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Moms Are Full Of Shit (sometimes)

8 May

Don’t get offended about the title to this blog, moms. Get offended about everything else I’m about to say instead. When I say moms are full of shit, I just mean they are full of shit when you are in elementary through high school and they tell you that things will blow over in time. No moms, things won’t blow over. Because guess what? I am 26 years old and I still remember the kid who ate boogers in the first grade (as well as the one who ate them in the 2nd-5th grade and his nickname was Shnots), the boy and girl who got lice in 4th grade (the boy got excited because he was pumped to go home, but I think he was just trying to save face), the boy who ate glue (he was the same boy who ate boogers from 2nd-5th grade and he would just take the cap off the Elmer’s and chug like a freshman pledging into a fraternity), the girl who ruined the Spring concert because she left milk in her locker until it spoiled and made the entire hallway at Beechwood Knoll smell like a 3 day old corpse (I was actually friends with this girl back then and still am. I like to remind her that I still remember by blogging about it), the boy who ate 25 plus fruit cups in the first grade then puked them up causing our teacher to hold an emergency class meeting to discuss proper nutrition, the kid who changed the lyrics to “I believe I can fly, I believe I’m a gay guy!” and almost got suspended in 4th grade, the class tattle tale (“no one likes a fink!”, my dad used to say), the boy whose eyebrows got singed off when cooking SpaghettiOs, the kid who took a shit in the neighbor’s backyard (true story – a boy in my neighborhood dropped a dook right behind my neighbor’s playhouse then acted like nothing happened), the girl who got punched in the face (me), and finally: the girl who got hit by a car outside McDonald’s after the semi dance in 11th grade and got road rash all over her body (that was me – ask Palumbo, he was there).

I’m 26 and I remember the nose pickers, the lice enthusiasts, the glue chuggers, and the fruit cups boy over a decade later. College doesn’t define us. The time we farted during music class in 1993 defines us. I’m 26 and people still run into me and say “Hey, didn’t you get hit by a car outside McDonald’s?” and “Hey, didn’t you get punched in the face?”. So moms, you can bullshit all you want to make us feel better when we are young and  puke in the middle of Show and Tell and the janitor puts saw dust all over our desk, but just know that you are full of shit. We remember. Just yesterday a friend of mine since first grade texted me to say she had seen someone we had gone to school with on the train and we both texted eachother at the same time “Remember the time he had lice and was excited?”.

Your concern is endearing moms, but we remember. lice

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#90sGirlProblems

30 Apr

So I was babysitting this weekend and watched Rugrats at the ass crack of dawn because the rugrat I was babysitting is really into it right now. At first I felt nostalgic and wanted to go to Icecream Mountain (and by “go to Icecream Mountain” I mean drop acid and eat a pint of Ben and Jerry’s). Then I felt psychotic because Stu Pickles’s pants were so flooded that I had to physically leave the room.

stuIt was almost as bad as that time Doug Funnie wore a three quarter length shirt under his sweater vest. This time period has a direct correlation with me having my first drink.

dougI mean, does caring about the poor fashion choices of 90′s cartoons make me a bitch? Could my name really be…Ashley?

ashley

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Early 20′s Versus Late 20′s

23 Apr

Buzzfeed recently came out with this list of differences between life in your early 20′s versus life in your late 20′s. I can’t say I disagree with most of it, but I want to add in and call bullshit on a few things since, you know, I’m an old woman now after turning 26 this month. PS: Anyone in their 20′s every notice how angry people in their early 30′s get when you call yourself old? I know I’m not really old, I’m just saying it because I feel like a 16 year old girl trapped in a 26 year old’s body. And because I’m full of shit. But really, early 30′s isn’t old either, only a few years older than me. The only thing separating us besides time is that I watched Mary Kate and Ashley detective videos and they missed out. I  don’t know what they get so pissy about…

So here is my comparison of life in my early 20′s versus life in my late 20′s (“late 20′s” used loosely because I’m more mid-20′s ;) )

The morning after drinking

Early 20′s: My life was a joke. My idea of “early” was 10am. If I put myself in an 8am class in college, I’d immediately drop it and brush it off as a brief moment of insanity while applying for classes while intoxicated. Then I would get drunk to celebrate my sudden clarity. I proceeded to do this for 4 years. Maybe 5. Okay, 6.

