Dear Kim Kardashian’s Baby,
First of all, I refuse to refer to you as “Kimye’s Baby”. That would mean assuming that Kanye is the baby’s daddy, and there are just too many potential Maury paternity test result memes to go around making “Imma let you finish” punchlines. As if this is a definite. Now that I’ve cleared that up, I can move on to more important things. Such as how unstable and psychotic you make me feel. I want to hate you, and you are only a fetus. Why must the two most awful human beings to grace Hollywood come together to create you? This is not okay.
Second of all, please let us know your intentions. I know that as a fetus, this could be difficult for you. You cannot speak, at most a muffled gurgle from inside the womb. But I need a sign from you to let me know that everything is going to be alright. That E! will not have a special featuring Kim delivering you in a bathtub made of gold. That society won’t fall for this shit again, and Kris Jenner won’t prosper from it. That there will be no Kardashian Krib Kollection at Sears. You can send this sign in the form of a swift kick into the abdomen of the famewhore herself.
I can’t hate you, Kim Kardashian’s Baby. You’re a fetus, not yet a baby. And I pray that you won’t have to look at *Frankenberry fresh out of the womb. But know this: when the age of rational thinking and problem solving hits, if you haven’t gone the way of Macauley Culkin, full emancipation from the Kardashian/West union, consider yourself *Speidi’ed to me. Mark my words.
Scott Disick’s #1 fan
I think from now on I will just put all rude comments sent to me in their own category called “I Love Responding to Rude Comments!”. I just can’t contain myself from calling people out after they call me out when they have ridiculous email addresses. Like, honest to fucking God, why don’t people change their email addresses after middle school?! I gave up MollyPop87@yahoo.com back when AIM went out of style. Everyone else needs to follow suit and get rid of these insane email addresses because if they don’t they will NEVER be taken seriously. Like yeah, maybe I am a “hypocritical cunt” like this girl Sarah says I am. My blog’s email is pretty lame. But her email address is JuicyFruit45@gmail.com. All credibility for her argument is out the window. I mean, these kinds of email addresses scream trashy. For real. She doesn’t strike me as the type to know how to put a resume together, but if she does have one, do you think she puts this email address as a contact method on it? I would hope that this is just her personal/junk mail email address, and not her primary/professional one. I could never leave a comment somewhere leaving THAT as my email address. Get some shame, girl! At the very least make up an email that isn’t a flavor of the suckiest Wrigley’s gum, and maybe add an “@edu”. Feel free to drop Sarah a line at JuicyFruit45@gmail.com. I think she needs a female friend to tell her when she’s being irrational, and maybe a career counselor.
I reached out to her myself:
So I check my site stats pretty regularly so that I can figure out audience trends. And it always cracks me up that people get to my site by accident more than they do by Googling “Because Molly Said So”. Like, if it weren’t for me using “Hello Kitty” as a search term in one of my blogs, over 5,000 people wouldn’t have stopped by. Which is why I’ve decided to start using “Kim Kardashian” and “Honey Boo Boo” in all of my search terms. Is that cheating? Yes, but it’s the American way. Check out the other search terms people typed into Google the last couple of months that brought them here:
Like, “family frame set”? “Carl Winslow”? So pumped to be associated with the black cop from Family Matters on the internet forever. Ahhh, it’s the small things.
It’s so hard to find a solid chick these days. And all the high ones are already taken =( #BrocktonProblems
Please send screenshots of trashy Facebook statuses to firstname.lastname@example.org!
One of the most infamous girl moves: The Drive By. You know you’ve done it. Driven by the house of the guy you like with one of your girlfriends. Or alone. Sometimes, when bitter, you might even egg said house as you drive on by. Or if you’re like me, chuck rubber dick erasers from Amazing Adult Video Express on his front porch. Perhaps while screaming something insane: “EAT DOG FOOD AND DIEEEEEEEEEE MOTHER FUCKER!!!”, or something more simple and obscure like “KAAARRRMMMAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”, etc. If he happens to be walking to or from his car as you are driving by you have to come up with a quick excuse as you are screeching your hoopty to a hault, “Oh, hey! You live here?! That’s SO funny! I was just going to the ATM 29 miles up the street from here! SMALL WORLD!!!!”. But really. Come on, it’s messed up when a guy calls us psychotic, but deep down, we all are a little bit psycho. We know it. And that’s okay. At least we aren’t serial killers, like men are. We are cute psychos! As long as no one sustains a permanent injury, crazy can be funny. I have a friend who used to do drive by’s on a guy she was seeing who wouldn’t get serious enough with her to be an official “boyfriend”. We would get coffees, then just drive around the Boston area aimlessly. She’d weave in and out of different sections of the city, go in crazy directions, just not even thinking about her destination as she chatted about how she stuck his toothbrush in the toilet the last time she saw him because he was dead to her and she didn’t even care about him anymore. No matter which street we went down, or how far we were, it always led to this guy’s street. It wasn’t even her fault, it’s just instinct. And then the speed would pick up. And next thing I knew, we were drive by’ing this dude’s place. Adrenaline pumpin’, ice in our coffees rattling when we went over potholes. And then it was over. After the creeping, we would analyze where he could be if his car wasn’t parked outside. Crazy? Yes. But when you’re single and his Facebook is private, you do what you can to put the pieces of the puzzle together. Girls are the best at creepin’. They will break down fuckin’ firewalls to get the information they need. Kind of ironic that females don’t want to send a text first, but will stalk a guy’s whole life by driving his house, no?
I don’t care who you are. ALL FEMALES HAVE DONE A DRIVE BY. And I’m confident enough to say that all females have done at least 1,976 drive by’s by age 19. DON’T LIE. Own the insanity. Because no matter what psychotic antics us females have gotten into throughout our lives, at least we don’t do the weirdo/sadist shit that men partake in. Jeffrey Dahmer. Chris Brown. Elf on the Shelf.
Note: One of my friends actually had a guy tell her to “eat dog food and die” after having a falling out. In the off chance that he is reading this, thanks for the inspiration…you fucking psycho.
Happy 420. Hopefully you’re stoned as you read this. In recent news Brad Pitt proposed to Angelina Jolie with a $500,000 engagement ring. A little obnoxious if you ask me. But I feel like everything about Brangelina is obnoxious. I don’t even hate Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie separately. But together, they are an annoying force of philanthropy that are going to have the most outlandish nuptials in the history of history. The ceremony is probably going to consist of gospel singing tribesmen, Julia Roberts as the pastor, gay guys singing acepella as Angie walks down the aisle with a pissed off looking Jon Voight watching on from the audience, Shiloh dressed in a suit as the ring bearer, and Maddox playing a wind instrument no one has ever heard of or seen. They will probably give away Cambodian babies as wedding shower gifts and perform weird rituals and make out with their brothers during the reception. It’ll be more puke-inducing than Kim Kardashian’s wedding. So I’d like to say a big FUCK YOU to Brangelina’s wedding. You eccentric, baby poppin’/adoptin’ fucks. I hope someone gets you a blender from Willams Sonoma. Maybe that will snap you back to reality.