There is nothing I love more than reading the threads under Facebook statuses that ask for rides/drugs. Well, there is one thing I love more, and that’s searching Facebook for freshly arrested morons that I read about on PatriotLedger.com. The ideal thing to find is a status from the night of their arrest that says “FML” or something. Love it. White trash never fails to disappoint: they keep their Facebook profiles public and write ALL of their business on social media. Like I said though, it’s a close second when I see people ask for rides/drugs via a status update. Like, do you have no shame asking an acquaintance for a ride to the courthouse? Take a fucking taxi. I guess it’s naive of me to think that they have the money for a taxi. In that case, take the bus. It’s fitting. And the drugs status are even better. Sometimes I will log in and strike gold on my newsfeed when I read a status that asks if anyone can get any percocets. But that’s just wishful thinking. Most of the time I just see a few “Anyone got any buddha? Hit me up!”. The responses are sometimes hilarious. Concerned family members telling their little cherubs that they are running with the wrong crowd. People asking if they should really be putting their “business” on Facebook like that. It kills me. I hope people who ask these kinds of questions on social media are reading this right now and feel like total assholes. Stop smoking, and I don’t usually tell potheads to stop smoking, but for these people I will make a special exception because the last thing they need is to lose more brain cells. I pray to Tupac that these people who ask for a drug connect online aren’t REALLY that stupid. That maybe they are just seeking some attention or something. Perhaps they want to be internet cool? Perhaps this is just the generation of fucking retards who think its acceptable and smart to ask for drugs on the same network that their parents are logged into. I hope these people fall for those random faux friend requests of “real people” they’ve never heard of who are their age, from their hometown, and have 78 mutual friends and a photo album of 3-4 super generic/obscure pictures of groups of girls that can be found if you Google “stock images of group of teenagers”. For example:
Guess what smartypants? Those are either cops or your ex boyfriend’s new/batshit crazy girlfriend who wants to creep. Don’t believe me? Think you are just getting hit on? Well go to that person’s Facebook and check the About Me/quotes. I promise you that their info is filled with references to typical slang and hangout spots in your city or town, such as “My hobbies are hangin at the rock and chillin’ with my guuurrrllls!” And whether this strange friend request is 5-0 or the crazy new girlfriend, your status updates requesting someone to inbox you where the good sticky icky is doesn’t make it look like you’re a successful young professional with a promising life ahead of you. And you brag about your street smarts? Get it together.