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Are You Allowed To Tell A Friend To Dump Her Boyfriend?

22 Mar

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No idea why, but I find myself in this debate with someone at least once a month: if you think your friend’s boyfriend is a dick, are you allowed to tell her to give him the boot? Well, obviously you are allowed to, but SHOULD you? Most of the time I hear girls say that it’s totally kosher to let her girl know her man sucks if it’s in her best interest. But to be honest: I disrespectfully disagree. The only time that it’s okay to butt in is when you are talking about any kind of abuse – so for the sake of this blog, I am not talking about abusive relationships. I am talking about normal relationships with your (somewhat) typical problems. Say for instance he’s the most annoying fucker you’ve ever met, I’m talking a one-upper who uses “Just saying!” at the end of every douchebag comment he makes. Unless your friend directly asks for your opinion, there is nothing you can do except wait it out and hope that she comes to her senses. You can try to get around this by perhaps bringing up petty shit about your own boyfriend that you don’t like (he plays Call of Duty one hour longer than you’d like, for example) to see if maybe your friend will open up about the issues in her relationship to kind of pave the way for you to gently point out that he might not be the right guy for her. But if you just come right out and start letting her in on all of your negative feelings towards him, chances are she will get defensive, feel ganged up on, or shut down completely. And when that’s over with, she will know that she cannot go to you to talk or confide in you about her relationship problems. She may even resent you for laying it on her so thick. She is a big girl and she can take care of her own shit. If she doesn’t take care of her own shit after a gentle warning, that should be your cue to sort of  fade away and let her learn for herself. If during the learning process she complains about him all the time, let her know that you told her what your take was, and that your stance is the same.

I am not saying that you shouldn’t be honest. Be honest without any selfish intent (like wanting her to ditch him so you can be single together). Let her know that you don’t like his behavior when he acts a fool.  But if you don’t like your friend’s boyfriend just over some personality differences you have with him, keep it to yourself and just don’t double date with them. Easy peasy! I am all for girl power and shit, but I think us girls get a little too into it when it comes to our friends relationships. It’s not your relationship. It’s not your place to meddle unless your  friends are in some kind of danger. If your friend is happy with a guy you think is kind of a tool, then it is what it is. It’s rare that us humans can accept that is it what it is because we want what we want, but really: IT IS WHAT IT IS. Stop trying to be the hero and settle for the supportive friend role. If she needs you, she will come, and she will appreciate you a lot more when you stop doling out unsolicited advice. Let’s be real: she’s not going to listen to you anyways. We want what is best for our friends, but we need to learn for ourselves sometimes.

Exceptions:

  • Your friend is dating a guy who is really into crystals for the purpose of inviting positive vibes into their atmosphere.
  • Your friend is dating a gay man and you have solid proof of it.
  • Your friend is dating Kanye West.

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You Made Me Like This!: Confessions of Ex Girlfriends

1 Mar

So I was thinking of making Fridays more interesting by compiling psycho ex stories. Even though the title is “Confessions of Ex Girlfriends”, guys can feel free to send their psycho ex stories in as well. If you have something you need to get off your chest, feel free to send your story to bcmollysaidso@gmail.com, and don’t worry – 10% anonymous. And we don’t judge you (yes we will).

Here are the *brave women who have decided to share their confessions with you, the internet:

*anonymous

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Busted

Senior year I was dating Guy #1 but was secretly hooking up with/dating Guy #2 who was like 3 year younger, but he was hot and a quarterback…

So I was drinking gin and juice (out of an extra larger McDonald’s cup) at Cavanaugh field (in North Quincy)  and hanging out with Guy#2. I got white girl wasted, legit couldn’t drive my car, etc. So Guy #2 drives my car to my house and to my surprise Guy #1 is there.  I’m shitfaced and cheating so my logical thought was to run into my house and take a shower fully clothed. Little did I know Guy #1 was outside chasing Guy #2 in circles around my car while my little sisters watched from my porch. Oops.

