams of taking that pottery class you’ve been swearing you are going to take to get away from the kiddies. Move on to something nicer.
SPECIAL THANKS TO MM! You inspire me!