Late 20′s: My day starts at 6:30am and ends between 7 and 9pm.  So excuse me if you think I’m a grandma for only getting moderately shitfaced until no later than 10:30pm on a week night. I just refuse to puke in a bathroom at my place of employment for self -inflicted reasons.

Someone was gossiping about me:

Early 20′s: I cared and cried about it and confronted whoever was doing it and let it go way too easily.

Late 20′s: I still care if it’s someone I thought was a friend, but I have an easier time accepting that they are an asshole. I have also started telling people who partake in this behavior that they should pound sand and never speak to me again. (No lie, I told this chick a few weeks ago to kick rocks). Then I blog about them.

Clubbing

Early 20′s: I didn’t like clubbing because I don’t like sweaty strangers and their boners poking my hip. To make matters worse, I’d lost all my Asian club-drug lord connects back in 2003ish, and Molly hadn’t hit the scene yet. Plus I’m awkward so I preferred to sit or stand in a bar instead of attempting to sway. All solid reasons to oppose clubbing. But I  would go anyways and experience extreme agitation while throwing out a lot of nasty looks at guys for poking their sweaty boners in my general direction.

Late 20′s: I still don’t like the boners of sweaty strangers poking my hip, and I’m still awkward, so I prefer to sit or stand in a bar. Only difference is now I’m giving girls in their early 20′s nasty looks for wearing neon crop tops with tassles all over the place and cheap plastic rainbow jewelry. We get it, you’re into club drugs. But if you’re going  to take them, go to a club and get away from me while I awkwardly stand at a bar.

Eating

Early 20′s: Fast food, Ramen, and taco/nacho/corndog day at Tilly (for all you Bridgewater State Alum), all day, every day, no regrets.

Late 20′s: Put it this way, I ate a small fry from McDonald’s late night last weekend for the first time in about 8 months and I still want to kill myself. I refer to it in my own mind as “that dark time in my life last week”, and when I think about it for too long, I can smell the McDonald’s burning through my nostrils.

Staying in

Early 20′s: These thoughts would run through my head if I stayed in:  “What am I missing?!” “I can’t stay in on a weekend/Tipsy Tuesday/Wasted Wednesday/Thirsty Thursday!”

Late 20′s: These thoughts run through my head when I stay in:  “THANK GOD.” “Anyone know any shows I can get into next on Netflix?!” “Taco night at my place, all two of you are invited! Bring Scrabble if you have it and I’ll even let you smoke a cigarette outside my bathroom window!”

Being dumped

Early 20′s: Eh, I was only with you because I was bored. Chump.

Late 20′s: I’m going to be a cat lady who spends her time watching conspiracy theory documentaries on Netflix.

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Ode To Quincy

28 Mar

A guest blog from someone who might be familiar to you if you are an avid Patriot Ledger online reader. Enjoy!

q

First off let me preface that I’m not a Quincy native. I grew up on the mean streets of Hingham. Luckily, I was able to spend a large amount of time of my high school years with friends in North Quincy.  I was constantly thinking why drink in the woods of Hingham only to get chased through pricker bushes?  In Quincy, the police, both local and state, police are more concerned with making sure everyone gets home safe than ruining a teenager’s life. Thus my love affair with Quincy was born.

After college, I returned to Quincy with my new bride. We lived in an apartment on Vassal St for two years, did a forgettable stint in Weymouth and have spent the past 7 years in Norfolk Downs.

Quincy offers a fantastic alternative for city living. As a Hingham native, Southie presented itself as a desirable area, but was too much of a high school reunion, complete with Hingham transplant rental prices.  Quincy has been a great option for a young couple. The commute to Boston is less than 10 miles.  The convenience factor for just about everything is off the charts. Where else can you get three massages, your nails done twice, General Tsao’s chicken, a Brigham’s ice cream cone and a Chinese wedding dress all within 100 yards? Quincy has some of the best and most diverse dining options on the South Shore. Two words: Fat Cat.  Only in Quincy do the drive-through windows at McDonald’s speak drunken gibberish. “You want piztha? Sir, this is McDonalds”. Quincy also is home to some hidden gems. Everyone remembers  the first time they stumbled into Paddy Barry’s after a couple of cocktails and discovered the “best Irish music ever” or the first time they went to the Cathay Pacific lounge, an 80s time warp full with bandleaders sporting Michael Jackson glove and people at the bar are wearing jean jackets to match their  IROC out front.  Coffee Break café, you will be missed.