Sign Language, Violence  & All Around Bad Decisions On A Humid Day At The Marina

It was a humid summer day at the Marina. All was fine And dandy as I received numerous free shots at roughly 2pm at Ocean Club. Leaving the company I was with (bad idea) I drove down Harvard street while trying to maneuver my cheesy pop tunes blasting through my iPod. Needless to say I drilled the curb and got a vicious flat tire. Rather then help me out, my man was with another chick at the time. Upon receiving this information my mind began to wander: Revenge? Pain? What type of action should I take to harm this ass wipe? Two friends came to the rescue while a deaf man walking down the street changed my tire. I Googled thank you in sign language for his good deed. First stop – a random shed behind the hotel on Morrissey where I find a shovel. Proceed to Columbia Road where I spotted the shit stained vehicle my man drove. Three whacks with the shovel and the windshield was toast. I huddled next to a parked car and hopped into my getaway car like a straight ninja. The end.

(Note: BecauseMollySaidSo.com does not condone drinking and driving or malicious destruction of property.)

Break & Enter At Your Own Risk

Okay, so broke up with my ex boyfriend of 2 years. We owned a house together, so I moved out. He changed the locks. Two months later he is dating a new girl. One day a friend of mine and I were out and did a drive by of the house …. no one was home. We decided to see if my keys would still work to get some of my stuff that was still there. Keys didn’t work so we broke in through the open kitchen window. Upon going through the house I find she has pretty much moved into my house, her stuff was everywhere. Not to mention used condom wrappers on the night stand and a used pregnancy test in the trash. I find the digital camera my ex had gotten me for my birthday a few months before on his side of the bed. I turn it on and what do I find …. naked pictures of the new girlfriend!  So I took the camera and other stuff of mine in the house. Uploaded the nude pictures and saved them to my computer … may or may not have posted them to Facebook and tagged him in them :)

(Note: BecauseMollySaidSo.com does not condone breaking and entering…or really anything on this entire blog post at this point.)

A Friendly Game of Air Hockey

Once my ex was missing for 3 days, leaving me with a baby and no food or diapers. When his friend dropped him off, shitfaced, I smiled and thanked him. After his friend had left, I turned around and hauled off an upper right punch with all my might and hit him so hard in the eye that his thick glasses were broken and he had a shiner that could be seen from the next galaxy. He landed on an air hockey game, causing further damage. Out of work 2 weeks. He had a very difficult prescription for glasses, and in those days you had to wait for a lab to make them for you.

It was worth it.

Ass Kicked By A Girl

Last year at some point I met up with my ex for a late night. Obviously both of us were lonely, drunk… you know: your typical weekend night shenanigans that end up with you on your bedroom floor the next day hating yourself.

Well, after a little, how should I phrase it, “pillow fight” he got very blunt and says “You can leave now”… What? No recovery time? I’m exhausted, drunk (on the verge of feeling hungover) and you want me to leave???

I got so pissed/ angry/ hurt (cause hey- I can dream that he might change his ways and sweep me off my feet) that I punched him square in his face, knocking off his glasses. I’m talking straight haymaker, right hook, Mike tyson style punch. So while he was keeled over, holding his face for dear life, I walked off, slammed the front door of his apartment and proceeded to get into my car.

“Well look here!” I said to myself as I stared at his beautiful chromed out black jeep Cherokee and before you know it I was giggling to myself as I took my car keys and proceeded to frolic around his car keying the crap out of it.

Then, I got into my car, texted him “you got a nice car there”, drove off and waited a few minutes and drove by his house again. I beeped and waved as W saw him, dumfounded, staring at his beloved car in the middle of a school parking lot.

Damn it feels good to be a gangsta.
Mama Knows Best

This story isn’t about me, but it’s about my mom in the 80′s. My mom is a pure-bred Quincy girl. She was the crazy, loud, funny, tough chick. She had this boyfriend back in her senior year of high school and suspected him of cheating on her. For the next couple weeks her and her best friend K would follow him home in K’s dad’s car. Finally one night they saw him take another girl in the house. The two of them climbed up a tree next to his house and slid in the open window, to find him banging this other chick. K started beating the shit out of this girl (who was stark naked) while my mom did the same to her now-ex boyfriend.

