I am more than a little confused as to how anyone who is sharing this article: Abercrombie & Fitch basically hates fat chicks, is surprised. Yeah, the CEO sounds like a douche. But so aren’t most people who wear Abercrombie & Fitch over the age of 18. My first mission when I started dating my fiance was to have an intervention on him to get him to stop wearing A&F. Seriously though, A&F has always hated fat chicks. I mean, their size large is pretty much the equivalent to an extra small everywhere else. Don’t feel too bad if you can’t fit into their $40 “slightly destroyed” t-shirts, most of America is fat so maybe they’ll lose some business. Unless this was an extreme marketing ploy to garner attention and get more business, in which case A&F 1, fat chicks 0. It is a fact (at least I thought it was) that A&F has always been totally open about hiring based on superficial qualifications, and honest about their blatant racism.

Girls who can’t fit into A&F clothes should be rejoicing that they no longer have to be subjected to an overload of terrible, seizure-inducing beats, cologne that smells like you are present in a car during the Summer while teenagers are fornicating to LFO, and clothes that are described on a scale of slightly, to moderately, to completely destroyed. I  hate to brag, but I can fit into a large at A&F, but I don’t like paying for someone to rip my pants. And back when I could fit into a medium at A&F (1999ish), I didn’t do it, because I was an Old Navy Girl growing up. And by “Old Navy Girl” I mean poor.

What we as a society should really be outraged about it that Lane Bryant is neglecting skinny chicks!!! Get angry, skinny bitches!!!!  Get real angry!

When I met you I said my name is Keiffa, you look like the girl from Abercrombie & Fitch.

And unless you live under a rock, you probably know that this symbol stands for marriage equality. I don’t feel like briefing anyone on this, so just Google “Prop 8″ if you don’t know what is going on in current events. I don’t normally fall for this social media propaganda that everyone shares. But this time is different. I was perusing Wedding Paper Divas (think invitations and save the dates galore) online during my lunch today, as I do most days since getting engaged,  when it struck me that not everyone can experience this feeling as easily as I can. The feeling I am talking about is the excitement and optimism that I feel towards my future with the person that I love. I hope that everyone (who wants to) is able to experience this feeling in their lifetime because it is fucking euphoric and probably comparable to most drugs. I especially hope my friends can feel this because I am biased towards them of course (thankfully, I live in Massachusetts). Everyone has the right to pursue happiness – though I am unsure pursuing happiness is a wise idea, rather I believe in seeking fulfillment. Seeking happiness can set us up for disaster, but that’s another blog…

Anyways, I don’t usually fall for this Facebook stuff that is shared hundreds of thousands of times without any real meaning. But like I said, this was different. This simple picture of an equal sign represents equality. It’s a basic human right, and though I know it’s insane that it’s still debated in the land of the free, it’s a reality. Some people don’t get it, I’m not sure why. Maybe they are bigoted, ignorant, or just unaffected by it. How silly I feel even typing this but, I have a lot of gay friends. I know it’s just a profile picture that I changed on Facebook and will probably change back to a picture of me and my fiance smiling, drinks in hand, within a few days. I know that this picture of a red equal sign won’t change any laws, or right any wrongs, but when I was busy feeling guilty about planning the day I’ve been dreaming about since I was a little girl, I couldn’t help but put myself in the shoes of someone who is having a pain in the ass of a time planning due to legal issues. I can’t help but think that had I been in their shoes, that I would feel so overwhelmed with support when signing onto Facebook and seeing a sea of red equal signs all of my newsfeed. Hey, everyone says “it’s the small things”, right? I think this is one of those things on a much bigger scale. Of course there is always that token contrarion on Facebook who find something to bitch about, I’ve seen a few ranting about Facebook activism. But it’s not about activism without initiative. It’s about awareness and support, which is necessary sometimes in being heard. Does a sign of awareness and support REALLY bother people? If so, it kind of reminds me that some people are bothered by other peoples’ relationships for some reason. I am not saying that if you don’t post the picture on your Facebook that you are a bigot or not in support of equal rights. That would be as ridiculous as I think it is to debate equal rights in the first place. Do whatever you want to do, on social media or better: in real life!