After 10 total years in Quincy including the better part of our twenties and early thirties, it’s time to move on. I’ve been reflecting on the good, bad and the in-between and the crossroads Quincy is at as city. Some of the stories are from different phases in our life. Gone are the days of Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights drinking “knoxie specials” (3.9 parts rum .1 part coke) at Murphy’s.  Gone are the days of 8am World Cup shenanigans at Bad Abbotts, Ups and Downs for last call and the BeachComba. Now are the days of Bright Horizons, Campus Kinder Haus, Gymboree and take-out at Grumpy’s.

After some immersion, one of the greatest things you learn about Quincy is what you’d call “Old School Quincy”.  Old School Quincy seems to be something is passed down through generations, a feeling of pride in your neighborhood and community.  In my short time in Quincy, I feel like I was taught much of these courtesies and experiences from my friends and their families.  What’s sad is that in our short time in Quincy we’re seeing this old school attitude fading off into the sunset   I’m seeing it from not just new Quincy transplants but also from the younger generation of Old School families.  Old School doesn’t just mean Irish or Italian descent. Many of my Asian neighbors are as “Old School” as it gets.  They take tremendous pride in their houses and their neighborhood. They give you the same old school wave and watch out for the neighborhood they’ve worked so hard to move into.

Old School ideas are common courtesies like waiting 30 seconds for a car to pass on a very tight street instead of trying to bull your way through with 1 inch to spare between your respective mirrors.  Old school is giving a nice wave from the person for actually waiting a minute.

Old school is my mailman, who is a better security system than ADT. He’ll tell you who’s away on vacation, who’s having a baby and who has the nicest lawn in the neighborhood (thank you very much).  He’ll tell you that you’re buying too much stuff online because he has to keep delivering you 30 catalogs.  He’s a walking talking Farmer’s Almanac.  “Crocuses are up today, 2 more weeks until Spring.” He probably knows who is sleeping with whom, but won’t tell if you asked, because, well, he is Old School.

Old School is having a 50 year old neighbor named Sully.  Sully works for the State.  He has 8 months of vacation time and 4 months of sick time.  He’s great for little known career advice, such as if you are ever in the vicinity (3 miles) of a shooting while working  in Roxbury , you can put in for emotional distress and get short term disability, which is a great excuse to drink for two weeks straight.  While away on vacation, Sully will make sure to watch your house. He’ll even take the liberty of removing your American flag and replacing it with a rainbow flag for the weekend.

Old school was learning that it’s encouraged to shovel snow into the street because the plows take care of it.  Old School is not needing to put out cones in front of your house after you spent 8 hours digging out your car from the snow. It’s common courtesy not to park in your neighbor’s spot.  The last two years I’ve noticed cones and chairs, a Southie phenomenon, now making an appearance in Quincy.  It’s about respect.

Old School is getting into a fender bender with your neighbor’s parked car at 3am,  and leaving a note to  laugh about the next day. No police are called.

Sadly, in my short time in Quincy, I’m seeing a lot of “New School”.

New School is the first time you started listening to the Quincy police scanner because there were State Police helicopters over your house.

New School is having multiple shootings in a short period of time at North Quincy high school.

New School is having my cars broken into twice.

New School is having a meth lab down the street.

New School is having to pick up my wife at the T because I’m afraid of her walking home in the dark due to all of the muggings.

This brings me to my point; Quincy is at a turning point. Many of the remaining old school families need to educate the New School on what it’s like to be Old School.

I worry that efforts like the downtown development project, and its creative financing could come back to bite the city in the butt and leave taxpayers on the hook. The downtown Quincy development project is a knife edge between working for Quincy and being a total disaster. Think of it as buying a gigantic rental property with 5% down, financing some of it on a maxed out credit card and you have no real job. My advice for new Quincy residents is to get involved.   Learn about decisions that are being made that are shaping Quincy’s future.  Crime in Quincy needs to be brought under control.   Daily, you’re reading in the paper about an out of control crime wave. This is driving many young families out of Quincy, and is one of the major deciding factors for my family’s move.