Car Trouble

I was dating a kid who cheated on me with a friend of mine. One night I saw her out at a bar. I went out in the parking lot and saw her car and wanted to key it or slash the tires … but a guy friend I was with told me to put oil in her gas tank. He just so happened to have a bottle of oil in his truck.  I made sure to put every last drop of oil in the bitch’s gas tank. Come to find out it ruined her entire car,  and they had to replace the entire engine and fuel lines :)

Taking The IOU To A Whole New Level

First off, Quincy guys are nuts too. Like, psycho. I kicked out a guy who had been living with me because he stole money from me. That night he slept on one of our mutual friends couches. When that friend came home from work the next day my ex was gone, and so was 200 bucks out of his undies drawer. The psycho part is that my ex thought he was being courteous by leaving an “IOU” except it wasn’t an IOU, it was a “Victoria owes you”. Yup, my ex wrote a note saying that I had ruined his life, so it was my fault that he needed the dough and I will pay him back. Luckily our friend found this ridiculous and didn’t come after me with a baseball bat and a horses head which is what I’m pretty sure my ex wanted.

Anddddd Saved The Most Psychotic For Last…

I had an old friend who was in the most psycho relationship going. The guy was a hard core junkie, and he beat the crap out of her all the time.   There was no trust on either part (nor was the trust really deserved because they were both crazy train and cheating on the other left and right).   So, one day, I get a call from the friend saying that she had enough of her man, and she put windshield washer fluid in his blue Gatorade before he went to work.   She asked me what I think she should do, should she tell him or just leave it
be.   He didn’t die, so I don’t know what the hell she did.

A few weeks later, I wake up to texted pics of what appears to be a naked 14 year old girl from a number I don’t recognize.  I start deleting, deleting, deleting thinking good lord some one’s framing me or something for child porn.  I was a step away from calling the cops on the psycho sending the texts when my cell rings from that old friend.   Before I can even begin to tell her about the craziness, she goes, can you believe that my boyfriend had these pics of this little girl on his phone?   He gave her drugs and had sex with her and took these pictures.   She goes on to say, I’m going to send them to her parents, but i want you to keep a copy for safe keeping.   I was like what?  No, i can’t keep these pictures, this is crazy.   You should call the cops on him.  She goes, no the girl’s 18.  She wouldn’t call, instead she had them printed off, and started a fight with him one night, and kept throwing different copies of the pics at him.  He ended up beating the crap out of her, their neighbors called the cops, and she climbed out of the window to get away from him, and basically landed at the cops feet.   The boyfriend was pulling at her hair so hard to pull her back into the apartment, he pulled out a chunk of her hair and scalp, that the cop found in the apartment.   He got arrested, somehow the child porn wasn’t discovered, and two weeks later they got back together- like everything was fine.  Then he bought her plastic surgery.

Another time, she went through his car looking for signs of cheating. She found genital wart cream instead. So, to get back with him, she sent out a mass text to all his and our friends letting us know that
he had genital warts.   I’m really not sure what she thought she was accomplishing by this because everyone assumed she had them too.   I’m just glad she wasn’t on Facebook!

Only in Quincy!

Well, now that I’ve lost in my faith in humanity, let’s give a hell yeah for the weekend! Hellllll yeaaahhhhhhh!

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No One Gives A Shit About Your Stop & Shop Flowers.

14 Feb

Today is the day that every single person in America loves to pretend to hate more than they actually hate it: Valentine’s Day. The made up day during which we are supposed to spend money and be lovey and nice to our significant others. Not sure why we aren’t lovey and nice to our loved ones every day but I think it has to do with Hallmark wanting us to spend money or something. Of course us girls are suckers for a bullshit holiday and love anything that gives us an excuse to drink too much wine on a work night.

My personal favorite part of Valentine’s day are all the haters who hate love but would probably love love if they fell into it. Typically these people have just gotten their hearts broken and are still irrationally angry and openly expressive about it on social media. I find little more hilarious than irrational anger. Like, woah, you just status updated that you want couples to die because you got dumped by a dude that you dated for only 1 month! These people also are known for commenting “puke” under uploads of flowers and chocolates and teddy bears. I dig your insanity, mostly because it’s crazy entertaining, but what is wrong with you?! Go get shitfaced with friends on Valentine’s day, maybe watch some slasher flicks to calm yourself down.

My second favorite part of Valentine’s day are all the haters who hate the haters of Valentine’s day. These people are typically Miss Lippy-esque, and wish that everyone would wear red and pink on February 14th. They proclaim to the world via social media that if they are in relationships they should love like it’s the last day on earth, and if they are single that they should love themselves enough to write a self help book about it. It’s like, obviously the haters got dumped and are still sad about it, let them live. Just look at their open misery as entertaining at their expense. It’s pretty much a fact that miserable people are the funniest, so go with it.

