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Archive | July, 2012

People Who Like Animals More Than Other People.

31 Jul

Do you ever come across those people in life who prefer animals to people? I have. And you know what I think? Those people are crazy and capable of extreme and drastic measures. What kind of extreme and drastic measures? I don’t know. I try not to think about it. But I see it all the time on Hoarders, and it gets pretty scary.

Don’t get me wrong. I love animals. I kind of suck at walking the family dog (love you Bailey…BFFL!), but I like to pet her now and again when I’m at my parent’s house once a week, if that. Growing up my family always had parakeets because my parents knew my siblings and I would be deadbeat dog owners despite our promises that we’d walk the thing. And cats?  Well, cats fucking suck so that was out of the question. We didn’t get a dog until I was a senior in high school and ready to peace out to college. But I never minded the parakeets. Unless they were shitting on my head…

So I guess maybe I’m biased because I’m clearly not Jane fucking Goodall. But I have had beloved family pets that were like a part of the family, and I still think that extreme animal lovers are bat-shit crazy. Being “one of those” animal lovers really makes me wary of some people. You know who I’m talking about (pretty much all of PETA -although I have to give them props for flour-bombing Kim Kardashian…if it was them. But why do they always have to be naked? Can’t they at least craft an outfit out of tin foil or trash bags?). Or the asshole you see being interviewed on the news who goes the unpopular route of taking the side of a dog who bit a baby’s face off and says, “I feel bad for the dog. It didn’t know any better!”. Um…the dog only ATE A BABY, are you fucking serious?!! Whether or not the dog knew what was going on, it needs to be put down in the midst of chewing through the infant’s flesh!!! Jesus Christ!

It just gets a little weird when animal lovers cross the line from animal lover to animal extremist. Throwing red shit while screaming like an ape at people in fur coats, hoarding over 400 cats in your 1 bedroom apartment (actually I think it’s pushing it to own more than 2-3 cats, personally), putting I <3 my dog bumper stickers all over your vehicle, frequently uploading pictures of your pet in various outfits and poses…etc. I mean, it seems like there really are some people out there who if given the choice to save a human being or a cat, would pick the latter. Not normal. Calm down.

I understand that animals give us unconditional love, even when we are being douchebags and humans won’t give us the time of day. It’s okay to be besties with your animal (s). But it just gets weird when your ONLY friend is your pet. A lot of people have issues that don’t allow them to interact normally with other humans. Maybe these people think that other people are evil. And maybe they should try therapy. It works better than ferret hoarding. Oh, but animals have never hurt you the way your ex husband hurt you when he was caught with your best friend? Sorry for your loss, but becoming the town cat lady isn’t going to help you. It just makes you the crazy ex wife who smells like cat  food and desperation. And the ammonia coming from your cat piss drenched carpet  is  making you ill. Also: there are 7 dead kittens under your couch cushions.

Animals are awesome. But get your shit together.

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Who You Callin’ “Hun”?!

30 Jul

This weekend I fell victim to white trash. Gross, I know. They weren’t chasing me down in a beat up minivan like the last time I had a white trash encounter. But this time was just as annoying, if not more. This white trash broad in particular did what all white trash of every age has a nasty habit of doing (and I don’t mean smoking 2 packs of Newps a day then washing them down with a Dunks iced coffee with extra cream/extra sugar): she called me “hun”. Ugh! I hate this shit! I don’t care who you are or how old you are: DON’T CALL ME “HUN”. This chick in particular is a couple of years older than me, but that doesn’t give her the right. The only people with with rights to “hun’ing” me are my older family members. If you aren’t a blood relative, you need to stop. First of all, the girl who called me “hun” this weekend is a ripping white trash “nurse” (white trash who are medical assistants tend to refer themselves as “nurses”, but they really just have lower level jobs in medical billing and coding or something of that nature. Sometimes they don’t even work in the medical field, they just sniff prescription pills and think that gives them the “nurse” title. ). She’s like 32 but still looks like she shops at The Cube in Marshall’s. You know, Angels jeans, pleather and animal print enthusiast, etc. She leaves the Caps Lock on when she types. I can’t even. Just please, don’t call me “hun”. Because “hun” implies that you think you are better than me. And you’re not. Quite the contrary. Ladies: don’t let anyone call you “hun”. “Hun” is a derogatory term that white trash uses to talk down to you. Sometimes you will be horrified to find that even girls who are younger than you will call you “hun”. They’ll say it after almost every sentence to make themselves feel validated. Sometimes “hun” is the white trash’s way of being passive aggressive.

