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Pretending To Watch Football

22 Jan

I am the type of person who just really can’t fake it. If I’m not interested in something, whether it’s a conversation, a movie, or anything at all, I have to get out of the situation. Don’t get me wrong, I’m nice about it and politely say I have to “go over there now” to exit the situation. Hey, it’s better than yawning in someone’s face, right? I just cannot sit there and pretend to be into something that bores me to death. Football is one of those things that I cannot pretend to get into. You ever watch a football game, or any sports game, with a girl who clearly doesn’t know what she’s talking about and it sounds like she’s trying SO HARD to impress the guys she’s with? I’m not saying girls in general don’t know anything about sports, I know plenty of girls  that know a lot about sports. But there is usually that one girl who is obvious about faking it and forcing herself to like it. How can you tell? Well, for starters she wears a pink jersey or hat. She also spends more time status updating about the game than she does watching it. Because she wants everyone to know that she’s watching it, and that she knows other football players other than the hot ones. But back to my situation with sports, I am NOT the girl who knows anything about sports and I am not the girl who can pretend. I can look at the television, but I am totally zoned out to the actual game. I literally just sit there and sip Bud Light and STARE at football player’s bums. I’m not some uptight girl who can’t “hang with the guys”, I just would rather cook delicious for the guys, and drink, and stare at bums. At least I’m not being fake, right? I even truly get upset when the Patriots lose. Instant buzz kill for everyone around me, sometimes making people go home early. It also sucks when your team loses because I use games as an excuse to go out then take a vacation day from work on a Monday. How awful is it to waste that day not being hungover from game night?! So am I alone in this? Does anyone just stare at bums when they are pretending to watch football? How can anyone help it, those pants are so tight!

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Advice: Is Our Friendship Worth Saving?

4 Jan

feenyHi Molly! Happy New Year! I need some serious advice! I have this friend who I have been friends with on and off for many years. When we hangout we laugh constantly and have the best time together. The problem is this: almost every year since we have been friends, she has gotten mad at me for something stupid (in my opinion). For example, if we make “maybe” plans, and I don’t call her the day of the “maybe” plan, she ignores me. The phone works both ways and these plans aren’t set in stone! She also makes passive aggressive comments, but when I respond to them, she says that they weren’t meant to be passive aggressive (they are always over text or online!). She then gets angry at my response and it causes a month of more silent treatment. This makes me nervous to bring up any issues with her, because she just gets mad. I feel like I am walking on egg shells. Sometimes when we hang out with other people, I feel like she is talking about me when I leave the room. I swear I heard her mom make a comment about me while she was on the phone with her and my friend brushed it off quickly (she tells her mom everything, this makes me think she was talking about me to her mom ,causing her mom to comment when she said she was with me). Some of my other friends warn me to be careful because they notice tension, too. It got worse when I got a boyfriend. She totally cut off our friendship within a month of us getting together, citing that I ditch her for him. I don’t make “definite” plans I can’t keep though. Sometimes things just come up, I work full time and don’t have a ton of time. None of my other girlfriends are this high maintenance, and they don’t make me feel like they are talking about me as soon as I leave. My boyfriend doesn’t like her because he sees how bummed out I am when she is giving me the silent treatment, which makes it even more difficult to have a friendship with this girl. She has mistreated him in the past, snapping at him and giving him an attitude. When it comes to our falling outs, I always end up caving in and apologizing, even when I feel like I’m in the right. Arguments with her are exhausting because she brings up the past and throws low blows. I prefer to talk things out when there is an issue, but she just wants to speak her mind about things from months before and gets angry if I respond or defend myself. Why can’t she bring attention to the issue when it happens, rather than months later? It’s like we are good for 8 months, then she gets sick of me or something and picks a fight. I love our friendship when it’s good, but when it’s bad, it’s mind boggling and frustrating. I also have guilt because she doesn’t have many other girlfriends. The last time she “ended our friendship”, it was for months, until I went back to her to try to resolve things. Is this friendship worth saving? Thanks Molly! -Frustrated

