Why do women hate other women? I think I’ve touched on this topic before, but it’s something I see all the time so I wanted to go deeper into it after attending a women’s empowerment seminar yesterday for work. And I don’t intend for this to be a feminist rant screaming for you to do as I say in the name of girl power. Just want us girls to consider a few things.
Have you ever found yourself hating a female you just met (or even just someone in the same room as you that you haven’t met) based on something completely STUPID? For example, you are out with friends and spot a girl in dress that you LOVED but didn’t buy because you thought it made you look like Rosie O’Donnell? And this girl is killin’ it wearing YOUR dress? Instantly you think to yourself “Well, look at her! She think she cute! Well La dida! She ain’t ish!” . Or maybe you are talking to a girl who is a mutual friend of another friend of yours and just making small talk and getting to know her, only to find out she has a hot boyfriend, a Master’s degree, just bought a house, awesome job, the metabolism of a 7 year old, and has never heard of Spanx, let alone owned a pair. She’s got it all. You probably find yourself thinking, “She think she’s Miss THANG! Aww hell nawwww! I’ma finna give her a look!”. Or maybe you don’t think in ebonics like I do when I’m being a hater. I don’t know what you are thinking, but I know that you are lying if you are a female who has never hated on another female for something trivial.
My boyfriend has told me before that he’s noticed that most girls he knows don’t get dressed up when they go out seeking attention from guys. Most girls get dressed up for other girls. No, he’s not saying that most girls are lesbians. What it means is that a lot of girls get dressed up to impress other girls. Let’s face it: girls check each other out (not in a sexual way, for all you perverts out there!). Maybe this is a competition thing. Kind of like that ridiculous saying from Paris Hilton “Always look twice as good as the b*tch standing next to you”, or something along those (really dumb) lines. Guys compete in sports and at the office and while playing Call of Duty with 11 year old boys with potty mouths. Girls feel the need to compete when it comes to looks. It’s not our fault, it’s how we were socialized. And it’s easy to feel inadequate and jealous when nowadays it IS possible for a girl to “have it all”: looks, brains, the guy, money, the family. We view other women as a threat. And women who have something that we don’t have, be it a pair of amazing shoes, serve as a reminder of the things that we want to have. Or the things that we want to be. It’s enough to drive us to drink (everyday).
The worst part of this “hating” thing we’ve been socialized to do is that we don’t see this only in strangers…we see it in FRIENDS! One of my girlfriends was just telling me that recently she was out with a girlfriend she hadn’t seen in a long time. My friend was excited, as she gets a long GREAT with this girl. Both my friend and her friend are single. On this particular evening out, both were eye’ing the same guy. He was going back and forth with them, flirting with both. Ultimately, he chose to direct his focus from friend to her friend, who now saw my friend as threat, as she knew this guy had potential to switch back at anytime. She had already allowed him to make a switch the first time. Because she was seeing my friend in a threatening way, she threw a few catty comments at my friend in front of the guy. My friend stuck up for herself, but she felt her friend was trying to belittle her to impress this guy. They had JUST met this guy THAT night. It didn’t matter that they had years of friendship behind them. Pretty upsetting, right?! I mean, you would think that if you were in the same position as my friend, that your friend would tell the guy “See ya later, BRO!”. But if you add in some alcohol, okay probably a lot of alcohol, to this story…you might start to remember a time this happened to you. Or that you did this yourself (maybe without realizing that you were doing it!).
I know my blogs are just a bunch of nonsense compiled into sentences on WordPress.com, and it’s difficult to hear what I am trying to say in the same voice a persuasive motivational speaker would have (probably because you are reading, not technically listening). I don’t think I can change anyone’s thought processes, I’m not that smug and can barely change my own way of thinking most of the time. That takes work! But I hope that maybe you’ll consider what I’m saying and stop yourself next time you find yourself hating on someone for something silly. And I’ll tell you why: Because we are hating on those females for stupid reasons because we are seeing something in them that we want for ourselves. As trivial as a 30 dollar dress from Marshall’s is, we want to wear it without feeling insecure. And we want the awesome boyfriend, a house, the insane metabolism, and the chance to not need Spanx. I guess what it boils down to is…dun dun dun…jealousy. No female ever wants to admit to feeling jealous, ever. It’s perceived as a sign of weakness. But come on ladies! Let’s be real, it’s one of the most common human emotions. Own it and get over it.
So how about instead of being a hater, which is a word NO ONE wants attached to them, why don’t we try to catch ourselves when we are thinking negative things about another female? And obviously before saying what we are thinking. Because we all know that when we hear someone diss another female for her appearance, that it sounds kind of like a wee little bit of jealousy. Next time you find yourself mentally damning a good looking and successful female to hell, try to remember that as women we are all insecure sometimes and hating on each other only pushes the cycle of this kind of socialization. Society pits women against other women, and then we reinforce this kind of behavior by bashing other women instead of lifting them up. And that’s why we hear other females saying “I’m friends with mostly guys because I don’t trust women as much as I trust men”. We don’t usually hear men saying this. Men will literally fist fight, and take part in pissing contests, then be giving each other daps 5 minutes later while proclaiming the “Bro’s before Hoes!” protocol. It’s sad that women can’t support each other. So to any female reading this: let’s stop the madness, and stop ourselves when we find ourselves judging someone, and create a sisterhood! Then we can all watch Lifetime movies together and eat ice cream and play “Who Would You Rather” and do other stereotypical stuff! And we can do this stuff without any hating. Unless you’re with a female who is sporting a jean suit. In which case you can gently tell her to stop that.