“What’s up, HUN?!”

“Hey HUN, can I get a cigarette?”.

Disgusting.  Don’t let it happen. Let’s get down to business to defeat the HUN.

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Twilight Scandal Analysis

27 Jul

I hate to do this, but I’m going to analyze this Hollywood cheating scandal with Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson. Kristen is clearly getting crucified by the media. And she brought that on herself. She openly hooked up with a married man who is twice her age, and has 2 kids. She jeopardized her relationship with a guy who is almost as desirable as Justin Bieber is with millions of girls all over the world. There is a consequence for every action. But I think she’s being judged a little too harshly. What all these diehard Rob girls who are two thirds to a retard are neglecting to recall is that Kristen Stewart is twenty-two fucking years old. I know, that’s an adult. But it’s a very young adult. Yeah, she knew better. But her director, Rupert what the fuck his last name is, is much older. He is married. He has two children. He is her DIRECTOR. Kristen is a naive actress who has been dating her costar for 4 years and is followed around by paparazzi all day and looks pretty miserable about it all. Being her director, this Rupert dude is an authoritative figure to Kristen. He knows WAY better than Kristen did. Kristen was dead wrong…but her director was WRONGER. Yeah…wronger. Kristen’s not married. But she shouldn’t be in a committed relationship either because she’s clearly immature. Although, I found her apology to be more mature than most actors/actresses who are caught in this kind of scandal (you know, the statements from their PR that deny deny deny, then a divorce is filed a week later).

In my opinion, this scandal shows us that Kristen Stewart is a young adult who lacks good judgement and is both immature and naive. She has now taken the A-list Homewrecker crown from Angelina Jolie (although Angelina Jolie is on a different level of acting than KStew – the difference being she CAN act. As for the director: he’s a fucking scumbag. Rob, I feel bad for him, I  guess. Not really. He’s rich and good looking. Kristen should have dumped him. But I don’t feel that bad: he will find someone else and so will she and they will all be rich for being actors who aren’t even that good at acting. It’s Hollywood, and relationships have an expiration date in that batshit bananas world. You know who I feel worse for? The director’s wife and kids. But I can’t even feel that bad for them either…they are also rich and pretty. If they were poor, I would maybe think about sending them 10 cents a day.

I think the thing we need to remember is that no one should really feel bad or care at all. Cheating is terrible. But everyone in this scandal is rich and good looking and some of them aren’t even good at what they do. I mean, Twilight really is terrible. I am now dumber for having written this blog. Now I’m depressed. Sigh.

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July’s Featured Bartender: Nina!

26 Jul

Okay, so I  see a trend in my readers: You enjoy local shit. You also are heavy drinkers. (Just kidding…kind of). So what better than nominating a featured local bartender of each month? Since bartenders are the ones concocting and mixing and cracking open your beers, I think it’s time we give them props. If you want to let your favorite bartender know that she (or he) is the best of the best, let them know (get permission, don’t be a fucking creep), snap a pic with your i-phone (unless you’re poor or over the age of 50, in which case snap a pic with your prepaid phone), and send me a message: becausemollysaidso@hotmail.com. Imagine how fucking hard it is to spend all night with a bunch of drunk people while your sober? Yeah, they do it all the time and deserve some cred. I think it’s time we give back to the people slinging our alcohol and cutting us off when we’ve had too much, by featuring them in a blog written by a girl that you don’t even know.

July’s Featured Bartender: Nina from Cagney’s

Where/when you can catch her:

Behind the bar at Cagney’s on Washinton Street in Quincy every Friday and Saturday night.

