In case you give a shit, here’s my bucket list so I don’t regret living:
1. Do drugs at Coachella. I don’t normally do drugs. And I don’t normally go to Coachella. But recently in an interview Justin Timberlake said he did drugs at Coachella once, and if Justin Timberlake says he did drugs at Coachella, that means I need to do drugs at Coachella before I die. Also, the journey to Coachella must be taken in a Volkswagen van with a broken air conditioner for full effect.
2. Save someone from jumping off the Neponset River Bridge. Look, I know rush hour is brutal. I know that the Neponset River Bridge is brutal even when it’s not rush hour. Therefore, if there are any lost souls who look like they are about to exit their vehicle and take the plunge, I’ll be there to to talk them out of it via a gift card to Cathay Pacific. I mean, it’s in walking distance and when on the North Quincy/Neponset border contemplating ending it all, you may as well stop in for a pupu platter and reconsider.
3. Give Rider Strong a slow clap during a live studio taping. Is there anything more awkward than a slow clap from a studio audience? Yes, the answer is that there is something more awkward than a slow clap from a studio audience. And that awkward thing is Rider Strong’s acting at the end of Boy Meets World. Slow clap city.
4. Be a featured bartender on my own website. One of my dreams has been to be a career bartender. Perhaps a lifer at a local dive. And I’m not kidding. I think pouring drinks for drunk people would be so rewarding when it’s not annoying as shit. The only problem is that no one hires people who have never been bartenders unless you “know someone”. People want “experience”. Pfshhh! Sick of this “know someone” and “experience” shit. I could just nominate myself, but then people would accuse me of rigging the votes. Total bullshit.
5. Tell Isaac Hanson that he used to be my least favorite Hanson brother, but now he’s tied with Taylor Hanson. Been there done that, bitches! Waited behind South Shore Music Circus for over an hour in like 90 degree weather, sweating, just to tell Isaac Hanson how I really feel. You jel? Don’t be. Seriously.
6. Live tweet my wedding vows. Guess I’ll just have to wait until November for this one. #Sigh #IsThatConsideredRude? #Ido #Motherfuckers
7. Notarize divorce papers. Well, that was an awkward two minutes of my life. Sealing the demise of an institution. Destroying the “til death do us part” line. Sorry, bro.
8. Open up a restaurant that sells pulled pork sandwiches and beer only. Just pulled pork and beer. Nothing else. Everyone loves pulled pork sandwiches. And everyone loves beer. Win-win situation right there, no?
9. Blog my way through a panic attack. Ever have a feeling of absolute dread wash over you, like you are about to die or something really bad is about to happen? Me too, like 3 times a day. And know what didn’t help me get through it once? Live blogging the entire attack. Seriously, nothing shows you how much of a total cuckoo head you are until you reread your panic attack blog a month after writing it. Total psycho. But at least this psycho brought awareness to mental health issues in America. What have YOU done to raise awareness?!
10. Create a meme that goes viral. I’ve tried this before and no one wants to share shit. I haven’t found my niche yet. So lately I’ve been taking a lot of candid pictures, seeking the perfect awkwardly timed photo that expresses a theme. On Easter I got a pretty good one of my hipster brother looking like the new face of the First World Problems meme, but that one is old news. I need something fresh and original. It will come.
11-100. TBA. Feel free to hit me with important things to do.