Anyone saying that changing your profile picture won’t change gay marriage laws, I totally get that. It’s a Facebook profile picture, so I’m sure it won’t. If laws changed due to Facebook trends, I am sure we would be in a lot of trouble in some circumstances (ie: people who don’t like pitbulls would be stoned to death). I mean, wasn’t the whole Kony thing a big lesson in social media causes? Case in point. But if changing my profile picture for a little while is enough for my gay friends to be reminded that I support them and want them to be fulfilled in their lives, then it’s literally the least I can do. Maybe someday we won’t have to plaster pictures of equal signs on social media so that everyone feels equal. In a perfect world, right?

(PS: It’s literally been a day of equal sign sharing, can’t the people who feel gay marriage is “being shoved down their throats” just pretend the symbol is equivalent to the small population of people on Twitter who don’t change from egg default to real picture? It’s just been ONE day and coincidentally all the same people sending me  Farmville requests and blowing up my newsfeed with Candy Crush bullshit are the ones who can’t handle it. Sorry if we mucked up your newsfeed with civil rights support while you were trying to get whatever the fuck currency you need to maintain your virtual farm/city/addictions. Christ…)

Well, I don’t get it. I am 25 years old and have accepted the fact that I will probably get sick at least once a year. I don’t go around with a bottle of Fabuloso spraying everything in my path, giving everyone around me a headache from the fumes. It’s totally fine to keep things sanitized, but seriously, you don’t need to disinfect shit every hour on the hour. And for the hand sanitizer enthusiasts: there is such a thing as good bacteria. It blocks the bad bacteria from fucking your shit up. You are murdering the good bacteria when you use 15 gallons of sanitizer. No need to waste all the sanitizer. Use it after you sneeze, or after you touch something that many people touch. Don’t stress yourself over it. To be honest, I always laugh to myself when I see these germ psychos with a cold. And the flu shot thing…I haven’t gotten my flu shot in FOUR YEARS. Gasps all around! GOOD LORD! But no.  I am not a fucking leper. I actually haven’t had the flu since maybe 1997 (knock on wood). I always think to myself, what if this flu shot bullshit is just that: total bullshit. I am not really a conspiracy theorist, but keeping people sick definitely seems like a business. The media gets the germaphobes going, they rush out to get their flu shots, brag if they get it for free (really?), then force feed their internet wisdom onto everyone, AKA they scream “EVERYONE IS DYING!!!!!”.

How about, as with everything else, we just use common sense? Although, I am pretty sure common sense only exists in 4 out of 10 people nowadays. Instead of living in a plastic bubble, why don’t we take a risk by touching a frequently used doorknob? Crazy, I know. But this world is pretty crazy, and sometimes we need to take risks in order to get from one room to another. Here’s an example of how not to take a risk: Australia child care centers are banning birthday cake candle blow outs. At this rate, people are shielding themselves from germs so intensely that if they happen to catch something that would otherwise be a minor illness, their immune systems won’t be able to handle it. As the most annoying people on your newsfeed would say: SMH.

Australia bans birthday cake tradition.

• The zoom in on the fresh white kicks. Dude got new sneakers because he was going to be on TV. I get that. He wants to look nice for the camera. But even though he is actually from Southie, if I hadn’t asked someone who was Southie born and raised, I would have thought that this kid was from the suburbs and just Google searched “South Boston stereotypes”.
• The overemphasis of the Boston accent. Okay, these people ARE from Southie so no doubt they have a Boston accent. But why did the producers of the show add subtitles for that kid with the beard? (Devin, I believe). We could understand him perfectly fine without having to read it off the bottom the screen. Overkill city.
• The ethnic ambiguity. I was only half paying attention at some points of the show because I was busy live tweeting and drinking my father’s Miller High Life leftovers, but what was up with the Irish music playing at random in the background? My confusion during the “spontaneous” meatbwaaaull fight while they were headed the wrong way up Broadway was through the roof. Are they Italian? Are they Irish? Are they Polish? I felt like I was watching ethnically ambiguous actors from a Tide commercial.
• I am calling bullshit on this family not having money. I guess it never specifically said they don’t have money, but it was implied that most of the family doesn’t, because they mentioned that only 4 of them work real jobs. You don’t need to play Bill Roulette if you live in a house like that in South Boston. And even if the Bill Roulette ritual was real, this family must have awful credit, judging from the 500 bills in the basket. Late fees up the ASS.
• All of the insanely obvious set up situations (so I guess that means the entire show). For example, Camille walking in at the exact same time her son is stripping at the bachelorette party. Or the homemade porn/Yuppie Mom group scene (AKA the storyline that allows for the word “Hahhvid” to conveniently be thrown into the episode). Or the entire bike scene, “Oh no, I have meatbwaaulls all ovah me!”. Never saw that one coming.