Finally, your Asian neighbors are the hope for the city.  Embrace them and their Old School mentality.  .  They can’t drive worth a damn and I won’t miss my recycling bin wars with little old women. They believe in the public school system, support a cohesive neighborhood unit and are key to raising Quincy’s property values.

Quincy, it’s been fun.  Yes, I’ve complained, yes, I’ve bitched and moaned and possibly exaggerated some circumstances regarding some neighborhood incidents. When it comes down to it, Quincy has been good to me and my family during our time here, and hope that those that remain embrace the Old School spirit that  is needed to support healthy neighborhoods and make the City of Presidents a great place to live.

-Richard Struh

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This Is What Happens To Your Bedroom When You Move Out Of Your Parents House…

25 Mar

When I moved out of my parents’ house, I knew that my childhood bedroom would end up becoming a spare room for my niece to throw all of her shit in, but good God…

bedroom5bedroom4bedroom3bedroom2bedroom1 dollclownwtf

Where is my powder puff jersey and why are those dolls sitting with horses in the nude?! I have to sleep in this room the night before my wedding. Can we remove the clown so I’m not totally freaked when the lights from the street hit it at 3am?

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Weirdest Movies You Saw As A Kid

27 Feb

Ever think back to some of the movies you watched as a kid and think “What the FUCK was that?”. Lots of weird shit being watched back then (I say this as someone who currently watches an obese psychopath verbally abuse 7 year old dancers). Here are a few of those “What the fuck?” things I watched when I was a  kid:

Ernest movies: Isn’t it bizarre that my biggest fear as a child was to get wrongfully convicted of a felony and sentenced to death due to having an evil twin named Felix Nash? Maybe just a little bit. Ernest movies were my favorite. The dude went everywhere: camp, fuckin’ jail, the army, school, Africa…you name it, Ernest was THERE. You would think that Ernest would be a little bit more kid friendly, seeing that kids loved him so much. If you think about it, Ernest was really just a dude with an IQ comparable to Amelia Bedelia, who wore a long sleeved grey shirt/too much denim every day, took baths in his vest in a washing machine, and sounded like a 2 pack a day smoker of 40 years. Ernest was like Pee Wee Herman on meth. He probably reminds you of your parent’s creepy single friend at the family party who talks to himself in the bathroom and doesn’t know your name. Ernest in a nutshell. I feel bad talking badly about Ernest, since I devoted so many hours of my childhood to his tomfoolery. Plus he’s dead now, and I don’t like to speak ill of the deceased. RIP Ernest P. Worrell….love you.

ernest

The Brave Little Toaster: Aww that electric blanket was SO cute! (like…what?). Seriously, loved this movie…but where do I start? First of all, this movie is about fucking appliances that are sad that their “master” has abandoned them. After the air conditioner kills himself in despair, the crew decides to head out into the world looking for their master. Turns out their “master” is some asshole kid leaving for college. They somehow end up in a junkyard be cause their master’s new appliances queen out when they think they could be replaced. At the junkyard, the toaster sacrifices himself on a conveyer belt that is about to kill his friends, and their master sees them lying in a pile of junk, picks them up and brings them to college after fixing the toaster’s mangled remains. Years later Disney/Pixar basically retold this story with toys…you know, items that kids actually grow attached to. Unless you were a kid who formed a close bond with a lamp?

The New Adventures of Pippi Longstocking: The story of a freckle-faced, fun-lovin’ ginger orphan who makes washing the floors look like a ride at Disneyland. This was hands down in my top 5 favorite movies of all time (up until the age of 7ish). I had a Pippi birthday cake and a Pippi doll – imagine the nightmares you’d have with a Pippi doll in your room at night when the light from the street hits it? Yikes. Anyways,  now that I am older, I see some flaws here. Two words: deadbeat dad. Where the fuck is Pippi’s pops?! He’s a pirate who gets “swept away by sea” AKA he’s boozin’ on the 7 seas with a bunch of savages, leaving his child in the care of a horse and a monkey? Fucks up with that?! You have a kid, granted she’s a total weirdo, but you need to take care of your shit! Another thing, where is DSS? I know that Pippi is eventually sent to an orphanage where she throws an icecream party and saves the building from a fire, but when she decides that the orphanage just “isn’t for her”, she’s sent back home to rage til all hours of the night with her fairweather friends Tommy and Annika til her probably smelly dad comes back and offers her the role of Cannibal Princess (so not only is he a deadbeat father, but he also moonlights as Hannibal Lecter). I smell a skunk!

