Just had 5 days off. Not that big of a vacation, but more of a really long weekend. And this is how I’m feeling on my first day back at work since last Wednesday:
Stanley Kubrick can always be counted on to provide the most horrific montage that really equates to the same absurd negativity we feel when we have Post Vacation Depression (PVD).
But seriously: Fuck you Tuesday after labor day. You ruined my life.
Oh, and fuck all the school buses out there, too. You ruined my commute.
So last night I went out for some beers and pizza to watch the Celtics win. People were drinking, adrenaline was pumping, and after the game, some asshole played the song “Call Me Maybe” on the jukebox. And people got angry. And they fought. It all started with this “Come at me bro!” gesture:
(Stop watching after the 10 second mark. Nothing happens afterwards that was caught on film.)
You’ve probably all heard this song by the Canadian pop singer Carly Rae Jepsen. Or maybe haven’t because you stay clear of shitty music. But I swear to Biggie Smalls that it will haunt you in your sleep once you’ve heard it’s chorus. It is perhaps the catchiest and most God awful song I’ve heard so far this year. Don’t believe me? Well at the end of this song, the dude in the white hat came back around through the front of S6 and came at that dude in the jersey. And I witnessed the pussiest bar fight I’ve ever seen. Like some serious bitch slapping going on. There was even kicking involved. I blame Carly Rae Jepsen. Fuckin’ Canadian. With their beady little eyes and their flappy heads…BLAME CANADA!
Happy 420. Hopefully you’re stoned as you read this. In recent news Brad Pitt proposed to Angelina Jolie with a $500,000 engagement ring. A little obnoxious if you ask me. But I feel like everything about Brangelina is obnoxious. I don’t even hate Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie separately. But together, they are an annoying force of philanthropy that are going to have the most outlandish nuptials in the history of history. The ceremony is probably going to consist of gospel singing tribesmen, Julia Roberts as the pastor, gay guys singing acepella as Angie walks down the aisle with a pissed off looking Jon Voight watching on from the audience, Shiloh dressed in a suit as the ring bearer, and Maddox playing a wind instrument no one has ever heard of or seen. They will probably give away Cambodian babies as wedding shower gifts and perform weird rituals and make out with their brothers during the reception. It’ll be more puke-inducing than Kim Kardashian’s wedding. So I’d like to say a big FUCK YOU to Brangelina’s wedding. You eccentric, baby poppin’/adoptin’ fucks. I hope someone gets you a blender from Willams Sonoma. Maybe that will snap you back to reality.
My boyfriend has been asking me to do a weekly piece called “Fuck You of the Week” for quite some time now. I guess I’ll start listening to him and try it out. I have a few fuck you’s to shout out today. Here they are:
- Fuck you Samantha Brick! This smug bitch wrote an article for the Daily Mail about the downsides to being overly pretty. She is a self proclaimed “good-looking woman” who recounts the numerous times she’s received a free bottle of bubbly due to being a tall, slim, blonde. So what are the “downside of being pretty” she writes about? Well, she has lost many female friends because they allegedly felt “threatened” when their husbands spoke to Miss Brick. She’s also lost out on job promotions because she’s had insecure bosses who were bitter that Miss Brick was skinny. Her neighbor doesn’t wave back to her because as Miss Brick puts it, she feels threatened being shorter and heavier. She argues that she is not smug in her article, but, um…what? You wrote a fucking article for the Daily Mail about how difficult your life is being “too pretty”! She has since written a rebuttal to all of the hate mail she’s received since yesterday. Miss Brick doesn’t understand the backlash caused by acknowledging how good-looking she is, especially by highly intellectual females in the media. Alright, enough. You are getting backlash not because of your high self esteem, Samantha Brick. You are getting backlash because you are a smug, self-righteous, stuck-up, egotistical, moron who should hop on a plane and ride coach (God forbid!) all the way to a third world country where women are more worried about being stoned to death for challenging their husbands, raped, or mutilated than about how much it sucks to get a free bottle of wine because they are too good-looking for their own good. So fuck you Samantha Brick! You are an idiot. Maybe that’s why you lost your female friends. Shiiiit!
- Fuck you, T!: I usually try to defend the T, but fare increase and service cuts to get rid of the deficit? Fuck you, MBTA! Come up with another plan. You should be paying ME to ride that stanky, creep- infested locomotive! So if this proposal passes, the subway fee will rise to $2.00. I’m not cheap. But that means to take the train to Chinatown every day I will be paying $5.00 to park at Wollaston (I assume parking fees will be increased as well?), $2 to get to work, and $2 to get home. I might as well just spare myself the stink of life twice a day, throw in a couple more bucks and spring for parking near my work. God knows how much happier I am in the comfort of my leased Honda Civic in the morning compared to being squished between a fat dude’s arm pit and an exhibitionist’s morning wood. Fuck you, MBTA.
- Fuck You Alicia Silverstone!: You are Cher, you can afford real baby food. You can even afford to give your baby the vegan food you preach about every 5 seconds. So why did you have to publish this Youtube video of yourself regurgitating into your baby’s mouth? It made me feel queasy and therefore I could not enjoy the delicious burrito I had gotten for lunch. Bogus. Fuck you Alicia Silverstone. You used to just be virgin who couldn’t drive. Now you’re a sick virgin who couldn’t drive. As if!
Do you guys have a fuck you shout out for the week? Post it on my Facebook page this coming Friday for ‘Fuck you Friday’!