In fairness to this family, who actually genuinely seem like good people, it’s really not their fault that the Jersey Shore is looking better by comparison (I can’t believe I went there). It’s the fault of the creators: the awful premise of each episode that the producers are forcing. I noticed that other than people who personally know this family, the few who defended them were saying that the show is supposed to be a comedy, as opposed to a reality show. Well, that’s not what A & E was promoting it as. I am willing to play a round of bill roulette with a year’s worth of oil bills that the people who found this show “hilarious”, also quote Dane Cook skits regularly, and opt for Ridiculousness over Tosh.  What the producers should do is make Devin, the dude with the beard, the focus of the show. Southie Rules is supposed to be about a born and raised South Boston family trying to cope with the gentrification of their neighborhood. But so far, it looks like it’s Yuppies 1, Lifers 0.

All in all, shit sucked. If I didn’t love live tweeting snarky comments during shitty reality shows while drinking the champagne of beers on a work night, I think I would have opted for my bed. Then again, I watch Dance Moms, so who am I to judge? Step it up A & E. When does Breaking Bad start back up, again?

So I guess my question is, what is wrong with everyone?! Do the people who sue everyone have no soul?! No heart?! Why do people sue everyone and lie and make shit up about being traumatized?! Some lady sued my insurance company for being traumatized because I hit her car and knocked off her side mirror. That was all. Just the side mirror. I took blame, totally my fault. I cried after the accident because it was my first one, and this lady hugged me and said it was not a big deal and that no one was hurt and that was the important thing. Two months later, BAM!, letter in the mail, lady is traumatized. Sued my insurance company. WHAT?! Why are people so sue happy?! I know the answer: because they CAN BE! WE ARE LIVING IN A SOCIETY WHERE EVERYONE SUES EVERYONE. Teachers can’t even fucking teach because they fear parents calling up the school and threatening legal action for stupid shit. They legally cannot put sunblock on children without parental consent!  Did you hear about those kids that got  3rd degree burns on field day because the teacher was too scared to apply sunblock?! INSANE.  Although, she could have given the poor kids an umbrella at the very least. I guess I’m a rebel, because I would be blocking those kids up regardless of the piece of fucking paper. Scratch teaching off of my list of career paths, some parents out there are way too batshit. People sue McDonald’s for making them fat. HOW?! You chose to eat the shit every day! You deserve to be fucking fat! Here’s a clue: stop eating at McDonald’s 7 days a week! Where is the self responsibility?! In-fucking-sane.

This world scares the shit out of a broke ass girl like me.