Frustrated,

Sometimes people grow apart, even friends. It sounds like that is what is happening (or what has already happened) between you and your friend. It’s sad for sure, but a fact of life. You can’t feel guilty about it, she is how she is. Maybe she doesn’t have many friends because of all the reasons you cited. Maybe she doesn’t want more friends. The bottom line here is that friendships should not be that difficult to maintain. Not to say that you should ditch friends (or boyfriend!) when you have a solid plan, but sometimes in life, like you said, things come up. And you’re right, the phone does work both ways. If she was serious about the plans, she could have called you. Things should be at a somewhat equal balance in any healthy relationship. There should be effort on both ends. It sounds like she is playing mind games. I get that it’s good when it’s good, but the bad makes it unworthy of your time. The silent treatment is a control thing that is both immature and ridiculous. It is actually a form of emotional abuse, as the person giving it is trying to make you feel unimportant, unloved, and not thought of. Their life goes on just fine without you, meanwhile you are stuck wondering what you have done wrong for as long as they want you to. It’s a mind fuck and a total waste of time and energy to put any thought into her games. She’s a big girl, she can talk it out. The silent treatment gives her a way to avoid an uncomfortable topic for her, while making you feel like shit. Don’t put up with it. If your other friends are wary of her, they probably see something that you aren’t seeing. I always say that the biggest red flag of a relationship is when your friends don’t like your significant other (assuming you have good friends who have the best intentions for you). This goes for friendships as well. To be totally honest, if everything you say is true, this sounds like a toxic friendship. Everyone ‘vents’ at some point, even about friends. But you should never feel like you are being gossiped about the second you leave a room. It sounds like there is not much to talk about with this girl, it’s been going on for years, and she won’t communicate with you like an adult. Since she loves a good one-sided argument, I would just slowly distance myself if I were you. She’ll get the hint and maybe start to look at herself in the mirror. Mourn the loss of your friendship while you are out with REAL friends having a low maintenance/fun time. And don’t let anyone mistreat you or your boyfriend ever again. If this person really cared for you, they would know how important your boyfriend is to you. Assuming he is a good guy, she should be happy for you. Clearly, she is not (jealousy?). It’s disgraceful when human beings do not treat other human beings with dignity and respect. She betrays you every time she delivers a low blow or gives you the silent treatment, and is thus undeserving of your friendship. Don’t go crawling back this time. Good luck! -Molly

Word.

Need advice from someone who probably shouldn’t be giving it out? Hit me up: bcmollysaidso@gmail.com!

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What To Do If Someone Calls You Fat

18 Dec

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So today some guy who looks like Kevin Federline at his heaviest, got angry at one of my posts and called me fat. He told me to go eat ice cream to make myself feel better. This is especially frustrating to me not only because I’m not fat (I’m not skinny, but I’m fo’ sho NOT fat), but also because I’m not that stereotype of a girl who eats ice cream to feel better. I like comfort foods when I want to feel better! And chips! And booze! Now it’s not often that I am called fat (to my face), maybe once a decade, so I just kind of laughed it off. But for the sake of pageviews, I tried to make a video of what someone should do if they are called “fat”. Well, as it turns out, my computer sucks shit and so don’t I, because I couldn’t get it to upload to Youtube without getting an error message. After 5 minutes of half-assed attempts, I took screenshots instead. I give you permission to use these slides as an instructional guide to getting through your rainy Monday, after you’ve been called fat. You know, if that situation ever arises. Remember: “fat” is the default insult that ignorant people use when they have nothing else to say to you, and have no legitimate argument to prove this as all of your pictures on your blog’s Facebook are a shitty attempt at obscure so that strangers can’t figure out what you look like and try to murder you in the parking lot of you apartment building! So people who get called fat, try not to get too discouraged when someone puts you down, do what I tell you to do instead:

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1. Wear your hair like this. Try out the “rat’s nest” look. You can get this look by not brushing your hair. It will make you feel the part of “slob”, which is how fat K-fed or someone of equal douchiness may have made you feel on the inside.

fat2. Eat macaroni and cheese from the pot. Annie’s is best because it’s organic, so it tricks you into thinking that you’re a little bit healthy, and not a total fat ass. Just fat ass enough to eat straight from the pot.

fat23. Eat a fruit or vegetable: I chose pickles in the form of potato chips. Well, potato chips that are pickle flavored. Same difference.

