While it’s hot as balls, and I sit in a cool building in the middle of Chinatown on my lunch break, I can’t help but thank fucking God I am not at Water Country. It’s a place that I will never understand and will never bring my children to (my children are plants and they can’t be over-watered or they’ll die). The last time I was at Water Country, I was nearly killed. Okay, so that’s a lie. But the last time I was there I was like 11 years old and didn’t give a fuck about anything except fun, and Zac Hanson. I was so preoccupied back then that I had no way of knowing the horrors going on around me in this water filled hellhole. Do you know what Water Country IS? Do you?!?!?!?! Water Country is not the H20 heaven that it’s commercials make it out to be. First of all, it’s not even a country. Second of all, it’s in New Hampshire and the only thing good about New Hampshire is discounted liquor, and what are we poor or something? We can afford our alcohol and if we can’t we can just drink Steel Reserve. Third of all, Water Country isn’t actually filled with water. It’s filled with something far more sinister. It’s filled with…gulp…pee.
That’s right. Water Country AKA Urine Town is filled with pee. Who’s pee, you might ask? Could be anyone’s. When you are going down those water slides, you should maybe stop and think as that liquid is going up your nostrils. Remember that 7 year old bitch ass ahead of you in line who was back talkin’ his mom before he slid on down? Yeah, it’s HIS pee. Or maybe it’s his mom’s pee. I don’t know. But just about anyone could be peeing into that water, and you’re just sliding right into it as you shriek in delight that this “fun” is bringing you. It could even be your own FAMILY that is peeing everywhere. So be wary of who you are sharing a 5 man raft ride with. And don’t even get me started on the lazy river and the wave pool. First of all, who are they callin’ lazy? Kind of rude, right? Second of all, those tubes everyone is floating around in are just hiding the yellow warm spots around these people. And at Water Country, the scariest thing is that EVERY area is a warm spot. Because the pee is everywhere. Even out of the water there is dried pee all over the place. You’re just stepping all over it and trust me, flip flops can’t save you. Those have pee on them, too.
So next time you’re in New Hampshire on a shitty poor person vacation, like my family used to do, maybe you should reconsider and go to Storyland or Funspot instead. There is far less pee.
Disclaimer: I like New Hampshire. I like to live free, not die.