Do you have a signature drink?:

Lately I’ve been serving up a lot of skinnified versions of classic drinks, for example a skinny pina colada – coconut vodka and soda water with a splash of pineapple juice. It’s a nice light, low cal drink for summer. I also make a mean dirty martini.

What’s your favorite drink when you’re not busy serving the thirsty citizens of Quincy:

Depends on the occasion. You can never go wrong with a Ketel and soda. And I love a good glass of red with Sunday dinner.

What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever seen as a bartender?

Craziest thing was definitely while doing a day shift at the last bar I worked. A guy came in, seemed normal and was pretty friendly. He drank a total of two beers the entire time he was there. Then he disappeared for at least 10 minutes. I’m just going about my work when he stumbles up to the bar, seemingly shitfaced and proceeds to tell me how he deserves to have his beers comped and it was terrible, there was no toilet paper in the mens room . I was trying to calm him down and tell him that I don’t check the bathrooms and the morning cleaner is responsible for that when he yelled “I just had to wipe my ass with my own hand!” He then tried to fight pretty much every person in the place before we finally got him to leave.

On a completely separate occasion, there was this guy that I went on one date with and had mentioned that he should come visit me at work sometime. Well he did, and it also happened to be a night we were hosting a birthday party at the bar. Everyone drank a lot, he ended up arguing with one of the guys who threw the party. At the end of the night, we’re cleaning up and the guy who threw the party was walking out the door with leftover cake. Well long story short date guy and him are still mouthing off to each other, they end up out in the middle of the street, cake everywhere, date guy head butts cake guy, Quincy cops show up, needless to say there was never a second date.

Creepy. Any more creepy stories?

Lots of creepy things happen all the time, I dont know, I don’t really have a creepy story. It’s funny how so many guys come in and think that just because you’re nice to them and smile and listen to their dumb stories that you want to go home with them. I’m just doing my job buddy.

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Guilty Pleasures

24 Jul

We all have them. Whether they are cuddling with our comfort objects from when we were toddlers (my deformed/beat up lookin’ teddy bear and Hello Kitty sleep in between Ryan and I every night), or indulging in some of Stop & Shop cheapest wines every night, or eating peanut butter from the jar (it disgusts me when I see people do this), or smoking meth….guilty pleasures give us that extra pick-me-up to get us through our shittiest work weeks. Some are worse than others, and some cause our teeth to fall out of our head and hallucinations that our cats are Pokemon (see ‘smoking meth’). But most of our guilty pleasures lay within a 32  inch box that sits in our living room. Or if you are poor, they lie in a black and white 24 inch shit-box with antennas wrapped in aluminum. For those who are stupid: they lay in our fucking televisions. Yup, the TV is everyone’s haven of guilty pleasures. Unless you are one of those asshole hipster’y people who say “I don’t watch TV, I read novels and the New York Times. I’m a douchebag! My mom pays my cell phone bill! Give me something to complain about! “, and things like that. Yeah, yeah, we know. Michael Moore’s your brothah from anothah mothah. Gotcha. But if you’ve conformed to our lazy American culture, you watch at least one shitty ass TV show. If you’re a girl, kindly admit that you watch at LEAST one reality show (a better bet is two).  If you’re a guy, you’re probably watching those same Most Shocking Police Chase  or World’s Dumbest Criminals shows at least once a week, even if you’ve seen them all 576 times. Maybe throw some Pawn Stars in there afterwards. Little Shark week…you’ve been waiting all summer for it. Don’t lie. This can’t be denied, the mermaid documentary was trending on Twitter just last week and there are actually people who exist that believe this shit and fear mermaids. Crazy, right? Not really. Actually very common. Scary shit (that people believe in the mermaids, not the idea of mermaids being real).