fat44. Wash the food down: With beer. Make sure it’s light beer. And make sure it’s barely 4pm on a Monday afternoon when you’re alone in your apartment and your parakeet is watching/judging you, so that you get that full Bridget Jones rock bottom effect. Make sure you drink from a bottle, and take a picture while you do, so that you can give haters the opportunity to photoshop the bottle into something else! Nothing like a little self destruction to top of your already shitty day!

fat55. Say “fuck you!” to said haters: And take a picture while you do, so that when you look at the picture, you’ll be reminded that the only thing fat about you is the FAT ASS ROCK on your finger, and that real men exist, and they aren’t acting tough by calling girls fat on the internet! Or if you are not taken, just look at yourself in the picture and say, “Hey, I’m not fat or ugly or whatever I was called. I’m BEYONCE! No, I’m BETTER than Beyonce!”. And Beyonce can find a man any day of the week, she just wanted the right one. Because seriously, what kind of a man talks shit to a girl on the internet? Or in real life?! Not Jay-Z.

fat66. Eat more macaroni and cheese: Once you remember that you shouldn’t care about what a guy who looks like post Britney Spears divorce K-Fed, or ANYONE, says about you, keep eating the mac and cheese. Because it doesn’t matter how old you are, mac and cheese is fucking GOOD and everyone deserves to have it in their lives!

 

Fo’ real though, thankfully I am not someone who gets  upset every single time I am called a name. If I did, I would be upset numerous times a day while scrolling through comments on my blog. This guy calling me fat was just the perfect opportunity for me to bring up this subject of pressure girls have to be thin. I’ve wanted to blog it but no light bulbs turned on to get me typing. I was more than kind of disturbed at what this guy’s idea of “fat” was. Honestly, 90% of me thinks that this situation in particular was this guy being straight up stupid and having nothing else to say to me. But there are a zillion people in society that have warped perceptions of “fat”. The demographic affected by this, obviously, are young girls. I feel so bad for the young girls of this generation. They are in this fucking pressure cooker! The crazy thing is that most guys prefer curves! And I’m not just saying this as a girl who got called fat this one time and wants to believe this is a fact. It’s legit!

It makes me sad that girls get a complex about their weight so early on. I’d never want to be a teenager again, not during current time! Shit is scary out there…good luck to all you younger girls out there. Put on your helmets because society wants to hit you in the head with giant sticks. You got this!

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Etiquette Class for the Common Quincy Girl

17 Dec

Girls, everyone has been saying for years that Quincy girls are all quite far from classy. I know… it’s fucking BULLSHIT. But then, this summer,  a friend of mine was jumped outside of The Stadium by two older women because one of them told her to shut the fuck up for speaking loudly, and she yelled back, “Don’t tell me to shut the fuck up, YOU shut the fuck up!”. She returned to her conversation, bent over to fix her wedge sandal, and next thing you know, these two meth head lookin’ cougars are tackling her. It was pretty classless of these meth heads to pull this stunt. So I think that what Quincy girls might need, is some charm school. Don’t worry, you don’t have to get up early on a Saturday morning to attend. You can just read my etiquette tips below.

Drink like a lady: Never forget the rule “Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear. Beer before liquor, you’re getting sicker.”. You don’t want to be puking in the alley between Payless by 11pm. Take it easy on the shots, save them for your birthday. Unless someone’s buying. Perhaps have a vodka soda water (splash of cranberry) to start. Then maybe a Mich Ultra (but ONLY 10!) to save a couple of calories. Oh, and never drink Bud heavies. Ever. Pinkies out!

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Fine Dining: Don’t use a spork.

Attire and accessories to avoid: First and foremost: hoop earrings that have a radius of more than 1cm from top to bottom. Small, thin hoops are tolerable. But please, throw the 3 inch hoops in the garbage. I’m sorry to do that to you, but remember that if you get jumped by meth heads, at least they won’t be able to rip the earrings out of your ears. Another fashion trend to avoid: call a spade a spade, and a shirt a shirt. Don’t try to wear a  shirt as a dress. Everyone can see your vagina when you sit down. This really goes  for anything. It’s better to wear a size too big than a size too small. An overall rule of thumb: 85% of “The Cube” at Marshall’s is trashy. Perhaps move on to the woman’s section after you graduate high school.

