Okay, so this topic was obviously shot and killed awhile ago. But annoying things just keeps poppin’ up on the social media site and I have to vent to someone…so why not make it you (whoever you are)?
- The Chronic Liker: This is the person who clicks “like” on literally everything and anything. I could put up a status that says, “Helping a friend throw her fetus into a dumpster in West Quincy, then getting breakfast!” and the chronic liker would “like” it. Legit though, the liker will like the most random stuff on your Facebook, including every single check in, and pictures from 2005. Just getting a notification from the chronic liker will give you an eery feeling that you are being stalked. But you can’t call this “creepy”, you signed up for it
- The Inspirational Quoter: That Facebook friend who status updates you with quotes such as “The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams!” or really anything with “Live Love Laugh” in it. In their spare time, they like to discuss good karma they feel entitled to because of that time they gave that homeless drunk guy at Downtown Crossing a dollar. Usually the Inspiration Quoter is the same person who makes terrible life decisions while listening to the song “Unwritten” by Natasha Bedingfield. Not Maya Angelou.
- The Potential Political Suicide Bomber: This is the guy who is always posting articles supporting extreme political views that no one reads out of fear to find out what this guy’s leisurely reading material is. Like maybe he is a tea party advocate who tells us every day five times a day that Obama is a socialist. Okay, guy, we get it, you hate Obama and thinks he is going to fuck the country up even more than it already is. But you probably ride around town drunk in a beat up pick up truck with giant Romney billboards, blaring country music, and for that, you are automatically crazy. Please don’t kill us.
- The Pampered Princess of Food Stamps: The Potential Political Suicide Bomber generally leans to the right. Now let me be fair and talk about the other side by talking about the Pampered Princess of Food Stamps. This is the girl you went to high school with who has since had 3 kids, never worked a day in her life (okay, maybe she babysits once in awhile, give her some cred!), and never fails to update us on her financial situation. She checks in to the WIC office, then asks via status update if anyone would be willing to trade cash for food stamps. Then she gets a manicure or goes tanning or gets her hair highlighted. Um. Something sounds off. I haven’t gotten a fucking manicure since prom (okay, that’s just because I’m cheap and bite my nails anyway, can’t lie), but still – if you’re going to check into the office where you are getting free money from the taxpayers for food, please don’t check into Fashion Nails 30 minutes later. Not knockin’ government programs like WIC, it’s helpful and some people really need it. Just saying there is nothing more obnoxious than bragging about all the pampering from your Boost Mobile. It’s tacky/trashy/infuriating.
- Sorry for just uploading that Ecard above, because Ecards are annoying, too. Stop uploading them and saying “This is SOOO me and all my friends!“. It’s so you and everyone’s friends. Ecards are topical and that’s why they are funny. We get it, we relate. Read them, laugh on the inside, stop uploading them all the time.
- The App Enthusiast: What is a birthday request invite? Are you inviting me to praise you for being alive another year in more ways than saying “happy birthday!” on your Facebook wall? Not gonna happen. Oh and PS: I don’t care if virtual Enrique Iglesias is performing at a concert in your city that isn’t real, I’m not playing Cityville. Back up off me with these app invites, I’m trying to play The Sims.
- The Smug Assumer: They are so vain, they probably think your status is about them. And they confront you about it with an inbox message or a phone call or a text. And you awkwardly tell them it’s about your dog and to stop assuming. And even if they don’t think the status is about them, they always think you’re dead serious. Like you could put a quote from Stepbrothers as your status and this person will comment under it: “Oh my God who put their balls on your drum set?! SO GROSS! You should like sue them for like, lewdness or whatever!”.
- The Vom Inducing Shared Profile: Um, as if you don’t brag about your boyfriend/girlfriend enough, you go ahead and create a joint Facebook account. What the? How do we know who we are talking to? I got a request by a joint Facebook account a few years ago from a “Melissa & Hannah” (names changed to protect the annoying). Obviously I was confused, as I had never heard of couples doing something so obnoxious. After I looked through the profile pictures, I realized it was the Facebook of a girl I’d known in middle school who was now dating a girl named Melissa. And they would signed their names under every comment they left, so their friends would know who they were conversing with. It was all just way too much to take in. Trust each other much? And while we are on the subject of couples sharing a social media account, I saw this on LinkedIn today. How does that even work?! Are they Siamese twins? Do they want to share a job? At least they have “works well with others” to throw on their resume. I guess?
Geez, social media sure does bring out the annoying in people.