So what do we do when we find out other peoples’ guilty pleasures? We shit on them. I watched the first few seasons of Jersey Shore. My boyfriend shit on me. I deserved it. Just like I shit on him when he stayed up til 2am every night of the week to watch the fucking X Files. He LOVES aliens. Like, loves them. As much as David Duchonvy loves sex (gross). But it’s difficult to give him too much shit for this. Because here’s my TV lineup (weekly):

Sunday: Breaking Bad (okay, nothing bad there…completely acceptable).

Monday: Nothing.

Tuesday: Dance Moms, then Teen Mom….double whammy. An hour of Abby Lee Miller screaming in 7 year old’s faces followed by another hour of Farrah being an ungrateful douche, Farrah’s mom being hard to look at, Gary being two thirds to a retard, Amber being a mess, Ryan being a smokeshow, Kyle looking like Sloth in the shadow of Ryan, Maci being a stage 5 clinger, and Catelynn and Tyler not even being parents (ouch).

Wednesday: Sometimes I flick back and forth between South Park and all the scenes in Real World St. Thomas when Brandon Brutality cries and throws tantrums and pretends to be from South Boston.

Thursday: Awkward. I know, I’m 25. Fuck you.

Friday: N/A.

Saturday: N/A.

Yeah, I know. I suck. But there is just something about all 600 lbs of Abby Lee Miller verbally assaulting children and crazy, lushy moms that makes me want to pour a big glass of Beringer, and laugh and repeat: “This is child abuse!” for an hour. I guess I’d watch The Bachelor and those kinds of shows, but those just give me a bad case of second hand embarrassment that even the cheapest of wine can’t shake.

The moral of the story is: we all have guilty pleasures. We all watch shitty TV shows. Let’s embrace that and condemn the meth-heads instead.

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What Ever Happened to Predictability?

24 Jul

Remember how awesome television was when you were a kid in the 90′s? I know, I hate saying “Our generations so much better than your generation!”, but it’s so F’ing true in this case. The 90′s were bad ass, especially considering the TV shows that we watched back then. I’m not someone who has no experience with all of today’s kids’ shows, either. My niece is almost 7 years old and she watches all of this shit. I guess as long as she’s outgrown Caillou I can’t complain too much. But seriously, Disney and Nick need to step it  up on programming. Hannah Montana? What the fuck is that? (I’m aware it’s dunzo, but it’s still considered a show belonging to this generation of kids in my book). Seriously, it’s about a girl who puts on a blonde wig and lives a double life as a pop star. Stupid. I mean, it could have worked for Mary Kate and Ashley, I guess. But they weren’t smoking Salvia on the sidelines.

Ughhh, my achy breaky heart longs for the days of TGIF and Pete & Pete. And speaking of song lyrics, what the hell is up with all these corny ass musical sitcoms? High School Musical…don’t the young girls watching this shit know that Zac Efron is gay and Vanessa Hudgens is a whore? No, but really, why is everyone singing and dancing their way through high school? If someone broke out in song and dance in the middle of the cafeteria when I was in high school, they’d be taken out in a stretcher and accused of day drinking. Then Palumbo would probably make them pee on a stick when they got back from their suspension. Then they’d be singing and dancing with the degenerates in the GOALS program. And no one would be giggly and filled with sunshine anymore. Because I swear, that place has barbed wire around it. (I just tried to Google an image of the GOALS building, but no dice. You can’t really photograph a broken dream.) Don’t even get me started on Glee. Grown adults were even all over that shit. Fucking “Gleeks”. I have to admit, I don’t get it. It’s like High School Musical in sitcom form. I decided to give it a try when Britney Spears made a guest appearance. It was just some glee club weirdos performing Britney music. But they neglected to perform the song “Everytime”, because I don’t think they wanted to show Lea Michelle killing herself in a bath tub. Someone with her smile wouldn’t drown herself on purpose. I mean, yeah, sometimes there was singing on 90′s shows. But the singing was done by The Beach boys or at least gave us corny Uncle Jesse music videos to laugh at for years to come. Nowadays if an actor can’t sing and dance, they can consider themselves screwed in Hollywood. So lame considering that every single time a singalong occurred on any of my favorite shows back in the day, I felt second hand embarrassment and had to leave the room. Why can’t good shows like Boy Meets World make a comeback? Maybe it’s because there are no more Savage brothers left to fill the shoes of Corey Mathews and Kevin Arnold. Or maybe it’s because kids and preteens of this generation are just lame hipsters who heart recycling and think Lil Wayne is the lyrical genius of this day and age/second coming of Christ if Christ had dreads. I really don’t get it. I wonder how Rider Strong feels about it. I bet he loves it because he strikes me as a super emo. I just wish everyone would stop dancing and singing. Is that too much to ask? Do we need a performance before every commercial break? And if so, why can’t we just watch Dancing With The Stars and fill our needs with an actual dance competition. All this dancing is reminding me of Kid Incorporated, and I hated that show. The second I heard the start of that silly ass theme song, I  would scramble for the clicker. I mean…what does Carl Winslow think of all this shit? Fo reeeeaaaal!