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Avoid talking about “minding business”: Perhaps the most disgusting topic of conversation a young lady can participate in is in regards to one’s business. Translation? Stop screaming and yelling about “SHE BETTAH GET THE FAHK OUTTA MY BUZINESS AND STOP TALKIN’ SHIT BEFORE I SHOW HER WHAT’S UP!”. Darling, you don’t know “what’s up”. By your tone, it sounds like your “business” involves baby daddy drama, taking the bus, and trash talk. Watch your filthy mouth in the company of your bitches and Quincy gentlemen. Maybe this person talks behind your back you’re a classless whore. No?

Try not to be such a fucking psycho all the time: Stop flipping out. Stop being over dramatic. Stop crying every time you take a sip of vodka, fix the mascara that is all over your face, fix your hair, and enjoy yourself without the tantrums.

Fist fighting: Never, ever initiate a fist fight. If a meth head jumps you, get them off of you somehow, scream, then pretend to faint. If you happen to find yourself in the midst of a girl fight, please refrain from yelling out “BITCH, I’M FROM QUINCY!”. That gives you zero credit, and makes people who are from Quincy want to light themselves on fire and move to Milton.

Stop putting things up your nose: You’re not 2 years old. You know what you should not put up your nose. For example, would you put a Lego up your nose? Or a Polly Pocket? I think not. So let’s try to refrain from getting coked out of our minds every single weekend, shall we? Once someone hears that you’re a cokehead, your weight loss credibility goes out the window.

A commenter on ThePatriotLedger.com once stated that “Quincy is Brockton by the sea”. This at first made me laugh for like 5 seconds, then it made me sad. As a Quincy lover, I  don’t like to hear my home compared to Brockton. Because Brockton is the place where dreams go to die and Massasoit students go to learn simple math. Let’s nip that one in the bud, shall we ladies?

I’m just messing’ with ya, you do you. I could give a fuck less how you behave in public. Just don’t come near me with your garbage mouth and sporks. Whore!!!!50s3

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I Love Responding to Rude Comments! Part 3

6 Dec

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I think from now on I will just put all rude comments sent to me in their own category called “I Love Responding to Rude Comments!”. I just can’t contain myself from calling people out after they  call me out when they have ridiculous email addresses. Like, honest to fucking God, why don’t people change their email addresses after  middle school?! I gave up MollyPop87@yahoo.com back when AIM went out of style. Everyone else needs to follow suit and get rid of these insane email addresses because if they don’t they will NEVER be taken seriously. Like yeah, maybe I am a “hypocritical cunt” like this girl Sarah says I am. My blog’s email is pretty lame. But her email address is JuicyFruit45@gmail.com. All credibility for her argument is out the window. I mean, these kinds of email addresses scream trashy. For real. She doesn’t strike me as the type to know how to put a resume together, but if she does have one, do you think she puts this email address as a contact method on it? I would hope that this is just her personal/junk mail email address, and not her primary/professional one. I could never leave a comment somewhere leaving THAT as my email address. Get some shame, girl! At the very least make up an email that isn’t a flavor of the suckiest Wrigley’s gum, and maybe add an “@edu”. Feel free to drop Sarah a line at JuicyFruit45@gmail.com. I think she needs a female friend to tell her when she’s being irrational, and maybe a career counselor.

I reached out to her myself:

a

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The Drive By

6 Dec

One of the most infamous girl moves: The Drive By. You know you’ve done it. Driven by the house of the guy you like with one of your girlfriends. Or alone. Sometimes, when bitter, you might even egg said house as you drive on by. Or if you’re like me, chuck rubber dick erasers from Amazing Adult Video Express on his front porch. Perhaps while screaming something insane: “EAT DOG FOOD AND DIEEEEEEEEEE MOTHER FUCKER!!!”, or something more simple and obscure like “KAAARRRMMMAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”, etc. If he happens to be walking to or from his car as you are driving by you have to come up with a quick excuse as you are screeching your hoopty to a hault, “Oh, hey! You live here?! That’s SO funny! I was just going to the ATM 29 miles up the street from here! SMALL WORLD!!!!”. But really. Come on, it’s messed up when a guy calls us psychotic, but deep down, we all are a little bit psycho. We know it. And that’s okay. At least we aren’t serial killers, like men are. We are cute psychos! As long as no one sustains a permanent injury, crazy can be funny. I have a friend who used to do drive by’s on a guy she was seeing who wouldn’t get serious enough with her to be an official “boyfriend”. We would get coffees, then just drive around the Boston area aimlessly. She’d weave in and out of different sections of the city, go in crazy directions, just not even thinking about her destination as she chatted about how she stuck his toothbrush in the toilet the last time she saw him because he was dead to her and she didn’t even care about him anymore. No matter which street we went down, or how far we were, it always led to this guy’s street. It wasn’t even her fault, it’s just instinct. And then the speed would pick up. And next thing I knew, we were drive by’ing this dude’s place. Adrenaline pumpin’, ice in our coffees rattling when we went over potholes. And then it was over. After the creeping, we would analyze where he could be if his car wasn’t parked outside. Crazy? Yes. But when you’re single and his Facebook is private, you do what you can to put the pieces of the puzzle together. Girls are the best at creepin’. They will break down fuckin’ firewalls to get the information they need. Kind of ironic that females don’t want to send a text first, but will stalk a guy’s whole life by driving his house, no?

I don’t care who you are. ALL FEMALES HAVE DONE A DRIVE BY. And I’m confident enough to say that all females have done at least 1,976 drive by’s by age 19. DON’T LIE. Own the insanity. Because no matter what psychotic antics us females have gotten into throughout our lives, at least we don’t do the weirdo/sadist shit that men partake in. Jeffrey Dahmer. Chris Brown. Elf on the Shelf.

Note: One of my friends actually had a guy tell her to “eat dog food and die” after having a falling out. In the off chance that he is reading this, thanks for the inspiration…you fucking psycho.

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Advice On How To Get Over Your “Soulmate”.

22 Oct

Hi Molly,

I’m 16 and just got broken up with by a guy who I am still so in love with. We were together for 8 months. I know that I shouldn’t love this guy, he’s kind of an asshole, he hates my friends, he cheated on me twice, and sometimes he would “forget to call” when we had plans. But I can’t help who I love and I feel like this guy is my soul mate. He is the only one who can make me laugh and I can’t see myself with anyone else. He broke up with me 2 weeks ago but still calls me to hangout sometimes, and when I did hangout with him we hooked up. What should I do to either get him back or get over him? I’m scared he’s going to find someone else. Please don’t be mean, I know I’m being dumb!

-Sad

Dear Sad,

Don’t be sad. You are not alone. Most girls get psycho about one guy when they are young. There’s actually a rule that I made up right now that gives every female the right act completely irrationally with ONE guy and get away with it. But there are some guidelines to that rule. First, you can only be irrational for so long. How long are you in the mood to be treated like shit? Because the longer you put up with it, the longer you’ll feel like shit. Sex & The City states that it takes half the total time you spent with someone to get over them.  That means you could be over this guy in 4 months.

The second guideline is that you are only allowed to bitch to your friends about it for a specified amount of hours. Trust me, they get sick of hearing it and you would, too. Girlfriends are there to listen and give you the best advice they can, but don’t abuse it by only talking about yourself for a year. Your friends are also there as a distraction from the hurt you are feeling. Use your time with them to laugh and forget. Perhaps light this guy’s house up with eggs. Then take a picture of it and email it to me, and we will laugh VIA email. Actually, don’t do that.

Third guideline says that once you’ve dated one bad guy, you are no longer excused from doing so again. Everybody gets one. Then it gets annoying REAL fast and no one will want to hear it and you’ll lose all wisdom credibility. That’s right, you won’t be able to tweet any wisdom. Live and learn, biatch.

