Barney deleted Facebook, citing an obscene amount of trash (how do we tell him he IS the trash without hurting his feelings?). And how are we supposed to know where he is if he’s not checking into every single bar, Chinese food, project and sub shop in Quincy/Boston area? Can YOU tell me where he is?
I asked Barney to write a blog about his ideal wife. He reluctantly accepted this challenge when I told him that he had to write it, as I had already written a teaser status update on my Facebook and 8 people had “liked” it. Barney doesn’t like to disappoint potential one night stands, so he got to writing…and inbox’ed me 3 minutes later. Here is Barney’s (100% unedited) “dream” wife:
“Seeing as i was conned into writing this blog ill give you what im “looking” for in a wife, thats if i even get married and since the divorce rate is higher than the marriage rate im not liking those odds. Now first things first i can not stand white girls, spent most of my life with them and ive come to the conclusion that i just cant be with them. If i were to be with one she would have to be completely italian like micheal corleones first wife in sicily from godfather part one, if you dont know her here she is:
Or a swedish girl, like the hot blonde from the first james bond movie Dr. No:
Other than that im into exotic woman from south america, so into them that ive goten to the point where i can see one and tell you what part of south america she hails from. Now that ive goten looks outta the way…ya thats right she has to look good too, i dont wanna wake up every day to some ugly lookin beast c’mon now. She would have to be into the same music,and movies as me cause i cant be with someone who listens to country or techno and watching movies like legally blonde or the harry potter movies. Surprisingly i wouldnt mind if she didnt cook cause i can cook, and i wouldnt want her to clean cause i have a raging case of OCD and want it done my way. Other than that thats pretty much it, im a real picky person and hard to deal with so if you had hopes of marrying me i just totally denied you via blog. Have a nice day”
…So, any ladies who look like that interested in a date with Barney? Make yourself a fixture in Quincy Center, Waterclub, Peggy’s, or JJ’s. He’ll be there looking for you…creeping…lurking…watching.
Come by Marina Bay Saturday July 7th, 2012 for Barney’s 25th birthday bash! Peggy O’Neill’s or JJ Foley’s will likely follow if Barney can make it past the boardwalk come nightfall/no one tries to light him on fire. Stop by with your friends and cut a rug with Big Bri as he celebrates the big 2-5!
*Special thanks to Handsome Factory
Barney read some literature aloud this evening, some excerpts from “I Remember Southie“, by Leo P. Dauwer. I hope you enjoy. And also, learn something. Because we are all from Southie. Or our mom or dad is. Or we are from fahkin’ Dawwchestahhh, guy. Dude. Whatevah. You don’t know me. Go Red Sox. Bawwhhston.
Also, check out our outtakes!:
It was Easter weekend, and from the second I turned off my computer at work on Good Friday, I was up to no good. My friends and I decided to hit Foxwoods for some gambling and sacreligious activity. Our friend Barney was present and ready to Barney Rock (Barney Rock = act shamefully/make poor choices/drain bank accounts/offend everyone/make Jesus sad). Anyways, my boyfriend, best friend, and her boyfriend checked in at MGM while Barney checked into his own Two Trees suite for a romantic getaway alone with my boyfriend’s younger brother, who was defaulted into being Barney’s roommate due to the couple to single person ratio. Barney likes to think he is smart with his finances by being frugal and booking cheaper hotel rooms he knows damn well he won’t be sleeping in anyways. Then he gambles away the difference he saved from booking a shittier hotel room. Once we were settled and ready, we had a quick pregame session in our room and hit the casino. We were disappointed that Barney wasn’t wearing a suit, and therefore we could not film our own version of the Rain Man escalator scene. You know, Barney and another one of our guy friends side by side looking dapper, Barney’s head cocked to the side and a blank look in his eyes. Sort of like this:Nope. Maybe next time Barney will comply. But for this Foxwoods visit, the closest we got to the Barney as Raymond Babbitt/escalator reenactment that we had hoped for went something like this:
I’d say that was more of a cross between the Emilio Esteves/Breakfast Club dance scene and Alan from The Hangover with some John Belushi mixed it. Eh. A little disappointing just because my expectations were so high. But nothing is as disappointing as this cartwheel that he hyped up:
The rest of my weekend consisted of: a long car ride back to Massachusetts in the back seat with my best friend and Barney reminding us that he did not shower; my friend’s birthday at a dive bar (LOVE when people aren’t douchebags and keep it simple); sugar free Red Bull; sleeping through Easter mass; ruining my appetite for my mom’s dinner by eating too many Cadbury eggs; and broken childhood dreams wrapped in colorful cellophane. But I’m okay with my Easter activities. I think getting into a zombie-like state brings me closer to Jesus around this time of year. Happy Easter everyone! And remember, you’re probably going to hell. Sorry, I guess I’m just bitter that tomorrow is Monday.