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Are You A Mess?

23 Jul

I can’t tell you how many times I hear girls complain about men they are hooking up with. They are pigs, they are dogs, they are every animal in the book. And yeah, this is true…sometimes. But isn’t blaming the guy the typical thing to do? I have a question that I want all of you single girls out there to ask yourselves: AM I A MESS? Seriously consider this for a moment. Are you a mess? Are you a walking, talking, bitching, neurotic, sloppy, hot mess? Here are some indicators that maybe you need to get your shit together:

  • You blackout: Okay, probably the most obnoxious thing besides a drunk mess is a sobriety preacher. And trust me, I love the sauce. I’m not judging you for your love affair with it! I am not trying to preach but, blacking out from alcohol is soooo not okay! It shows that you can’t handle your liquor, which shows a whole new level of immaturity. I hate hearing people defend this with “I’m just a girl who likes to have fun!”. It is not fun to get drunk and sloppy. For you, or for those around you. It’s annoying. It’s gross. It’s classless. It shows guys that you are a slob. Same goes for guys. I once dated a guy who couldn’t control himself when he was drinking. He just kept going when he got started. He literally once screamed at my Chinese friend thinking that she was me while he was trying to drunk argue. I’m a pale Irish girl.  And although I was left with a sour taste in my mouth from this relationship (literally, he had whiskey sour on his breath and no one wants to make out with a funky taste), even bad relationships are a good learning experience. I realized by the end of our relationship that I couldn’t change him. No one can change anyone. He wasn’t going to quit drinking because he didn’t realize he had a problem. He was a MESS. You are very mistaken if you think that the only type of alcoholic is one who drinks everyday. If you are binge drinking to the point of blacking out every single time you drink and cannot control how much you are putting into your body, guess what? That is an alcoholic! Control yourself! Don’t you want to remember your night? Don’t you want the cute guy making eye contact with you to remember you as someone who was in control of her own body? Not to mention, the hangover ruins your entire Saturday! I hope the girl who left her panties in the bathroom stall at Waterclub sees that I posted it and realizes that SHE is a mess…
  • You have ZERO ambition: The economy is bad. I GET IT. I complain about it all the time. But that doesn’t stop me from wanting more for myself when it comes to my career. You gotta go out and get it while the going is tough and while you are still young and optimistic! I know, I sound like one of those shitty faux trade college commercials right now: “Tired of doin’ the same old same old?! Get off the couch and call TODAY!”. Don’t read this then go out there and call ITT Tech. Just open up Microsoft Word and make a fabulous resume. Send it out to a few companies. It can be super discouraging if you don’t get any interviews, but in the mean time you can be networking. And if you find yourself interviewing but getting no offers, remember to look at the bright side: at least you’re becoming an expert interviewer. But seriously, the early 20′s are supposedly the years that we are most ambitious. If you are just sitting around on your bum all day and your 23 years old, I fear for you when you get older. You can’t watch Maury on your mom’s couch for the rest of your adult life. It’s a misconception to think that men don’t want a career oriented woman. True, that can scare men off sometimes. But a guy definitely doesn’t want no scrubs. And he doesn’t want a mooch, either. No ambition to help yourself? You are a mess.
  • You scrub it out…a lot: Speaking of scrubs…look, I LOVE scrubbing it out. Going out in a pair of my comfy jeans and band t-shirts is awesome. But Jesus Christ, throw on a little bit of make up and heels once in a while. If you look like you don’t care about yourself, the opposite sex will think you don’t care about yourself. And on the plus side, you’ll feel super confident getting all pretty for the night! And heels are slimming! BUT, I am NOT saying getting dressed up in prom attire for local pubs. You will look like you are trying too hard and that is probably the worst image to have going.
  • Your entire life is baggage: And you don’t mind advertising it to whoever will listen. Look, we all have problems. But why are you telling this dude you just met at the bar that your mom is a pill poppng nut job who maxed out 18 credit cards in your name, and your father never loved you? How is anyone supposed to respond to that? “Uhh…sorry that your family is fucking crazy and that you likely are, too?”. And why are you talking about this shit  here and to this person? Get a therapist and stop talking about this shit in public. You aren’t going to want to hear it but really, no one cares. Except maybe your close friends, but they have heard it all, too. Get a therapist. Or a diary. Fahhhk.