Seriously, this guy sounds like a dick. He cheated on you TWICE. And he hates your friends, which is the biggest red flag known to girl. I know it feels like the end of the world right now, but you will laugh about it as soon as you’re over him. You’re only 16. When I was 15-16 I dated some kid who treated me like shit. I put up with it for so long that by the time I was a senior, I had wasted most of high school being hurt over him. Looking back, there was NOTHING about him that was worth that. I feel like I was inhaling toxic fumes to make me even remotely interested in this kid. I was smitten because he was my first “real” boyfriend (I thought “real” back then, but now I know it was not real…it was stupid). I don’t want to minimize your feelings by only saying “get over it, you’ll laugh later on”. I know that it’s true, but it’s not what you want to hear. Instead I will tell you what you should (or should not) do to be proactive about the situation: do not answer his calls. Put control back in your hands. Ignore him, delete him from your phone, block him from calling you or change your number. Keep yourself busy and just hangout with friends as much as possible. Create memories with people who are worth your time. Don’t waste the best years you’ll ever have on some chump that the future you wouldn’t give a second thought if he brushed up against you in line at a bar.

Oh, and just because someone makes you laugh, doesn’t mean they’re your soul mate. Have you ever stopped yourself mid laugh to ask yourself if you’re fake laughing? If you have, that means you’re fake laughing.

Hope this helps,

Molly

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“I only hang out with guys because girls cause drama.” Part 2

4 Oct

I’ve gotten a couple of emails and comments under my original blog  “I only hangout with guys because girls cause drama.”

Things like “I hangout with all guys and I’m not a whore or dramatic!” and “I can just talk to guys about things without judgement!”. Blah, blah, blah.

And I wanted to clarify some things for people who misconstrued what I wrote. Well, actually. I just reread that blog. And I stand by what I said. So I guess nothing was misconstrued. Of course there are exceptions to everyone. Like maybe you’re a super butch chick who really is just one of the guys. But I’m not talking about exceptions, I’m talking about the majority and just want to elaborate a little…

Okay, so the whore comments I made, let’s talk about that. Maybe you hangout with all guys and you’re not a whore. But guess what? It’s a red flag to other girls when they hear a girl say that they don’t hangout with other girls. It’s like, okay, well, what did you do to make you stop hanging out with other girls? Maybe nothing, but other girls are not going to think like that. Having girlfriends is so important. If you have none, you become untrustworthy to other girls. It’s like, did you F someone’s boyfriend or something? Do you sleep around? Are you just a deadbeat friend who is unreliable and flakes on plans constantly and just cannot handle the duties of a female friendship, so you turned to guys because they don’t give a shit if you are there for them or not and get over shit more quickly in general?  What’s the deal? Even if you don’t care what other people think, it is the truth that you become a threat to other females when you brag that you only chill with guys.  If you’re reading this and thinking “I  totally don’t think that about girls who only hang with guys!”, then you’re a liar or in denial or unrealistic or the rare exception. You are a female who has opted for the “bro’s before hoe’s” mantra. You switched sides and we can not trust you to the extent to which we would have if you weren’t so against other women.

The dramatic comments I made…how often do you hear some dramatic girl bitching about hating drama? Probably a lot, right? I know that the girls I know who say “I hate drama!” are always dramatic. They seem to look for it while screaming “I HATE DRAMA!” when they are right smack in the middle of it.  Again, there are exceptions to this. But if you truly don’t like drama, you don’t even need to clarify it. You just stay away from it and keep mum on the subject. You just avoid it.

In regards to the comment about guys not being as judgmental as girls. That’s not necessarily true. The example the girl who commented on my original blog about this subject was that guys don’t judge her for her Lord of the Rings obsession. Um, yeah, they don’t care. But neither do us girls. I don’t give shit if you like dorky movies or games or if you’re a weirdo. Everyone is a weirdo. Maybe a closeted weirdo, but a weirdo nonetheless. I have a girlfriend who recites excerpts from Harry Potter in a British accent because she’s obsessed with the movies, even has posters in her room. Do I think she’s a geek for this? A little. But in a good way. It’s funny. Shit like this gives people character. Girls do NOT care what your interests are unless it’s something completely dark and creepy and evil. If one of my girlfriends likes something stupid, I say good for her. I don’t care. And for anyone to say that guys don’t judge, well, I don’t know. That’s just not factual. Guys do judge. Maybe not as openly as girls. But in some ways, they are more harsh than girls. They just think because they don’t say it behind someone’s back that it’s acceptable. Everyone judges, even if we don’t mean to or realize we are doing it. If you feel like girls are constantly judging you in a toxic way, then maybe you just hangout with the wrong girls. Maybe the girlfriends you dumped were just shitty friends. But don’t generalize girls because you hung out with a few bitchy ones.