The Neverending Story: This movie was never one of my favorites because the giant dog (with scales or something similar), as well as pretty much every other creature in it, skeeved me the the fuck out. Plus it’s hard to watch a movie with a protagonist that you want to bully. And don’t call me an asshole for saying that, the kid was trouble. Taking acid at that age? Shame shame!

dog

So anyways, agree or not, you know that these movies were fucking weird. Anything I miss?

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Christmas is on Steroids

10 Dec

rock em sock em robots

Okay, so I officially feel old saying this but it’s true, Christmas is on steroids. I guess it has been for awhile, but I never really thought about it or gave a shit, and would honestly get annoyed at people for constantly pointing out the obvious (eg: “Christmas is SO materialistic/commercialized!”). Maybe that’s because I don’t have kids that I am expected to spend my life savings on annually, only for a non existent fat dude to take all the credit. Maybe it’s because I only care about myself. Who knows? I am just blown away by how ballsy kids are nowadays. I was a lucky little girl, my parents hooked my siblings and I up for Christmas. We thought it was pretty awesome when they got a “family” gift for us to share when I was in the 3rd or 4th grade – a brand new desktop computer to play Ski Free on (which by the way is a totally pointless game, there is no getting around the Yeti, I just Googled it). I mean, what else were you supposed to do on a computer circa 1996 besides fist fight over whose turn it was next and play Ski Free? Beats me.

But anyways, the biggest things on a kids’ wish list back in the 90′s are now what kids consider stocking stuffers. I’m not talking about some chocolate, maybe a gift card to Friendly’s to use on half day Tuesdays. Stocking stuffers are now what I begged Santa for back in the day. Take American Girl Dolls for example. They used to be a HUGE deal. Not anymore! They are really just dolls with overpriced clothes. I had Kirsten, maybe I wanted to be blonde or something. My sister had Samantha. We cherished these bitches! Little girls now have at LEAST 3 of these dolls. What do you even do with that many AG dolls?! Their hair alone is too high maintenance to have 3 of them! Maybe this is a question for parents out there but how does one human even have the ability to love more than 1 thing?! My inability to care for more than one expensive doll is why I don’t have children yet! (Totally kidding, kind of). Having that many AG dolls just cheapens the whole AG doll experience. Last year my then 6 year old niece was invited to an American Girl Tea Party. Every girl in her classroom was invited to a classmates house for a tea party with their AG dolls. This one poor little girl (literally) who happened to be the class bully was the only girl who showed up with a fucking pillow pet! It’s no wonder she’s the class bully! Everyone just assuming that American Girl dolls grow on trees and shit. Like it’s no big deal to get 7 of them for Christmas. Crazy! That’s what my sister gets for sending her to parochial I guess! Jeez!

Another thing that is pretty crazy is kids asking for the most expensive technology for Christmas. They want an iphone in their stocking like it’s nothing, while I’m still enthralled that I bought myself the 4s over a year later. A coworker of mine was saying that her grandkids (all under age 11) asked her for LAPTOPS for their Christmas gifts. Like they each want a separate laptop, not even one to share! What ever happened to sharing a family gift? Why do 5th graders need their own laptop/tablet/whatever?! If this was my kid, I would tell them that I am already bankrupt from the DS bullshit they requested and that if they ever put an ibook on their list again, that they’ll get coal and community service. Sorry kids. But when kids are getting DS and Wii games at $60 a pop in the Secret Santa at the family party, then looking disappointed because they were expecting the iphone 5, I think it’s time we put kids in check! Like, hey, mom and dad can’t even afford a night out at Grumpy White’s because you’re on your 2nd tablet of 2012! What’s wrong with this picture?! I shared my Playstation Goddamnit!!!! And if I wanted to play Twisted Metal, I had to do so in 15 minute intervals!!! Life was hard but I was happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

…Woah, sorry about that.

