Everyone loves summertime. And if they don’t, they are probably mailmen. I love summer. What is there to hate about hot weather, the beach, summer romance and other bullshit like that? Well, I’ll tell you the things about summer that fucking suck. Because that’s what I do, I bitch about even the best things, like summer. No, but really, here is a list of shit that I’m sure everyone hates about summah summah summah tiiime. Even Will Smith.
- Ugly feet: Is there anything more disturbing than getting a glimpse of a pair of nasty ass feet? Like, people who don’t clip their toenails or have abnormally long toes. We see this shit all the time during the summer. At least these mutants can cover up their abnormalities during the other seasons. But in the summer they want to get the most out of their Old Navy $1 deal flip flops. Never seen them? Well, one of my Facebook friends uploaded the horror they encountered the other day onto Facebook: Lady. Please. Put them back into the patent leather Payless show. Or tuck them into your mom jeans. They’re literally crusty. Deplorable. Almost as deplorable as Lara Flynn Boyle’s alarmingly long red carpet toe:
- Vehicle thermostat uploads: Why does almost every female who has a Facebook or Twitter insist on uploading pictures of their car’s thermostat? We know it’s hot as balls outside. We don’t need to know what your Windstar’s thermometer reads. Not Harvey Leonard. And Harvey Leonard probably doesn’t drive a minivan. So get back to Kidz Bop 57 and drive.
- Laying down bikini uploads: Speaking of uploading annoying pictures….we know, you are hot. Or maybe taking a picture of yourself from your chest down, as you are laying on your beach towel , is just a really flattering angle. Okay, so you got a tan. How unique you are?!?! Listen, I don’t say this out of jealousy of girls who do this who have great bodies…all the power to them and if you’ve got it, flaunt it (doing so on the internet is a little weird to me, but whatever floats their boat). I just don’t understand, why this angle all the time? I sign in and get 550 pictures in my newsfeed of girls bodies from their boobies down to their feet. Sometimes there is a fancy drink in their hand or a beer can on their belly. But these kind of pictures are especially perplexing if the chick who does it has ugly feet…
- Swass: People get more swass in the summertime. And it smells. Maybe you don’t notice the swassy smells of summer, but I ride the T. So I notice it more than usual. I wish people with chronic swass would get some clinical strength deodorant and put it in their cracks before riding public transportation.
- Leather: It burns your bum in the hot weather when you sit on it. I imagine this is a trigger for people with chronic swass. And then swassy people slide around on the leather and it’s gross. And if you try to prevent your bum from getting burnt from leather, and you put towels down before you sit, then your car or couch looks ghetto. And you don’t want to look ghetto, do you?
- Sunburns…obviously: Yeah, nobody likes getting a sunburn. But probably the most annoying thing in the world is when pale people don’t realize that they do not tan and will say things like “Oh this is just a slight burn that serves as a base for my skin to start the tanning process.” Then they go to the beach and don’t put on any SPF and get third degree burns an hour in. It’s like, you know that you don’t tan. Give up the fucking act and put on some sunblock before you die/get melanoma. Another annoying thing about sunburns is when you get one, people ask if you put sunblock on and act all shocked. I don’t really get severe burns because I’m not one of those asshats who are in denial of their skin tone, so I block up. But even the slightest pink color on my skin causes every darker skinned person who comes into contact with me to act completely alarmed. They ask where my aloe is, and if it hurts and blah blah blah. I always feel like they are being smug by acting like my sunburn is worse than Darfur. I get it, you tan. But skin cancer doesn’t discriminate, dumbshit. Especially disturbing are the people you see at the beach who lay on the beach wall all fucking day and their skin actually looks like the brown leather couch you burned your ass on. Calm down, Mr. Melanoma. Take a break from the rays to like, eat or something.
Other than these few things, summertime is great. Especially because of Ninja Turtle ice cream straight from the truck. But we like to complain about awesome seasons while we are in the midst of them, and then winter comes along and we are REALLY fucked.