To girls who have more in common with guys than girls, that’s FINE. No one cares. Knock yourself out, do you, girl! But like I said, don’t generalize because it’s annoying to hear other girls say they hate hanging with girls because girls are dramatic. Shut up. Not all girls are dramatic. You ARE a girl! Don’t blame other girls for your own stupid rationale. There is nothing more fun, for me, than having a girl’s night and acting like an idiot with my girlfriends. I love hanging with my guy friends, too. But it’s just not the same thing. Girls who proclaim they are “one of the guys!” sound like they are saying that for attention FROM guys. Even if you’re not, that’s what it sounds like to other girls. And I can tell you one thing, with few exceptions, there are things that guys won’t talk about or be honest about in front of girls, whether they are “one of the guys” or not. Because even if you can talk sports with a guy, you are still a girl and they see you as one regardless of how you think they see you. FACT.

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Save The Dates & Babies All Up On My Fridge!

1 Oct

September was a crazy month and I’m slightly happy it’s over. Don’t get me wrong, it was an awesome month. I love September because it’s basically still the summer. But this past September reminded me that I’m getting kind of old. I’m only 25, so I’m not really that old, but in 5 years I’ll be 30, and that disgusts me. Nothing against 30 year old’s…I just have Peter Pan Syndrome (I don’t want to grow up). Like, if Peter Pan were a girl named Molly who liked a good buzz on the weekends and wore more black because it’s slimming, and dressed up like a slut every Halloween, I’d say we were twins.

But yeah, this September made me feel old because I went to a couple of weddings and got invited to even more weddings. Like here’s my fridge circa last month:

Lots of Save the Dates and invitations and children (plus a picture of me and my best friend in prom pose and some Boba Fett magnets). And for those who don’t know what a “wedding” is, it’s this event that occurs where you pay like 40 thousand dollars to feed all your ungrateful friends, then they watch you fuse your soul to another person’s soul, then agree to maybe create more money-grubbin’ souls after fornicating, and if you break these vows you recite at the wedding, your other half dumps you or vice versa and you find yourself watching The First Wives Club and Richard Gere movies until you die alone, and then you’re are damned to hell for an eternity. Sometimes during the process off all of these that occur after the wedding you get fat. Sometimes you don’t get fat though, and all your friends quietly resent you. So yeah, that’s what a wedding is… just the most loving and beautiful event.

But anyways, I went to some weddings in September and they were all good fun, minus Barney getting a video of me dancing like Elaine Benes at one of the receptions. A reception is the event that happens directly after the vow exchange. The reception is when you overeat like you would any other day, and then dance to annoying songs you hate, like Cotton Eyed Joe, but you don’t care because you’re drunk and think you look like Jennifer Grey post rhinoplasty. Back to my point though, weddings make me feel old, even though I’m not. And I don’t like feeling old at age 25, when my mentality is that of someone who is 17 years old. Catch my drift? So I guess I’m just asking everyone I know to lay off on the weddings for at least 17 more years. I’m not mentally prepared for anymore weddings. And while I’m at it, no more babies either. Because I procrastinate with baby shower registries and then I’m stuck getting all the small shit and throwing it in a basket and it looks ghetto. Plus babies don’t even really like me, and my mom friends’ availabilities change, which is inconvenient for me. To everyone who already has a baby or who’s wedding I already RSVP’ed “yes” to, that’s fine because I love them and their current babies, but let’s just draw the line here for now and wait until I’m ready for you to have more babies and weddings. Maybe this sounds selfish, but you have to remember that I’m unmarried and have no babies except for Boba Fett (my parakeet), so I’m pretty much as selfish as they come, and I don’t see that changing for at least another 34 years.

Alright then. Glad I got that off of my chest. Now here’s a picture of Boba keeping cool in front of the air conditioner: FIN.

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Dear Teenage Girls (Part 2!)