My third favorite part about Valentine’s day are all the girlfriends who think that the world cares about their bouquet of supermarket flowers. They take pictures of their vase of roses and Instagram it, Facebook it, Tweet it, the whole nine. Hashtag best boyfriend EVER!!!!! Followed by a paragraph of emoji hearts. They don’t realize that people either A) don’t care, B) are judging their boyfriend after seeing the pink flower wrap from Stop and Shop, or C) wish that the packet of flower food was actually anthrax. Hey, I’m not giving these ladies shit. I am one of them. Except I stay away from the best boyfriend ever hashtag because I want to have friends that don’t secretly hate me. So really, who cares if no one gives a shit about your Stop & Shop flowers? You do because they made you feel special and that’s what matters.

Kind of funny that all of my favorite parts of holidays now are based off of people’s cyber actions. The internet is basically reality now, right? But in all seriousness, I think it’s nice to make people feel special even if it’s on a day that they expect it, like today. Doesn’t have to be a boyfriend or girlfriend or husband or wife. Could be a friend, or family, a random stranger. For example: I just gave a homeless man a dollar and 35 cents and now we are in love forever. Or here is something unconventional you could do: treat yourself like you are special. I mean, how can you expect someone else to love you if you don’t even love you? Shiiiiit! vday

Dopamine + Norepinephrine + Phenylethylamine = love. Yay!

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Pretending To Watch Football

22 Jan

I am the type of person who just really can’t fake it. If I’m not interested in something, whether it’s a conversation, a movie, or anything at all, I have to get out of the situation. Don’t get me wrong, I’m nice about it and politely say I have to “go over there now” to exit the situation. Hey, it’s better than yawning in someone’s face, right? I just cannot sit there and pretend to be into something that bores me to death. Football is one of those things that I cannot pretend to get into. You ever watch a football game, or any sports game, with a girl who clearly doesn’t know what she’s talking about and it sounds like she’s trying SO HARD to impress the guys she’s with? I’m not saying girls in general don’t know anything about sports, I know plenty of girls  that know a lot about sports. But there is usually that one girl who is obvious about faking it and forcing herself to like it. How can you tell? Well, for starters she wears a pink jersey or hat. She also spends more time status updating about the game than she does watching it. Because she wants everyone to know that she’s watching it, and that she knows other football players other than the hot ones. But back to my situation with sports, I am NOT the girl who knows anything about sports and I am not the girl who can pretend. I can look at the television, but I am totally zoned out to the actual game. I literally just sit there and sip Bud Light and STARE at football player’s bums. I’m not some uptight girl who can’t “hang with the guys”, I just would rather cook delicious for the guys, and drink, and stare at bums. At least I’m not being fake, right? I even truly get upset when the Patriots lose. Instant buzz kill for everyone around me, sometimes making people go home early. It also sucks when your team loses because I use games as an excuse to go out then take a vacation day from work on a Monday. How awful is it to waste that day not being hungover from game night?! So am I alone in this? Does anyone just stare at bums when they are pretending to watch football? How can anyone help it, those pants are so tight!

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Ryan Gosling

14 Jan

Last night I guilt tripped Ryan into watching the movie Blue Valentine. Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams (the slut from Dawson’s Creek) are in it, and it’s basically about the disintegration of a marriage. Pretty shitty movie to watch, since we just got engaged, but I love Ryan Gosling so I watched it anyways. There is a scene in the movie when Ryan Gosling’s character is trying to get Michelle Williams’ character to talk to him by pretending that if she doesn’t speak, he will jump off of a bridge. At this point in the movie, my Ryan got pissed off. He starts ranting about how he is the only one who can see right through Ryan Gosling:

“This guy is such a douche!!! Every movie he’s in he’s threatening some chick into going out with him by saying he will jump off of a ferris wheel or a bridge!!! His pick up lines are bullshit and so is he!!!!! He’d never jump!!!! Why do women believe this shit?!WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO SEES THIS?!?!…The movie Drive was pretty good…but other than that, the guy is full of shit!!!! “

He then proceeded to open the living room window in a fit of rage. His threats to do a one-armed hang from the window sill to be romantic were empty. Only Noah Calhoun would follow through (if he were real).

