Because Molly Said So

I have been waiting for the perfect moment of inspiration to write about friendship. I just had dinner and a few drinks with two of my girlfriends and it was just a good/comfortable time, and I feel I can maaaaaybe get this right. I am constantly learning about the relationships I have with the people I am close with in my life as I get older. You know that quote from whoever the fuck said it, that is something like, “After a while, you just want to be with the ones who make you laugh.” Corny. Yeah. But it’s so true. Why the fuck would you want to hangout with someone who doesn’t make you laugh? They don’t even have to be funny by the normal standard of the word “funny”. If you know someone well enough, you can make each other laugh. I literally have a girlfriend who has George Costanza’s luck. Same girl who had a fat dude get angry for being parked near her in the Quincy Center parking lot, so he beat the shit out her windshield with a crowbar. Terrible luck. And we just laugh about it, but she’s not remotely funny. She will admit that she has absolutely no sense of humor. She doesn’t like comedies. She hates South Park and Curb and every show that I need in my life to laugh. But we’ve been friends for years and we can both make each other laugh. I don’t even fucking know how. We just laugh about shitty things going on in our lives. There is just something about laughing at shitty things going on in our lives that make us laugh like fucking weirdos and it just relieves something in us. That relief is what we get out of our friendship. We laugh and we feel better and that’s why our friendship is beneficial to us. We get something out of the friendship, and it is reciprocated. It is a motherfucking win-win situation going on.

Sometimes I hear stories of what other people deal with in certain friendships. And it sounds stressful. Sometimes a friend will stress ME out. But if a friendship gets to the point where you are no longer laughing, you are just walking on egg shells and getting NOTHING out of it, I hate to make you feel like shit, but that friendship is not worth it anymore. It might have been beneficial when you were in high school and life was easy and filled with 40 ounces, but people grow apart. Distance yourself. Friendship should never be stressful. When I say “beneficial”, you might be thinking I am saying that friendships are a one-way and selfish street. Nope. Friendship does not give you the right to take advantage of or use someone. But when it comes to your own well being, you need to get your shit together and realize that someone who is causing you stress is not the friend you need in your life. Stress is not healthy. Some people are not healthy for us. So in a way, you do need to be selfish. You need a friend who will bring you stress RELIEF, or some kind of equivalent. Both parties need to bring something to the table. Like for example, if me and my girlfriends were Sex & The City characters, I would be the one who did Bill Cosby impressions/bitched while she wore heels/refused to go to Peggy’s. I want some friends of equal importance to add something to the group.  But you also need to be selfless and be there (reasonably) for those that you can really imagine being there for you when you need it. Don’t bullshit yourself, you know who would be there to ride with you in a cab if you were shitfaced and puking in front of JJ Foley’s (you mess). Don’t give anyone excuses for why they weren’t there. I’m not saying leave your shitty friend a dramatic Facebook message cutting them off forever. I’m just saying that actions speak louder than mother fucking words and maybe some distance will give you some clarity.

One thing that drives me INSANE is when people say that someone “owes” them something. No one owes anyone shit. The only person you owe something to is yourself. Friends don’t throw out the “You owe me…” bullshit. Ever. I help my friends out when I can, and when it’s reasonable. And they reciprocate. Throw the word “owe” out of your vocabulary because no matter how you use it, you sound like a self-entitled douche. If you want something done, do it yourself. No one owes anybody SHIT. Unless it’s your family, but that’s for another entry.

Equal to saying “You owe me…” is throwing around the word “Ditched” like we are in high school screening phone calls from the giant Nokia phones we borrowed from our moms for the weekend. I miss the game Snake…sigh. But anyways, I make unofficial plans all the time. I’m not flaky. They are “maybe plans”. They are “Yeah, lunch sounds awesome tomorrow! Let’s get to Sully’s by 1!”, but we say this as we are at the bar at 12am. And we know damn well we won’t remember these plans. So don’t call me the next day and act offended when I don’t answer because I’m sleeping at noon. Don’t leave me text messages saying I “ditched” you. Motherfucker, I work over 40 hours a week and I am sleeping late and you should be happy for me. Shit happens in adult land and we get tired and plans fall through. I don’t condone bailing on plans constantly, but cut your friends some fucking slack. Everyone gets tired or things just come up during life. Faaaahhhhk.

Comfortable silence is another huge factor when it comes to a solid friendship. Me and my best friend have the perfect comfortable silence and it is so unawkward and glorious. I hate going out with a girlfriend and running out of shit to say, and having there be this strange need to come up with something to talk about. As a matter of fact, I don’t put myself in a situation where that ever happens. I’ve literally stopped seeking new friends. No longer in the market. Don’t peg me for a complete and utter snobby bitch, because I am open to new people and when the opportunity comes up, I make new friends. I was voted “friendliest” in the Central Middle School yearbook before superlatives were taken away because someone on yearbook committee was voting for them self (true story). But I don’t go out of my way to make friends. If I meet someone cool, that’s fucking awesome. New friend. Yay. If I don’t, that’s just one less birthday to remember. Although, not even because Facebook reminds me of every birthday of anyone I’ve ever met. One thing I do love is getting reacquainted with old friends who you can pick up right where you left off. And you can act like a retard around them because they hung out with you when you had a Matilda haircut and moderate to severe acne. Same goes for my girlfriends who moved further away. We can pick up where we left off and it’s like we didn’t skip a beat. We are still those same dumb broads drinking draft beer and psychoanalyzing the characters from the show “Doug”. Like Mr. Dink will always be a petophile, you and your girlfriends will always be friends. Just hopefully not as creepy.

I’d go into talking about how you shouldn’t feel like a friend is talking about you when you leave a room, but I won’t bother. That should have been left behind years ago.

So I guess the point I won’t be able to make because I drank a little bit at dinner, is that you need to let fucking go of stressful people in your life. It’s baggage that you don’t need. You don’t need to see each other every day, or even once a month to be friends. Stop feeling obligated to other people because you played Polly Pockets together in 2nd grade or because you went to AA together back in 1993. If someone stresses you out there is probably little to no benefit in maintaining that friendship. Focus on the friends who make you grow as a person, and who you do the same for. Only put effort into the friendships that are beneficial to both parties. And again, by “beneficial”, I just mean “healthy”. Life is too short to worry about this kind of shit. That’s what having children is for. And for those of you that have children: don’ t try to be their friends, period. Those little assholes don’t want to be your friend. They just want your money. It’ll just stress you out