24 Sep

Dear Teenage Girls,

Hi, again. As I sit in my living room, drinking alone while watching the Katy Perry movie, I am reminded of how immature I am. Which reminds me of the time I was a teenage girl. So like, a few years ago. And one of the things I did when I was a teenage girl was date douchebags. And let’s be real, you’ve dated a douchebag. And if you haven’t, maybe you know someone who has or is. MAYBE you’re dating a douchebag right now, and you’re in denial of the douchebaggery going on around you. No matter what your situation is, I want you to read this and reflect on your past or current relationships. Now I want you to say out loud “I’m like 15 or something close to that, and even though this feels important in the moment, it’s really just whack.” Because sometimes you will forget that as a teenager, your life is kind of a joke. I don’t mean that in a mean way, I’m not a teenager anymore and my life is still kind of a joke. But there are things you need to remind yourself that you forget sometimes. And the number one rule of life is that you are the most important person in the world, to you anyways. You are numero uno. Then comes family, and then real friends. According to the rule of #YOLO, you only get one life. There is no time for bullshit. So you need to get rid of the douchebags in your life ASAP. You might be wondering how you know if you’re dating a douchebag. Well…here are some hints:

1. Your friends hate him. You know who your friends are, right? Well, they are your friends for a reason (am I right, or am I right?). If your real friends hate your boyfriend, they are probably on to something. You should listen to them, because the teenage years are the only years when it is acceptable for girls to butt in to their friends’ relationships (unless we are talking about adults who are in abusive relationships, then it’s acceptable for their grown up friends to intervene). Yup, if most of your girlfriends tell you that your boyfriend is a prick, then he probably is. Your family has insanely high standards for you, because they love you unconditionally and want what’s best for you. They are biased and might unfairly judge someone based on their expectations for you. But your friends, they get to see every side to you and get to see you with your boyfriend. They know what the deal is. Listen to them.

2. Your gut tells you he’s bad news. You know that bad feeling you get about the candidate you’re note voting for when you’re listening to them speak during a debate? Okay, maybe not. But do you ever get this bad feeling about someone when you think of them? Like that maybe, said person doesn’t have the best intentions. You might try to ignore this feeling because this person hasn’t done anything specifically to make you think ill of them. Well that feeling is your gut screaming at you to stop being an idiot. Something is not right and you should listen to your gut.

3. He puts you down. You might not even realize he’s doing it, but sometimes you feel like he’s putting you down. Maybe this is directly, telling you that you need to lose a few pounds or that everything you stand for is bullshit. Or maybe he puts you down in a subtle way by criticizing little things about you – like how you’re wearing your hair. Maybe he even says it in a joking around manner, but something about it just.doesn’t.feel.right!!! Either way, these comments make you feel slightly worthless, right? Don’t let them, he’s just a douchebag. And don’t let him put down your friends or family either. If he isn’t a douchebag, he will be courteous and respectful of your loved ones, because he wants you in his life, and they are a part of YOUR life.

4. He redirects blame at you. Does your boyfriend seem to direct blame at you when you’ve done nothing wrong? Like, does he lash out at you because he had a bad day? Or has there ever been a time in which he’s done something to upset you, and when you confront him, he turns things around and gets mad at you? Kind of weird that you find yourself apologizing because he stood you up, right? That’s just him getting defensive and manipulating you into not being mad at him anymore. It’s the biggest mind-F ever when you realize what’s happened afterwards, right? Welp, it’s manipulation and it’s another douchebag tactic. Move along.

5. He denies you in public. Does he text or call you all night then pretend like he doesn’t know you when you’re at school or in front of his friends or your friends or whoever? If you feel like you’re getting the cold shoulder from him, and if he flat out denies being with you,  remember that you don’t have time for his games. You’re Beyonce. And Beyonce should be getting her beauty sleep, not sexting boys who can’t grow a respectable beard yet (side note: Yes, there ARE respectable beards).

I mean, I don’t care, do whatever you want. But let me just tell you something about your boyfriend. All he cares about is school, and his mom, and his friends…

I just felt a Mean Girls quote was the best way to end this blog. BEDTIME.  Be smart, girls! Ditch the douchebags.

LovE aLwAyz,

Molly ;) Disclaimer: I will follow this up with how to tell if you’re a guy who’s dating a female dog at a later date (they exist!!!).

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