Good morning! Today I want to talk about revenge, and how to seek it. Because revenge is a crucial part of life. You might be one of those optimistic people who say “I don’t seek revenge, karma will bite my enemies in the ass someday”. Well, you need to stop being so optimistic and be more of a pessimistic, revenge-seeking psychopath. Because this thing you call “karma”, it doesn’t exist. It’s just something that people say to you to make you feel better when someone has fucked you over. “I’m sorry to hear your dad left your family and doesn’t love you, but karma will catch up with him”. No, it won’t. Your dad is just a dick and will probably live a fulfilling life spending your child support at Foxwoods and Sully’s. And if you think him shitting himself at age 93 is that “karma” everyone spoke of, well…you’re wrong. Because old people shit themselves all the time. Maybe you think that his karma consists of living a life without the ability to love. But you’re wrong again. He loves his dog. And if he doesn’t have a dog, he loves himself. And he’s obviously so selfish that he just doesn’t care about his lack of a heart. So just accept the fact that you need to seek revenge in life and stop talking about this “karma” bullshit. Besides, it’ll be funny and make for a good story to tell your ungrateful grandchildren someday. You might think that seeking revenge is a blow to your character. But I say that character flaws are sometimes funny. Here is a list of scenarios and the appropriate way to get revenge on those who screw you over:
Your boyfriend/girlfriend cheated on you: Send a text to your ex’s mom or dad saying “Can you believe that [insert douche's name here] got that hoe pregnant AND gave her the clap!?” Then your ex’s mom or dad will respond “This is actually [douche's] dad, Molly”, to which you should reply: “OMG I am soo sorry! I’m just really upset and wasn’t thinking straight. I meant to text a friend!”. Or pull a Mean Girls and leave an urgent message pretending to be a nurse from Planned Parenthood on cheating douche’s parent’s home answering machine. Bologna on his/her car to rub the paint off is juvenile. Do something that will really make him/her feel really awkward/low by involving their parentals. Then leave a nicely wrapped bag of dog shit on their front door, light that bag on fire (see Billy Madison).
Your coworker sucks: You have a shitty coworker who is always trying to compete with you and throw you under the bus. Or your coworker is lazy and leaves all the work for you and then takes credit. Either way, your coworker sucks. So here’s what to do: When your coworker is walking in front of you on the street, literally throw him/her under a bus. Like, physically push them with strong force and say “OMG I am SO clumsy!” while he/she is busy being decapitated by the bus’s tire. Just kidding. That’s murder, and I don’t condone that. Just kill your coworker with kindness and purposely order them decaf when you go out for a coffee run. Yeah, hope you’re tired. Bitch.
Your ex’s new boo is being a smug douchebag: You find yourself in the unfortunate situation of meeting your ex’s new boo. You’re over your ex because you’re as fierce as Beyonce (okay, you ARE Beyonce, if Beyonce was as white as your pale ass), and your ex reminds you of the lowest point in your life that you never want to revisit because you’re too good for that shit. But your ex’s new girl/guy/farm animal is being smug and you feel the urge to put him/her in his/her place. Be nice. Don’t be stand-offish just because he/she is utilizing your sloppy seconds and loving every second of it. Get to talking! Humor him/her, agree that their relationship is totally adorable. Let it “slip” that your ex is a douche by saying “Yeah, I mean despite what he/she did to me that night in the basement with that girl and his friend, one after another, deep down he/she is REALLY a good guy/girl and I’m so happy to see him/her happy again! You guys are so cute together & I hope your honeymoon stage surpasses the one month mark!”. Because if you and your ex ended on bad terms, he/she probably left out the details of your breakup/the time him/her took a part in a “train”. Afterwards, walk away, move on, never speak to either one of them again, and be merry!!!
Your biological parents don’t love you: Um, a parent’s love is supposed to be unconditional. So this is just totally not cool. So what you do is, you hire the sexy green room decoy from the Maury show. Pay her to seduce your dad. Make sure you have hidden cameras while the seduction goes down. Then purchase a t-shirt that says “Proud to be a [insert your last name]!” Maybe have your cote of arms printed on the shirt. Wear the shirt to your annual family reunion, then tell your parents you have a special surprise for them. Find a projector, then play the sexy decoy tape in front of your entire extended family and destroy your parent’s marriage, all the while wearing your family pride shirt. LOL!
You get mugged by pocket knife wielding thugs: Kick the mugger thug in the balls while screaming “WU TANG!” as loudly as you can. Obviously. You need to show that thug that you are ready to get down to business to defeat the Hun. Then run away really fast because thugs have nothing to lose, they’ve got street cred to live up to, or some shit. I don’t know. But if the cops come to help you, lie in the police report and say that the mugger-thug touched your thigh sexually while said mugging occurred, so maybe they can be featured in the Metro as a creeper and get dubbed a level 1.
Okay, so I hope you’ll follow my advice and start seeking revenge today! And if you ever feel like adding extra salt in the wound of those jerks who messed with you, you could always create a blog and then blog about your experiences. Though none of the shit mentioned above is shit I’ve actually partaken in, I have blogged about my own real life experiences and it severely annoys the people who have wronged me (see “Bitches Part 1″ and “Bitches Part 2″ and “I’m Really Mad At Rider Strong” for further reference). Sure people will call you a “vengeful bitch” or a “spiteful ass clown”, but at least their not calling you fat or ugly, so who cares? Your ugly character is just hiding your bad physical traits! And don’t forget that nothing is more delightful than annoying people who fucking suck.
DISCLAIMER: This shouldn’t be taken seriously. I am the biggest idiot I know.