Last night Barney, who I guess I should just call “Carney”, since everyone knows that’s his real name anyways, made an important announcement. Maybe it was just the booze talking, but Carney told my friends and I that he would like to run for mayor of Quincy. So we began a round table discussion in my friend’s kitchen, you know, to get a feel for what Carney’s goal for our city are. I just wanted to share them with you so that on voting day you have an idea of who Carney is, and what he stands for.
Is Carney qualified to be the mayor?
Carney’s thoughts on Wollaston Theater being sold:
Carney’s thoughts having a “first dog”:
Carney’s thoughts on Quincy’s “luscious” drug problem:
Carney on stem cell research:
Carney on the reconstruction of Quincy Center:
Where is Carney on the political spectrum?
Where Carney sees himself in 5 years:
…I think he screams Quincy…don’t you?
DISCLAIMER: THIS IS NOT REAL. DON’T GET OFFENDED AND DON’T BE STUPID.
I was going to stay in this evening and bitch while my boyfriend played Call of Duty but I decided I’d go out because it was my dear friend’s 25th birthday. I don’t want to tell you his real name, so I’ll just call him “Fee”. My friends and I don’t get to see Fee as much as we used to because we are all busy being productive idiots lately, as is he ( but probably more so than us), and he moved out of Quincy and those of us who are still here rarely leave this place. I think my use of commas in this entry will be weird, sorry in advance…it’s like 2am, and, well…you know. Anyways, it was Fee’s birthday and this called for a celebration, so we headed to a friend’s to pregame, then to Downtown Quincy to carry on. And once we were settled in at the bar, I’ll call “S7″, things began to spiral out of control for our friend Barney. Too many drinks, and he started talking in third person and screaming, “BARNAYYY!”. And at that point I was like, it’s probably time to leave. But as usual, I didn’t leave because I like to take secret/degrading videos of Barney on my cell phone in hopes that he will one day let me post them on the internet. And then I regretted my decision not to leave, because another friend of mine that I haven’t seen in awhile projectile vomited on my shoe after taking a shot, and then I felt bad because he is such a nice guy and he felt genuinely bad and I will never reveal his identity. Never. Then I realized I need to shut up, because it’s Fee’s 25th birthday. And I dedicate this entry to him. Viva Le Fee. And now I am just home, enjoying the small things in life, eating a Celeste Pizza, wishing it was an Ellio’s, while also thinking about how I like this Notorious B.I.G. mug I am drinking out of:
After reading about my white trash encounter, Brian Carney had some things to add about white trash. Here they are:
Growing up in Quincy was great, and only those who actually grew up here knew what it was like at one point. Then something happened. No one really knows exactly how it happened, but it just happened. It was like some sort of zombie apocalypse took over the city we once loved and were proud to be from. With a lot of people moving out of Quincy that means open homes are available, so if you’re not from the area and are looking to buy, be aware of the signs of white trash.
The quick fix of the car, with all their money being frozen from a recent lawsuit they won they cant afford to fix the car so they do the quick fix of the car so they can make it to the corner store to pick up butts.
Well there you have it, if you just moved into Quincy or are thinking about it be aware of these people… they’re everywhere. And remember work harder, millions of people on welfare depend on us! Have a Quincy day.