RG

Ryan stopped with the window act only when he heard my camera phone go off (you have to be careful how you behave in front of someone who blogs). I told him I wouldn’t post the picture on my blog and he calmed down from his Ryan Gosling rant/protest (I’m a liar, but at least I cropped out his Ed Hardy boxers, which I surprisingly have not burned yet). I started to explain to my Ryan why girls love Ryan Gosling so much. As I explained, Ryan perused Google image search for bad pictures of RG from his earlier days in a pathetic attempt to turn me off from this hunky star from The Notebook. Ryan always does this, tries to ruin the spark between me and my Hollywood soulies. He searches for bad pictures of them to do a side-by-side with. Like, the other night he made me watch What’s Eating Gilbert Grape so that I’d stop obsessing over Leonardo DiCaprio. He also tells me every day that Leo’s facial structure is that of a dwarf. I’m unsure why Ryan thinks this tactic works, or how Leo looks like a dwarf. I actually ended up thinking that Leo was endearing as Arny in Gilbert Grape. Totally backfired on Ryan. But anyways, I explained the main reason that girls love Ryan Gosling (other than him being a total smoke):

“Girls love Ryan Gosling because Ryan Gosling doesn’t look like a rapist when he has a beard, even if it’s not maintained.”

So simple. Proper beard maintenance. We don’t care if you’re hanging off the roof of the Pru, if your beard looks like shit, we aren’t going to be wooed. I know I already told Ryan “yes” to his proposal, but it wouldn’t hurt for him to lay with me in the middle of Newport Ave. one night. Spontaneity keeps romance alive!

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What To Do If Someone Calls You Fat

18 Dec

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So today some guy who looks like Kevin Federline at his heaviest, got angry at one of my posts and called me fat. He told me to go eat ice cream to make myself feel better. This is especially frustrating to me not only because I’m not fat (I’m not skinny, but I’m fo’ sho NOT fat), but also because I’m not that stereotype of a girl who eats ice cream to feel better. I like comfort foods when I want to feel better! And chips! And booze! Now it’s not often that I am called fat (to my face), maybe once a decade, so I just kind of laughed it off. But for the sake of pageviews, I tried to make a video of what someone should do if they are called “fat”. Well, as it turns out, my computer sucks shit and so don’t I, because I couldn’t get it to upload to Youtube without getting an error message. After 5 minutes of half-assed attempts, I took screenshots instead. I give you permission to use these slides as an instructional guide to getting through your rainy Monday, after you’ve been called fat. You know, if that situation ever arises. Remember: “fat” is the default insult that ignorant people use when they have nothing else to say to you, and have no legitimate argument to prove this as all of your pictures on your blog’s Facebook are a shitty attempt at obscure so that strangers can’t figure out what you look like and try to murder you in the parking lot of you apartment building! So people who get called fat, try not to get too discouraged when someone puts you down, do what I tell you to do instead:

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1. Wear your hair like this. Try out the “rat’s nest” look. You can get this look by not brushing your hair. It will make you feel the part of “slob”, which is how fat K-fed or someone of equal douchiness may have made you feel on the inside.

fat2. Eat macaroni and cheese from the pot. Annie’s is best because it’s organic, so it tricks you into thinking that you’re a little bit healthy, and not a total fat ass. Just fat ass enough to eat straight from the pot.

fat23. Eat a fruit or vegetable: I chose pickles in the form of potato chips. Well, potato chips that are pickle flavored. Same difference.

fat44. Wash the food down: With beer. Make sure it’s light beer. And make sure it’s barely 4pm on a Monday afternoon when you’re alone in your apartment and your parakeet is watching/judging you, so that you get that full Bridget Jones rock bottom effect. Make sure you drink from a bottle, and take a picture while you do, so that you can give haters the opportunity to photoshop the bottle into something else! Nothing like a little self destruction to top of your already shitty day!

fat55. Say “fuck you!” to said haters: And take a picture while you do, so that when you look at the picture, you’ll be reminded that the only thing fat about you is the FAT ASS ROCK on your finger, and that real men exist, and they aren’t acting tough by calling girls fat on the internet! Or if you are not taken, just look at yourself in the picture and say, “Hey, I’m not fat or ugly or whatever I was called. I’m BEYONCE! No, I’m BETTER than Beyonce!”. And Beyonce can find a man any day of the week, she just wanted the right one. Because seriously, what kind of a man talks shit to a girl on the internet? Or in real life?! Not Jay-Z.

fat66. Eat more macaroni and cheese: Once you remember that you shouldn’t care about what a guy who looks like post Britney Spears divorce K-Fed, or ANYONE, says about you, keep eating the mac and cheese. Because it doesn’t matter how old you are, mac and cheese is fucking GOOD and everyone deserves to have it in their lives!