If you have more than 1 of these problems, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but…you might be a mess. The first step is acknowledging that you’re a mess. Once you’ve considered this as true, you can fix it! So start getting your shit together! No one else is going to do it for you! And don’t feel ashamed. I only go to the gym like once a month – I’m a mess, too!

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Reader Questions

23 Jul

I felt smug as I typed this the title to this entry. But I get emails/messages from people who read my blogs and I get a lot of questions. Most of them are the same questions or pitches for future blogs, so I figured I’d kill like 20 birds with one stone and just answer the questions I get the most frequently, all in one blog. Here goes:

Why don’t you do a blog about annoying people on Facebook?

I have. Like 17 times. It’s about as obnoxious as the annoying people on Facebook that I complain about. And at this point, with this blog, I am one of those annoying people on Facebook. All over the newsfeed with overrated blogs. I try not to be the pot calling the kettle black, but I’m sure more Facebook related topics will come in the future, as people get more and more annoying and more apps come out and more Someecards are posted by the same people over and over again. While I’m talking about Facebook, let me remind people how annoying it is when you upload a million silly pictures or quotes one after another. Stop that.

Who is the “bitch” from the Bitches 1 and Bitches Pt 2 blog?

Just some bitch. And she’s probably reading this right now. In that case: Hi, bitch!!!!

Why don’t you write for a living?

In an ideal world, I would. But in reality, people read Twilight. And fuck that.

Why do you hate Weymouth?

I don’t hate Weymouth as much as I pretend to. As a matter of fact I peruse real estate in Weymouth because you get more for your money there, it seems. The day I move to Weymouth is the day I will stop blogging…which is when I have kids. Which is not for a very long time. If ever. Some things I really do hate about Weymouth: the Fore River bridge because I feel like I’m driving on a fucking erector set, the nicknames for different sections of Weymouth (you know, like ‘N-Dub’…what the fuck is THAT? You’re from the suburbs…not 8 Mile), outdoor patios on 3A, and driving through Weymouth Landing around 5pm. But honestly, I do not hate Weymouth. I just like to give Weymouth shit.

When is your dad going to guest blog again?

When he gives me something to work with! And when I stop saying the F word so often. He thinks because he is my dad that he can just hand in shoddy work? Not gonna happen. Not on my watch. Sorry pop! I kid, I kid. He is busy being a super hero and if he wants to write again, he will.

Did you ever run into the white trash girl from your blog “White Trash Encounter” again?

Don’t be stupid, she never read that blog because white trash don’t have computers. And if they do, they don’t have internet access unless they are stealing it from their neighbors or going online with their Boost Mobile (does Boost mobile have internet?).

Will you write about the Kardashians?