Moms and dads, wake up and put some coal in these stockings! My mom and dad did this to me less than 5 years ago because my room wasn’t clean enough for their liking. If my mom and dad can do it to their 21 year old to make a point, then you can do it to your 7 year old! Think back to the 60′s/70′s when all you got under the tree was a lousy board game or a fucking Etch A Sketch, and you were elated! Buy yourselves a laptop and tell them to kick rocks! Good luck and God speed and Merry Christmas!

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Random Thoughts By Molly’s Dad Part 4 (or is it pt 5? I forget…)

29 Nov

My dad said that blogs I’ve been posting are “shit”, so he sent me his latest thoughts. He also thinks he deserves his own category in the drop-down box. Who does he think he is?!

  • I’m considering buying my first cell phone soon. Figure that way, I won’t have to wear a watch.
  •  Saw the Doors back in 72 on the Common shortly after Morrison passed. The band just wasn’t the same after Jim broke on through to the other side……
  •   Country Music started losing its identity years ago when Hank Williams Jr. and Marty Stuart infused a rock beat to it. It continues today with Kid Rock rocking it and Taylor Swift putting the pop in it. Not good.
  •  Can’t wait to see the reception Lackey gets from the “faithful” after his first poor outing.
  •  Losing power for days or weeks at a time after a storm looks like the new normal. Years ago, power would be restored within a few hours.
  •  It’s pretty bad when the Herald has to put the Patriots on its front page every day before a game to sell more papers. They used to put sports on the back page.
  •  And who cares what new movie made the most money over the weekend?
  •  Aside from in the movies, I’ve never seen a person waiting to eat at a table, with knife and fork pointed skyward, with a bib tied around his neck.
  •  3 NFL games on T.V. on Thanksgiving. Maybe next year they’ll put a 4th game on against the Macy’s Parade at 9:00 am ?
  •  If I was going to name a high school yearbook, I’d call it either Passages or Reflections.
  •  One of the Red Sox and Celtics biggest weakness is, is holding on to superstars too long.  Belichick never lets sentiment over players get in his way.
  •  The quintessential song of the seventies was “American Pie”.
  •  The thing I’m going to miss most about eating Twinkies is how good you felt afterwards…and having sticky fingers.
  •  Jon Bon Jovi has to be one of the coolest names in rock.
  •  Had a dream the other night. The Big Brother house was ravaged by a fire and there were no survivors. Fortunately the 600 cameras caught the carnage on tape, so there will be one more episode.
  •  Whatever happened to the Spin Doctors ?
  •  If I do buy a cell phone….I know it’s crazy…..but call me maybe?

 

 

Not sure what his deal is with the show Big Brother. I think maybe he’s against it because my mom makes him watch it with her?

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Because Molly Said So’s 1st Birthday

28 Nov

Upon going back 1 year in blogs, I realized that today is Because Molly Said So’s first birthday. Kind of weird, because I feel like it’s only been one long, drunk week. In lieu of expensive presents, I’d REALLY love it if you could take one second of your time to share me on Facebook, or retweet me. Because that’s what really helps me in getting new followers. And more followers = more incentive to keep writing!

Having kept this up for 1 year, I just hope you remember all the import advice I’ve given you:

1. Graphic t-shirts are bogus.

2. Rider Strong is a dick.

3.Vera Bradley is a sin.

4. Caillou is a dick.

5. No one wants to go on your party bus. And if there is no bathroom on your party, not only does no one want to go, but those that feel obligated to go, now want to kill you.

6. If you go to a cookout, and only bring a 6 pack of Stop and Shop franks, people will talk shit about you behind your back. Opt for Ballpark franks. They plump when you cook ‘em.

7. Making a gingerbread house is bullshit.

8. If you upload a photo from a Metro PCS phone, people will judge you.

9. Call of Duty is a homewrecker.

10. Hocus Pocus is overrated.

11. The worst thing you can do to trashy people, is stare at them.

12.  Affliction shirts won’t get you laid.

13.  People who don’t like The Beatles are untrustworthy/serial killers.

14. Maybe you got unfriended because you checked into the gym twice in one week.

15. Decorating your cubicle with pictures of you and your boyfriend on day 1 at a new job is really smug. At least wait until the 90 day trial is up.