Hey, everyone! CALM THE FUCK DOWN! Justin Bieber smoking weed is not a big deal. In fact, I condone it. He’s rich, he’s famous, he smokes joints. I mean, what else is he supposed to do? Random acts of philanthropy while dead sober? Negative. He’s supposed to sit on a throne surrounded by former Disney stars and light one up once an hour. At least. Then he’s supposed to eat Bagel Bites  and Cheesecake Factory Buffalo Blasts served to him on a platter made of gold, served by CarrotTop. I’m so sick of all the grief we give celebrities about such trivial shit. It’s just a little pot, if it were meth we would be allowed to be concerned. Honestly, he can’t even hold the joint without looking like a total rookie, he obviously doesn’t do it very often. Same shit happened to Miley when she was busted smoking salvia. Who fucking cares?! I mean, haven’t you ever watched Gardening on Salvia? Don’t you have a sense of humor?! No one gets addicted to salvia. Correction: idiots get addicted to salvia, and Miley bird isn’t totally an idiot. Miley Cyrus is like 19, or 20 (I really have no idea), she’s the daughter of Billy Ray Cyrus who was voted second biggest tool in America, just one under Kody Brown, and went psychotic and chopped all her hair off to be seen as some kind of an edgy, free spirit. Of course she smokes hallucinogenic things sometimes! I don’t know about you, but I am THRILLED when celebrities do things like smoke weed and salvia. I feel these pictures should be put in those US Weekly articles “Stars Are Just Like Us!”. They go grocery shopping! They go to the dentist! They push their babies in strollers! They eat McDonald’s! They take hits from the bong! They trip on salvia when they are 18! You know? Shiiiit. Let’s focus on bashing the real douches of Hollywood, like Chris Brown, and Bristol Palin, and Kim Kardashian’s entire family/fetus. Let the pot smokers chill, man!

#20Acts

#1 : Left some coffee money on a random car’s windshield in Downtown Boston.

Ahem, so anyways, I am so excited because my inner 90′s girl has been awakened. Boy Meets World o-fficially has a sequel! And I know it’s real because Ben Savage fucking told me:

See? We are SO tight. Don’t let me get caught up bragging about my friendships with almost the entire cast of Boy Meets World though. I say “almost” because despite recent events, Rider Strong is still dead to me. This sequel made my day almost as much as the knowledge that Catfish is on at 11pm tonight did. Actually, I think it made my day even more than knowing I would get to witness idiots who only speak to their ‘soulmates’ online, without it ever occurring to them that they should Skype to make sure the man of their dreams isn’t actually an overweight lesbian who looks like her place of origin is Fraggle Rock.

Really though, how exciting is THIS?! I wonder which of the cast members will be back for round two. I guess the protagonist in this spin-off is Corey & Topanga’s daughter, who had better have some wacky name equivalent to Topanga’s. Feeney is still alive and kickin’, so I’m sure he’ll be creepin’ in the neighborhood like a total weirdo. Jonathan Turner had gotten into a motorcycle accident and I don’t recall if he was quite recovered or not, but paraplegic or not, the guy was definitely a diddler. I mean, he was supposed to be the contrast of Feeney…the “cool”, “hip”, younger teacher with the leather jacket. But let’s face it, Turner took in Shawn Hunter, the troubled, vulnerable kid with the mushroom haircut who longed for family so badly that he joined a cult (Boy Meets World really did have some far-fetched story lines, huh?). Seems like he was trying to gain Shawn’s trust a little TOO much, no? I just don’t buy it. Diddle me THAT, Turner. If Shawn is in the reboot, I’m sure he’s all emotionally weird now. Either that or he dates Eric. Either or. Calling it now.

Ugh, ever since 20 minutes ago when I first found out I just cannot get that annoying theme song from their awkward years out of my head. You remember:

When there’s boy meets woooorrrrrllldddd, boy meeeeetss worllddddd. Like, what a stupid song. Doesn’t even make sense. Anyways, I hope this sequel brings back all the other TGIF classics. God knows kids these days need more of Carl Winslow and less of this singing  Glee/High School Musical shit. Remember the good old days? When TGIF covered everything controversial…from the n-word spray painted on lockers, to troubled white trash cherry bombing mail boxes? That’s when TV taught us something. Corny songs don’t prevent bullying and hate crimes. Showing kids what really is going up is what did. I guess. I don’t know, I’m just biased with a minor wine buzz. But head change or not,  bringing back TGIF would definitely stop 10 year old’s from smoking meth on Friday nights. Fo sho.

Watch this new sequel be as solid as that Lifetime movie when Fred Savage played DJ Tanner’s abusive/possessive boyfriend. THAT was made for TV movie GOLD.

…Or watch it suck. Either way, Rider Strong is still dead to me.

Twinkies go bye bye

What the fucks up with that shit?

Fat people so alone.

Hostess liquidates

A sign of apocalypse

We all gonna die.

                                        Funny Bones my favorite

  Without them I am so lost

I’ll get drunk instead.