 

Fo’ real though, thankfully I am not someone who gets  upset every single time I am called a name. If I did, I would be upset numerous times a day while scrolling through comments on my blog. This guy calling me fat was just the perfect opportunity for me to bring up this subject of pressure girls have to be thin. I’ve wanted to blog it but no light bulbs turned on to get me typing. I was more than kind of disturbed at what this guy’s idea of “fat” was. Honestly, 90% of me thinks that this situation in particular was this guy being straight up stupid and having nothing else to say to me. But there are a zillion people in society that have warped perceptions of “fat”. The demographic affected by this, obviously, are young girls. I feel so bad for the young girls of this generation. They are in this fucking pressure cooker! The crazy thing is that most guys prefer curves! And I’m not just saying this as a girl who got called fat this one time and wants to believe this is a fact. It’s legit!

It makes me sad that girls get a complex about their weight so early on. I’d never want to be a teenager again, not during current time! Shit is scary out there…good luck to all you younger girls out there. Put on your helmets because society wants to hit you in the head with giant sticks. You got this!

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Farewell to Ex Boyfriends

12 Dec

So ever since I got engaged, I’ve been thinking every day how lucky I am to have found someone who is not a total douche. Who treats me nicely, makes me laugh, isn’t a raging drunk or a deadbeat, and brings out the best in me, and all that corny stuff. It’s not often that people find someone who they can totally be themselves around, and I did and I am grateful as fuck. He makes some of the people I’ve ever dated look like Spencer Pratt. I don’t like to dwell on the past, so I’d like to dedicate this blog entry to saying farewell to the ex’s. I guess I don’t need the closure, I’ve had it since the day the relationships ended, but I think it will be blog gold so fuck it, I’ll write it anyways. They missed out on a lifetime of my fabulousness, and I ain’t missin’ out on SHIT. There aren’t many, so this shouldn’t be too long…

Ex #1: Thanks for taking me to your Bar Mitzfah. It was the social event of the 8th grade. Sorry for breaking up with you for that fucktard Ex #2!

Ex #2: Lucky for you this was long ago enough that I harbor no resentment. But you’ll get blogged anyways because you broke up with me on Saint Patrick’s Day. That’s one of my favorite days of the year and you ruined it. You once got my birthday gift from C-V-fucking-S. Another day ruined. You caused so many fights between me and my girlfriends, and you made me look as pathetic as Chelsea from Teen Mom, sans Aubrey, for staying with you.  I hated your ugly orange backpack. You called yourself my “sugar daddy “on my Central yearbook, which has tainted my yearbook forever and made me nauseous whenever I open it, as it brings me back to when I was an idiot.  Freshman year I spent all of my babysitting money for the week  on an Abercrombie and Fitch sweatshirt for you for Christmas and the first one who wore it was not you, but a curly-haired blonde girl from gym class who had a crush on you. A & F was expensive for a 16 year old girl who makes $40 a week from babysitting. Speaking of babysitting, you and your friends got me fired from my babysitting job for looking at porn on the family’s computer when I left the room. Now that blonde girl who wore the sweatshirt in gym class is my bridesmaid, and we laugh about that story, so at least there is that.

Ex #3: This only lasted a month. You are spared.

Ex #4: I dated you for about 4 years, and I can’t remember you ever not being a total psycho. You once got so drunk at an Ugly Sweater Party that you yelled at my friend thinking she was me. She’s Chinese. You made me truly believe for a time period that every time a guy gives a girl flowers, he has done something very wrong the night before. For our anniversary, which was the night after the Ugly Sweater Party, you brought me to Top of the Hub, knowing I have an insane fear of heights (or maybe you didn’t know, because you don’t listen). I had to bail you out of the drunk tank between the hours of 2am and 5am at least 17 times throughout our relationship. You cheated 5 billion times, and when I finally dumped you and moved on a year after being single, you told everyone who would listen that I left you for someone else. You also took back the jewelery you had given me because you are cheap scum. You were never a victim, but a lying, cheating, douche who led a double life and wore Sean John. When you got a new girlfriend, and decided you wanted to be friends with me, I invited you both to a cookout as a peace offering, but you allowed this new girl to talk crap and try to make up for it by bringing Stop and Shop hotdogs. Then you flipped on me because I blogged about it. Well guess what? I blog what I want. You are a disrespectful prick who takes no self responsibility. But regardless of all that, thank you for being the opposite of Prince Charming, so I could figure out what I didn’t want in a guy.