16. Everyone has a friend who they think is going to flip the fuck out and kill everyone someday.

17. Being a mom doesn’t mean you need to trade in your Camry for a Windstar with Cheerios and old McDonald’s french fries wedged in the seats.

18. If a ginger that you have never met humps you at the bar while you are just trying to hang, it’s a sign that you should go home.

19. Plentyoffish.com is to dating websites as Myspace is to social networking. If you meet someone on Plentyoffish.com, the odds of them being a serial killer is 98%. If you meet someone, and they tell you they have no Facebook, but you can hit them up on Myspace, the odds of them being a serial killer is also 98%. The other 2% are just trying to get laid in a creepy way.

20. Nothing good happens at the Quincy Carnival.

 

Maybe this time next year, my list will contain at least 1 positive piece of advice. Anyways, thank you all for reading, for retweeting, and for sharing. Without you, I would have to pay my phone bill with my real paycheck ;) Love you.

 

XOXO Molly

 

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BREAKING 90′S GIRLS NEWS!!!!!

27 Nov

I don’t usually blog at night unless I’m accidentally three sheets to the wind on a weeknight while live-tweeting through reality shows. But tonight, the only thing I am drunk off of is whatever neurotransmitters are released through the bloodstream while fangirl’ing HARD for 90′s sitcoms. Okay, fine, I also had a goblet of wine because I was excited. But when I tell you this news you’ve probably heard about already, you will know exactly why I am so excited…

Ahem, so anyways, I am so excited because my inner 90′s girl has been awakened. Boy Meets World o-fficially has a sequel! And I know it’s real because Ben Savage fucking told me:

See? We are SO tight. Don’t let me get caught up bragging about my friendships with almost the entire cast of Boy Meets World though. I say “almost” because despite recent events, Rider Strong is still dead to me. This sequel made my day almost as much as the knowledge that Catfish is on at 11pm tonight did. Actually, I think it made my day even more than knowing I would get to witness idiots who only speak to their ‘soulmates’ online, without it ever occurring to them that they should Skype to make sure the man of their dreams isn’t actually an overweight lesbian who looks like her place of origin is Fraggle Rock.

Really though, how exciting is THIS?! I wonder which of the cast members will be back for round two. I guess the protagonist in this spin-off is Corey & Topanga’s daughter, who had better have some wacky name equivalent to Topanga’s. Feeney is still alive and kickin’, so I’m sure he’ll be creepin’ in the neighborhood like a total weirdo. Jonathan Turner had gotten into a motorcycle accident and I don’t recall if he was quite recovered or not, but paraplegic or not, the guy was definitely a diddler. I mean, he was supposed to be the contrast of Feeney…the “cool”, “hip”, younger teacher with the leather jacket. But let’s face it, Turner took in Shawn Hunter, the troubled, vulnerable kid with the mushroom haircut who longed for family so badly that he joined a cult (Boy Meets World really did have some far-fetched story lines, huh?). Seems like he was trying to gain Shawn’s trust a little TOO much, no? I just don’t buy it. Diddle me THAT, Turner. If Shawn is in the reboot, I’m sure he’s all emotionally weird now. Either that or he dates Eric. Either or. Calling it now.

Ugh, ever since 20 minutes ago when I first found out I just cannot get that annoying theme song from their awkward years out of my head. You remember:

When there’s boy meets woooorrrrrllldddd, boy meeeeetss worllddddd. Like, what a stupid song. Doesn’t even make sense. Anyways, I hope this sequel brings back all the other TGIF classics. God knows kids these days need more of Carl Winslow and less of this singing  Glee/High School Musical shit. Remember the good old days? When TGIF covered everything controversial…from the n-word spray painted on lockers, to troubled white trash cherry bombing mail boxes? That’s when TV taught us something. Corny songs don’t prevent bullying and hate crimes. Showing kids what really is going up is what did. I guess. I don’t know, I’m just biased with a minor wine buzz. But head change or not,  bringing back TGIF would definitely stop 10 year old’s from smoking meth on Friday nights. Fo sho.

Watch this new sequel be as solid as that Lifetime movie when Fred Savage played DJ Tanner’s abusive/possessive boyfriend. THAT was made for TV movie GOLD.

…Or watch it suck. Either way, Rider Strong is still dead to me.

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