I try not to keep up with the Kardashians, because I believe that entire family ruined our culture. I think anyone who actually watches and enjoys that show is stupid. I literally believe this. And I won’t apologize for that just because you are a ‘fan’ of my blog. I hate the Kardashians and no one should give them ratings. I’ve never been more dead serious in my life.

Do you have any advice for someone starting a blog?

Just do it and ask a couple friends to repost it. Don’t underestimate the power of social networking. If you have a couple hundred Facebook friends or Twitter followers, think of all the people who can repost your writing. And then their friends can repost it, and so on and so forth. It’s like the same domino effect as sleeping around. If you sleep with someone with genital warts, then you can get genital warts, then anyone else you sleep with after that can get them and then whoever they sleep with can get them. Chain of events. You can spread disease in the form of your atrocious thoughts and opinions in a blog! But honestly, if you want to write a blog, just do it. Don’t hold back and don’t worry about what other people will think. No everyone is going to like you. Who cares? Any press is good press, even if it’s criticism!

So that’s it for now, my lunch break is over. Any more questions or feedback? Send then to becausemollysaidso@hotmail.com! Thanks as usual! Xoxo.

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You Can Pay the Cover Charge, But You Can’t Buy Class…

23 Jul

Unclassy shit happens…even at the Marina. It seems this mystery broad cut a rug so hard at the Waterclub this past weekend, that her panties came off. My only question is: did she go commando at Peggy O’s after last call in Quincy? Cringe-worthy. I never understand how this kind of stuff happens. Did this girl get drunk and pee her pants? Did she forget to pull them up AFTER she peed? Was she getting some bathroom action after stumbling around the boardwalk with a mystery man? Do men lose their boxers in the bathroom? Or worse…tighty whities. I don’t know. But when I saw someone post this on Twitter, I had to share the classiness with all of you. Happy Monday!

 

Thanks MS for the upload!

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The Second Wives Club!

23 Jul

Introducing: The Second Wives Club

The Second Wives Club is a blog pitch that was sent in by a female reader who may be a permanent fixture on Because Molly Said So. She’s fresh and blunt with her advice and it’s hilarious in a “funny because it’s true kind” of way. (She also makes me want to make the switch from Planet Fitness to Fitness Unlimited.) The goal behind SWC is to educate men on what women are thinking and vice versa. If you’re a single guy and you don’t understand why you can’t pick up some tail at the bar, then maybe once you read this, you’ll understand the female psychology and who knows…maybe by Friday night you’ll be indulging in a sweet make out session in the alley next to Payless in Quincy. And for all you single girls who are reading, you’ll get the low down on where to find hunnies and how to make yourself look available without looking too available. Don’t take offense, take her advice and enjoy! Being single doesn’t have to suck!

Dear Men: Can’t A Girl Get A Drink These Days?!

They say that “good guys finish last”, but what about good girls? That quote sucks…who cares? In the end we both win, right? Maybe? Hopefully?

My theory is that the lack of chivalry in this world is due to the lack of economy. Who raised these people?! Nobody knows how to court a lady, buy her a beverage or even hold the door for her anymore. It’s pathetic!

If you want a chance at anything at all, your best bet is to buy a girl a drink. Please note that this does NOT include shots. If there is anything a girl doesn’t want it’s to be offered to do a shot with you and your buddies, UNLESS you’re a girl from Weymouth. No girl of class will say yes to a shot, but they will say yes to a drink and better yet… dinner. If I’m casually talking and laughing with you at the bar and you ask me and all your guy friends around us if we want Jager bombs while I’m literally sucking the ice cubes out of my vodka soda…it’s over before it even started. Every other state and city I’ve been to has been the complete opposite…drinks galore! But in Boston, the guys don’t seem to have any game. Maybe this is because they all are so tough. I’m not saying I’m only looking for freebies, I’m just saying to show some chivalry, some class and some manners and maybe you’ll have a chance. It’s just a drink!

And Ladies….

PUT YOUR PHONES DOWN!