In closing, I hope you burn in hell, and I hope your life is filled with disappointment. Just kidding. I wish that on no one. And ex #1 and #3 were pretty harmless. But I do wish  Ex#4 will look like the Double Rainbow Guy by age 30. Google him for a visual.

(Disclaimer: This blog is meant to be taken in good fun – besides Ex #4…fuck him and his cheap franks. Anyone else that was referenced are people I either don’t know anymore, and Ex #3 I am actually friends with. Ex #1 and #2 were so long ago, that I’m sure they are totally different people at this point.  All in all I hope everyone took this in good fun, because that’s all  it is meant for. Hope I didn’t offend anyone other than Ex #4 and all parties affiliated with the hotdog incident.)

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The Drive By

6 Dec

One of the most infamous girl moves: The Drive By. You know you’ve done it. Driven by the house of the guy you like with one of your girlfriends. Or alone. Sometimes, when bitter, you might even egg said house as you drive on by. Or if you’re like me, chuck rubber dick erasers from Amazing Adult Video Express on his front porch. Perhaps while screaming something insane: “EAT DOG FOOD AND DIEEEEEEEEEE MOTHER FUCKER!!!”, or something more simple and obscure like “KAAARRRMMMAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”, etc. If he happens to be walking to or from his car as you are driving by you have to come up with a quick excuse as you are screeching your hoopty to a hault, “Oh, hey! You live here?! That’s SO funny! I was just going to the ATM 29 miles up the street from here! SMALL WORLD!!!!”. But really. Come on, it’s messed up when a guy calls us psychotic, but deep down, we all are a little bit psycho. We know it. And that’s okay. At least we aren’t serial killers, like men are. We are cute psychos! As long as no one sustains a permanent injury, crazy can be funny. I have a friend who used to do drive by’s on a guy she was seeing who wouldn’t get serious enough with her to be an official “boyfriend”. We would get coffees, then just drive around the Boston area aimlessly. She’d weave in and out of different sections of the city, go in crazy directions, just not even thinking about her destination as she chatted about how she stuck his toothbrush in the toilet the last time she saw him because he was dead to her and she didn’t even care about him anymore. No matter which street we went down, or how far we were, it always led to this guy’s street. It wasn’t even her fault, it’s just instinct. And then the speed would pick up. And next thing I knew, we were drive by’ing this dude’s place. Adrenaline pumpin’, ice in our coffees rattling when we went over potholes. And then it was over. After the creeping, we would analyze where he could be if his car wasn’t parked outside. Crazy? Yes. But when you’re single and his Facebook is private, you do what you can to put the pieces of the puzzle together. Girls are the best at creepin’. They will break down fuckin’ firewalls to get the information they need. Kind of ironic that females don’t want to send a text first, but will stalk a guy’s whole life by driving his house, no?

I don’t care who you are. ALL FEMALES HAVE DONE A DRIVE BY. And I’m confident enough to say that all females have done at least 1,976 drive by’s by age 19. DON’T LIE. Own the insanity. Because no matter what psychotic antics us females have gotten into throughout our lives, at least we don’t do the weirdo/sadist shit that men partake in. Jeffrey Dahmer. Chris Brown. Elf on the Shelf.

Note: One of my friends actually had a guy tell her to “eat dog food and die” after having a falling out. In the off chance that he is reading this, thanks for the inspiration…you fucking psycho.

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Advice On How To Get Over Your “Soulmate”.

22 Oct

Hi Molly,

I’m 16 and just got broken up with by a guy who I am still so in love with. We were together for 8 months. I know that I shouldn’t love this guy, he’s kind of an asshole, he hates my friends, he cheated on me twice, and sometimes he would “forget to call” when we had plans. But I can’t help who I love and I feel like this guy is my soul mate. He is the only one who can make me laugh and I can’t see myself with anyone else. He broke up with me 2 weeks ago but still calls me to hangout sometimes, and when I did hangout with him we hooked up. What should I do to either get him back or get over him? I’m scared he’s going to find someone else. Please don’t be mean, I know I’m being dumb!

