Creeps. They make both non-creepy females and males cringe just thinking about them. They make us feel as disgusted as when we watched Charlize Theron play Aileen Wuronos in the movie “Monster”. They have no shame and don’t even need alcohol for their creepiness to lurk around us. Sometimes we can sense that their dead eyes are drilling into us when we aren’t even looking. One thing is certain, as soon as we realize there is a creeper among us, we immediately panic and try to come up with a way to repel him/her. But creeps don’t always take the hint, they GET the hint, they just don’t take it, because they have no tact. Throughout the years on the bar scene, I’ve developed a few sure fire ways to ward off a creeper for good.
- Lock eyes: You need to be very sure that you will not start laughing. When you spot a creeper from across the bar staring at you, even after you have made eye contact, lock eyes with him/her. Just hold that eye lock, making sure your eyes are wide open and just as creepy as the creeps. Then using one hand, point your index and middle fingers to your eyes and then point at the creeper. This will show him/her who’s boss. They might be a creeper, but YOU are a psychopath who stares through the dead souls of creepers.
- Be blunt: Don’t play games with the creeper because he/she will creep you the fuck out all night. Like I said, show this creeper who’s boss. Be completely up front with the creep. Either tell him, “I know you are a creeping enthusiast, but you’re making me feel violated”, or just beat him at his own game by taking the fun out of creeping: “My tolerance has gone up, I now require 4 roofies to get a good night’s sleep.”. At this point the creeper will either begin creeper his next victim, or he will be turned on. If he is the latter, follow my next step…
- Resort to extreme PDA: This is the only time I will promote extreme PDA. But creepy times call for creepy measures. Grab your significant other or a friend you make out with sometimes, and just start dry humping them. Now the creeper knows you are with someone, and their chance of luring you to a darkened alley way is slim.
- Pretend you are with child: Stick your belly out and hold your lower back with one arm to support it. If you are a guy, talk about shooting blanks within earshot of the female creeper.
- Be “Gay”: If you are straight and someone of the opposite sex is creepin’, turn gay for a few minutes. I’ve seen this work wonders. I was out with friends in Fanuel Hall for a 21st birthday a few years ago and this chick that looked like Predator was creeping on the birthday boy. He has a girlfriend to whom he is completely committed to, which some whores just don’t care about. So rather than hurt the Predator’s feelings, he just told her he wasn’t interested in her because he was gay. Her response? Demanding that he dance.
- Be stanky: Tell one of your guy friends to fart near the creep, then when it starts to stank you should shout “SAFETY!”. Creeps are pretty creepy, but guys hate to think of a girl farting. This works both ways because girls aren’t keen on guys farting either. This is a proven fact. I was at the Half Door one night and some dude farted and cleared out the entire front bar. Last call was called almost a half hour early due to the stench. True story.
- Dance like Elaine Benes: If you’re a chick trying to cut a rug on the dance floor who falls victim to a creepy grinder, just start dancing like Elaine. OR you could just be like this chick I saw downtown in San Diego and devise a “personal space skirt”:
Creeps are everywhere. There is nothing we can do to change that. The bar is one of the most common places you’ll see a creep lurking, but sometimes the creep will find ways to creep after the bar. This occurs when the creep knows who you are and has been creeping in the distance for a long time. This chick with googly eyes who hangs out at the same bars as my friends creeps on every boyfriend I’ve ever had. First time she creeped she Facebook messaged my current boyfriend (who she had never spoken to) and simply said “I worked with your brothers. You and your friends should hangout with me and my friends “. Eek. Using emoticons when you are sending a creepy Facebook message makes the creeping EXTRA creepy. The second time she creeped was with my ex boyfriend. She knew his cousin, who gave her his phone number and she texted him saying, “We should go to the zoo sometime”. He was nice enough to respond and say he was “Sorry but, I have plans“. She proceeded to tell him he was just like every other guy. I assume an emoticon was used but who fucking knows. Maybe every other guy declines her advances to go to the zoo because she’s a fucking creep who texts strangers asking to go to the zoo? But I don’t know, creeps are people I will never be able to figure out.