So today some guy who looks like Kevin Federline at his heaviest, got angry at one of my posts and called me fat. He told me to go eat ice cream to make myself feel better. This is especially frustrating to me not only because I’m not fat (I’m not skinny, but I’m fo’ sho NOT fat), but also because I’m not that stereotype of a girl who eats ice cream to feel better. I like comfort foods when I want to feel better! And chips! And booze! Now it’s not often that I am called fat (to my face), maybe once a decade, so I just kind of laughed it off. But for the sake of pageviews, I tried to make a video of what someone should do if they are called “fat”. Well, as it turns out, my computer sucks shit and so don’t I, because I couldn’t get it to upload to Youtube without getting an error message. After 5 minutes of half-assed attempts, I took screenshots instead. I give you permission to use these slides as an instructional guide to getting through your rainy Monday, after you’ve been called fat. You know, if that situation ever arises. Remember: “fat” is the default insult that ignorant people use when they have nothing else to say to you, and have no legitimate argument to prove this as all of your pictures on your blog’s Facebook are a shitty attempt at obscure so that strangers can’t figure out what you look like and try to murder you in the parking lot of you apartment building! So people who get called fat, try not to get too discouraged when someone puts you down, do what I tell you to do instead:
1. Wear your hair like this. Try out the “rat’s nest” look. You can get this look by not brushing your hair. It will make you feel the part of “slob”, which is how fat K-fed or someone of equal douchiness may have made you feel on the inside.
2. Eat macaroni and cheese from the pot. Annie’s is best because it’s organic, so it tricks you into thinking that you’re a little bit healthy, and not a total fat ass. Just fat ass enough to eat straight from the pot.
4. Wash the food down: With beer. Make sure it’s light beer. And make sure it’s barely 4pm on a Monday afternoon when you’re alone in your apartment and your parakeet is watching/judging you, so that you get that full Bridget Jones rock bottom effect. Make sure you drink from a bottle, and take a picture while you do, so that you can give haters the opportunity to photoshop the bottle into something else! Nothing like a little self destruction to top of your already shitty day!
5. Say “fuck you!” to said haters: And take a picture while you do, so that when you look at the picture, you’ll be reminded that the only thing fat about you is the FAT ASS ROCK on your finger, and that real men exist, and they aren’t acting tough by calling girls fat on the internet! Or if you are not taken, just look at yourself in the picture and say, “Hey, I’m not fat or ugly or whatever I was called. I’m BEYONCE! No, I’m BETTER than Beyonce!”. And Beyonce can find a man any day of the week, she just wanted the right one. Because seriously, what kind of a man talks shit to a girl on the internet? Or in real life?! Not Jay-Z.
6. Eat more macaroni and cheese: Once you remember that you shouldn’t care about what a guy who looks like post Britney Spears divorce K-Fed, or ANYONE, says about you, keep eating the mac and cheese. Because it doesn’t matter how old you are, mac and cheese is fucking GOOD and everyone deserves to have it in their lives!
Fo’ real though, thankfully I am not someone who gets upset every single time I am called a name. If I did, I would be upset numerous times a day while scrolling through comments on my blog. This guy calling me fat was just the perfect opportunity for me to bring up this subject of pressure girls have to be thin. I’ve wanted to blog it but no light bulbs turned on to get me typing. I was more than kind of disturbed at what this guy’s idea of “fat” was. Honestly, 90% of me thinks that this situation in particular was this guy being straight up stupid and having nothing else to say to me. But there are a zillion people in society that have warped perceptions of “fat”. The demographic affected by this, obviously, are young girls. I feel so bad for the young girls of this generation. They are in this fucking pressure cooker! The crazy thing is that most guys prefer curves! And I’m not just saying this as a girl who got called fat this one time and wants to believe this is a fact. It’s legit!
It makes me sad that girls get a complex about their weight so early on. I’d never want to be a teenager again, not during current time! Shit is scary out there…good luck to all you younger girls out there. Put on your helmets because society wants to hit you in the head with giant sticks. You got this!