-Sad

Dear Sad,

Don’t be sad. You are not alone. Most girls get psycho about one guy when they are young. There’s actually a rule that I made up right now that gives every female the right act completely irrationally with ONE guy and get away with it. But there are some guidelines to that rule. First, you can only be irrational for so long. How long are you in the mood to be treated like shit? Because the longer you put up with it, the longer you’ll feel like shit. Sex & The City states that it takes half the total time you spent with someone to get over them.  That means you could be over this guy in 4 months.

The second guideline is that you are only allowed to bitch to your friends about it for a specified amount of hours. Trust me, they get sick of hearing it and you would, too. Girlfriends are there to listen and give you the best advice they can, but don’t abuse it by only talking about yourself for a year. Your friends are also there as a distraction from the hurt you are feeling. Use your time with them to laugh and forget. Perhaps light this guy’s house up with eggs. Then take a picture of it and email it to me, and we will laugh VIA email. Actually, don’t do that.

Third guideline says that once you’ve dated one bad guy, you are no longer excused from doing so again. Everybody gets one. Then it gets annoying REAL fast and no one will want to hear it and you’ll lose all wisdom credibility. That’s right, you won’t be able to tweet any wisdom. Live and learn, biatch.

Seriously, this guy sounds like a dick. He cheated on you TWICE. And he hates your friends, which is the biggest red flag known to girl. I know it feels like the end of the world right now, but you will laugh about it as soon as you’re over him. You’re only 16. When I was 15-16 I dated some kid who treated me like shit. I put up with it for so long that by the time I was a senior, I had wasted most of high school being hurt over him. Looking back, there was NOTHING about him that was worth that. I feel like I was inhaling toxic fumes to make me even remotely interested in this kid. I was smitten because he was my first “real” boyfriend (I thought “real” back then, but now I know it was not real…it was stupid). I don’t want to minimize your feelings by only saying “get over it, you’ll laugh later on”. I know that it’s true, but it’s not what you want to hear. Instead I will tell you what you should (or should not) do to be proactive about the situation: do not answer his calls. Put control back in your hands. Ignore him, delete him from your phone, block him from calling you or change your number. Keep yourself busy and just hangout with friends as much as possible. Create memories with people who are worth your time. Don’t waste the best years you’ll ever have on some chump that the future you wouldn’t give a second thought if he brushed up against you in line at a bar.

Oh, and just because someone makes you laugh, doesn’t mean they’re your soul mate. Have you ever stopped yourself mid laugh to ask yourself if you’re fake laughing? If you have, that means you’re fake laughing.

Hope this helps,

Molly

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Rule Number 5,973 of Dating: Fuck off, Bro.

15 Oct

I was perusing the Italian food section at Stop and Shop yesterday. Newport Avenue, as I have PTSD from working at the Southern Artery Stoppy in high school. You know, real housewife of Quincy errands. I typically text while carting, and stopped dead center in the aisle when I got a text from one of my girlfriends (she is coincidentally the same one who writes the Second Wives Club blogs). The text was in the form of screenshots from some guy that she met at the Seaport (click on the images if they are too small to read):


I died laughing for a good 30 seconds. That doesn’t seem like a long time, but it is when you’re blocking people from the Boboli at Stoppy on a Sunday. Un-fucking-real. What doesn’t this guy get?! She responds once to politely say she’s not interested, and he goes psychotic. Not to mention these texts were sent after she ignored 5 of his calls and 5 of his voicemail messages. Went totally over his head. Besides the “capisce?” at the end, my favorite part of this whole thing is when he basically says that if she changes her mind, and he is still single, that he would still consider taking her out. Like, what?! Are you stupid?! She JUST turned YOU down! Not the other way around, bro. Like you said, balls in her court. And she shot that ball in the face with a machine gun before you made it to text #17. Which leads me to rule number 5,974 of dating: NEVER refer to a female as “hotpants”. Ever.

At least he had the common courtesy to delete her from his phone. I was starting to  think he might be a serial killer or something. Tactless.

Got funny/insane dating stories? As a boring person who is in a perfectly healthy serious relationship, I love to hear awkward date stories. Send them to me at becausemollysaidso@hotmail.com!

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