Sure you might of hit it off with some guy from the ‘burbs after you’ve spent the night with your girls down in the Seaport, however, if by the following 2 or 3 days he’s MIA….he’s not interested. If he’s not calling, texting, tweeting, Facebooking…LinkingIn ha!, he doesn’t care. TRUST me on this one. So don’t be the pathetic girl crying to your homegirls that Mr. Wrong isn’t calling you back. Don’t sit there waiting by your phone for him to call, go out and meet some NEW people! If a guy wants to take you on a date he will be adamant about communication and making that date happen. Stop making excuses for him.

We all know that us girls can be the true reason chivalry is dead because let’s face it, although we all need to stick together, a lot of us girls act like dogs and cheapen our image as a whole.

What to Do (and WHERE to go!):

So you’re probably asking yourself, “Well if I can’t find a decent man down Marina Bay or even the wanna-be-Miami-roof-deck of Alba’s, where do I find my knight in shining armor?”. And if you’re a guy you’re probably asking yourself: “Where will I pick up the next round of hunnies if they ain’t showin up to S6?”

The answer: take the unconventional route.

Some of my favorite SLS’s (Single Lady Spots):

-Home Depot
-The Gym (this does not apply to Planet Fitness. Please get yourself a free 3 day trial to Equinox and then take me up on this suggestion)
-Stop & Shop on a Wednesday after 7pm (especially the deli. However avoid the guys buying non-Boar’s Head. If he likes cheap meat he probably likes cheap women)
-Sports Bars (especially on game night!)
-Golf Courses/Country Clubs

We all have those down-in-the-dumps “I hate being single” days…so why not pick yourself off and head to Home Depot and find a DIY project that sparks your interest. Ladies, the men of Home Depot love nothing more than seeing a put together girl checking out paint charts, 4×4’s and light switch covers. The staff is literally standing there in their orange smocks waiting to compliment you and the men shopping at Home Depot are constantly checking you out. However, one time I did have a creep follow me out and ask for my number in the parking lot. Ummm, no thanks. Another time, I rented a steam vac which a lovely Asian man gave me a tutorial about but it proceeded to ruin my $1k suede sectional. So, proceed with caution.

Wednesdays are my favorite nights at any grocery store. The deli doubles as a real life meat market. Dress if your best yoga attire (and by this I mean invest in a nice pair of Lululemons, don’t rock your 2002 Juicy Couture terrycloth pants or even worse, your Victoria Secret PINK pants…you wonder why you’re still single.) Every bachelor/ette does their shopping on Wednesday nights. It’s right before the weekend and it’s a great way to stock up on hump day. It’s amazing how many men come right from the gym to the grocery store…HOT! It’s an amazing time to shop. Oh and ladies, if you don’t choose to go in yoga attire….a pair of flats, a JCrew blouse, a pair of well fitting jeans will do the trick. Maybe even put a blazer on and look even more professional!

Sports Bars, Golf Courses and Country Clubs can be a hard place to navigate. Sure sports seasons come and go but you know who never goes? Those annoying girls in pink Patriots, Celtics, and Red Sox attire. You look like you’re 11, so stop thinking this is acceptable/attractive! And if your baseball hat is bedazzled, you might as well just remain single for the rest of your life. My advice to you is to brush up on sports and look like a truly educated sports fan (I keep every sports schedule of each season on my fridge).  Know who is playing and when. You don’t need to know the difference between a fumble and a foul ball but at least know a few of the players. Have your dad and guy friends keep you in the loop with this information! Do not go to the bar with a group of your girlfriends during sports games. You’ll be the annoying girls at the bar and therefore unapproachable. Do however choose ONE of your closest and go to a nice sports bar. Little make up, nice outfit and easy on the perfume. Rmember: NO PINK SPORTS ATTIRE! Throw on some skinnies, a white tee, some flats and BOOM! American Apparel and H&M have amazing hoodies, too (FYI). Most importantly, be down to earth. Monday Night Football will help you get through cold weather months and get you out of a rut.

And FINALLY,

Find any golf course that has a public restaurant and bar. Need I say more? Hunnies, hunnies, hunnies!

Follow my advice and I promise that you will be thanking me later!

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